some pics of 2005

Ducks at Rohr Park...

Balboa Park Flower Garden. Wish I had had better lighting. I think that when i finish school I'm going to take a photography class. I have always wanted to, but nevre made the time for it. This year, my minimun goal will be to at least read my camera manuals. And buy at least a clear lens for my slr, it really needs it.

Placerville, CA, aka grandma's house.

Cologne, Germany. I think that one of these years, when I'm really comfortable and confident with my camera skills, I'd like to go to Europe alone and go backpacking for weeks and take a million pictures of everything. I'll live off of bread and cheese and trail mix.

I've posted this picture of Charlotte before, but really wanted to include her in this post. I thought she was so beautiful and wish I had had the courage to hold her before she moved on from my patio.

Something about watching the sun set from the patio of my Grandparents' home.

I love the deep blue of twilight.

if we don't change directions soon, we'll get to where we're going...

things i've learned/relearned recently:

• tailing someone doesn't necessarily mean that they will drive faster, or change lanes.
• giving my best doesn't necessarily mean it will be enough for someone else.
• competence is relative.
• explaining myself to someone won't always make them understand, no matter how i say it, or how many times i say it.
• i need to be happy with what i give, rather than expect/hope others to be happy with it. (how "easier said than done" is that?!)
• i really need to pay attention to the things i pass, especially when i'm going in circles.

next year's (potential) resolutions:

• quit smoking between cigarettes.
• try to lose more weight than i find.
• read classic children's books with my kids.
• help out in D1's math class at least 2x a week.
• keep my new freezer full.
• buy a new pocket calendar. (and use it)
• go running with screg up the mountain at least every other month.
• use my slr more.
• blow up my favorite pics and make photo albums.
• get a brazilian wax.
• use my cookbooks.
• travel.
• get a tattoo
• be more girly... which includes the following:
• a. cut my toenails on a more regular basis.
• b. brush my hair every day.
• c. stop wearing men's socks.
• d. throw away any make-up item over a year old. (shogun, i have lipsticks you gave me from 1993ish...)
• e. get a haircut more than once or twice a year. (this year's grand total is 2)
• f. stop wearing tennis shoes or vans with everything...
• don't get into any (more) car accidents

i think that about covers it. for now... oh!!! wait!! how could i have forgotten??

• get the gumbo recipe from hot fudge. no matter what it takes. start of with the obvious tactics.. loosen her up on plum wine, hang a couple pics for her, wine and dine her at her favorite restaurant... must....have...gumbo....recipe....

i only hate the stupid people today...

friday. went car shopping con linesteppa'. ended up buying the second car we saw. i'm grateful she was there. was weird pulling out a wad of cash and counting it out. kinda felt like a drug deal. the manager was a dumbass who thought he knew shit. sooooo glad to finally get that out of the way. had a most entertaining lunch/dinner with hot fudge. hee hee, she is so funny when she says, "hell no!" it's cute when she swears because she is the nicest person, and when foul language comes out of her, it's like she's temporarily possessed, or perhaps has turrets.

saturday. was sinfully lazy at home until i got a call from lil' sis, we went to sycuan for the buffet, and then gambling with about $40 each. i walked out $40 richer, she was in the triple digits. damn. i should just give her $ and have her gamble for me. we were so stoked, we went to this junky bar in cv and i played foosball and beat a bunch of guys. sucked at pool, though. hmm.. crashed at home around 3.30 am and didn't get up until 3.30 pm sun. saw my sis's new baby. i'm an auntie again!!! sigh. i miss the littleness of little ones. they are so cute and small. and then they grow up and tell you your breath stinks. bah!









no shit...





i spied:

• a cookie racist.
• interrogation room in a car sales shop.

lows:

• having difficulty finding peace with certain things. gotta work on getting my head around some stuff.
• being insecure when i shouldn't be.
• i really miss my kids when i don't have them 5 days at a time.

highs:

• finishing my management 320 class. pretty sure i got an a.
• new van, dark green.
• got my cash rebate check from costco. it's a lot... yay! now i can buy gifts for free! i've already got a mental list going for my blogger friends:

hot fudge: a gallon of chocolate syrup

linesteppa': cheese and fresh french beans.

clark: baby wipes and a 3 lb. pack of bacon

totu: one of those monster bags of beef jerky and a year supply of cookie dough mix.

shogun: alcohol and britta filters

screg: raw meat.

it's all good...

wow... just spent the last five days with the kids, and while i had some lows, the highs really lifted my spirits. i'm looking forward to them being on vacation next week. we're going to be busy with a long list of things i'd like to do. we'll probably only accomplish a small portion of things on the list, which is why i wanted to make it a long one. if anyone has any free time at all, and would like to torture themselves with our company, please call. i know some of you are either going to have a day off here or there (friday's, hot fudge! let's go to that country breakfast place!), might be in town on vacation (hint, hint, totu!), or not leaving town for business (thought i wouldn't use it against you, huh, linesteppa?!), so i'm hoping to that some of you will help me not go insane with my kids, i mean, spend some quality time with us, hee hee.

this week:

career choice of the month:
i would like to dress up as Mrs. Santa and pass out warm cookies and milk (just the cookies warm, not the milk.) for people. it'd be nice if i could go door-to-door - i can't stand malls.

i spied:

• an old nun driving a tricked-out bright blue pickup truck. i did a double-take.
• a mini theft ring including a mother and her 2 teenage daughters. the clerks at the accessory store we were at said that they have been hit by the three several times and just can't seem to catch them.
• my christmas tree totally mismatched, with the weight of the tons of ornaments pulling it down. i love it!!

lows:

• D1 telling hot mama, who was kind enough to take the kids to the park while i went to the dr for a nasty uti, that he doesn't want to go to the "freakin' park again". apparently parks aren't the coolest hang-out spots for 11-yr olds.
• D1 also complaining to hot mama that he doesn't like being at "boring old mom's house". rest assured, we later had an in depth conversation about how "boring" his life could be... the first thing i said to him was, "you think i'm old???!! ok, boring i can handle. but old?!"
• out of the mouths of babes... D3 said that my breath stank, but was quick to add that my hair smelled like flowers. gotta love the honesty of children.
• shopping for clothes for the girls on sat. i can't stand shopping. i wish i could be anesthetized and have someone put the clothes on me, purchase whatever fit, and then wake me when it's over. if it were legal, i'd seriously consider doing it to my kids. i really don't think the boys would mind.

highs:

• the constant debate with D4 over letting her into the garage to take a peek at some presents i've hidden in there. absolutely relentless! i love her persistence. it goes good with her smile. i think i'll find a new hiding spot for the gifts, and then let her scour the garage for them. that'll be funny. i bet you're all thinking i'm a cruel mother...
• we went ice skating on sunday, and they were all so very good and patient. the boys stayed together, and the girls were really good about letting me take turns skating them individually around the rink. when i'd take D3, the boys would hang with D4, so she wouldn't be left alone. it was nice.
• got D4's ears pierced. she pitched such a fit after the first ear was done, we had to come back after a trip to the toy store for the second one. we looked at toys until the pain subsided, and made mental notes of what she wants from santa.
• was fortunate enough to miss out on the CV downtown christmas parade due to lack of parking. hot mama said it sucked balls anyway.

it's the most wonderful time of the year

while, for the most part, we all know why the holidays are so depressing, do they have to be so depressing?

my tree is up. a disorganized mess of lights and mismatched ornaments the kids put mostly on the bottom and front half of my fake tree. it still manages to look perfect to me, my charlie brown tree. i already have a couple of presents under it.

i think the reason why i love the holidays so much is because i can be my most melancholy and get away with it. at the end of each year, i find myself looking back over the year and try to make sense of it all.

wondering if this year i've done the best i could. for myself, and my children. feeling like i haven't, and realizing that it wasn't quite possible to do more, i feel sad.

i should've started school a long time ago.

i should've gotten to the heart of the matters of my failing marriage years ago rather than distract myself with real estate. all it did was prolong the inevitable.

it makes me sad that i can't take back things i have said or done in the past that have affected my children's futures. i worry that they will resent or despise me when they are grown, as i see so many of us do to our parents.

wishing my mom had left long before she finally did. why did she settle for a man who was mean and abusive? will i make the same mistakes? she went from one bad marriage to one that was infinitely worse. and i wonder sometimes if any of us, including her, will ever truly recover.

i don't know how i'm going to make it through these next two years. some would look at the journey ahead as an upcoming adventure, be excited, look forward to the changes in store.

i'm just scared. and sad.

who knows? maybe i'm just pms-ing...

shopping, cropping, dropping my cash

the wonderful thing about shopping, is it can be wonderful fun!
i discovered i'm not a medium, my ass could use some sun!
i get the blues tryin' on shoes and can never find the right hues!
but the most wonderful thing about shopping is when i'm finally done!
oh when iiiiiiiiiiiiiii'm finally done!!

highs:

• the most detailed story about a chunk of oyster accidently left in a jar of kimchee. it was thoroughly compared to a "slimy, rotting piece of vagina". and i quote, "damn! i don't want no vulva in my kimchee! there were folds in it and everything! naaasty."
• english test seemed kinda easy. although i don't think i'll ever get the hang of who and whom...
• front yard finally got worked on.
• trash guy let me refill my trash can and wheel it across the street so it culd be picked up a second time.
• had some good laughs in class tonight.
• hmmmmm.. rubio's.

low:

• squeeeezing into a medium and having my chest forced out the top of the shirt. i'm sure it looked funny, but it didn't feel funny...
• hearing the saddest story from one of my classmates. she had a horrible story to tell. i'm glad to see her in a better place. damn... thought my life sucked until i heard hers.
• reviewing a chapter from 9 to 10 pm the night before we take the exam. does not make sense to me. bad enough i gotta retain 5 other chapters worth of info, can't we just be given the last chap sooner? not even 24 hrs to study it. bah!

i spied:

• an empty trash can i keep forgetting to put a bag in, so i've been throwing trash into a little pile next to the trash can. wtf, i should just not have a trash can, and make little piles of trash everywhere, and sweep them up occassionally.
• serious caffiene buzz. hey, at least i dope up legally...
• trash in a parking lot.
• a big blue jacket that was really confortable and light, but looked ridiculous on me.
• a skinned kitty! (that would be linesteppa needing help peeling off a shirt because if she attempted it herself, it surely would've torn.)
• a whole bunch of split ends i peeled apart when lecture became unbearable..

Never Thought We'd Make It...

Never thought we'd be here, in this space.
today you said to me, "girl, i can't believe we did it."

"it's not the way either of us hoped it'd be. not the way we wished it could've been..."

but i see you. in your horrible space.

and yet i see growth. the littlest bit. and i felt hope. for all of us.

sitting on the porch, swinging in the yellow-orange light of the setting sun, i thought that you looked a little different.

still sad, still hurt, but a little more clear about where you've been, where you're going. where your hurts have come from. and that was a good thing.

someone i love said to me once, "hold on, girl, hold on..."

and from that thought, that encouragement, i pulled strength. and now i hope to give some to you, to get you through these times.

these times of maddening self-doubt. insecurity. fear of losing the ties with our hearts. fear of being alone and standing up for ourselves. afraid to make it, afraid we won't.

realizing we are on different paths is ok. we need to do what's best for ourselves and can still be connected.

you said you used to just sit and worry about me. and you were scared for me. sometimes i feel the same for you.

it'll all be ok baby... hold on girl, hold on...

and fuck it, worst case scenario, we'll just move in together and be lesbos! i'll be the guy if you insist, as long as i get to be on the bottom once in a while...

love

and on that thought...

speaking of being a complete nut, i also have a problem with baggers. so. went to costco one day. they packed my meats with my veggies in the same box... (they use their old boxes for "bagging" groceries.) i have this thing about contaminated foods. what if the meat juices ooze onto my veggies? what if i want to eat the veggies raw and now they have carcass juices on them? considering that i pay for this stuff, aren't i entitled to have them "bagged my way?"

anyhoo. the groceries were bagged with the chicken on it's side and the bag it was in upside down (what's the point in that?!). so the raw juices spilled onto my veggies and my boxed groceries. super gross. so after that, i made a mind of asking baggers to please bag my raw meats separately and they always look at me like i'm some nut! the funny thing is, if i don't, like 75% of the time i don't, they bag the meats and other groceries together!

just can't win, i tell you. i got the dirtiest look from a grocery bagger person once because i asked her to separate the items, and she barked, "oh, i NEVER do that!" so the next time i was at costco and she bagged my stuff, i didn't say anything, and guess what, the very same girl bagged my raw meats with my veggies. they're all out to get me, i'm sure of it...

sigh. i should just start making separate trips to the store just to ensure that my meats and other foods don't get bagged together. or make 2 trips into the store. or just not buy raw meat anymore. that's make hot mama happy. damn vegetarians. always got a good comeback. : )

and one more thing...

i hate it when i go to starbucks and tell them to leave and inch of space at the top of the cup so i have plenty of room for cream and sugar... i get the venti house coffee and every single time i tell them to give me and inch of space. and they never get it right.. then i started showing them with my thumb and index finger what an inch was, and they still don't get it right. once i actually told the person that i wanted an inch of space at the top of the cup, showed her with my fingers what an inch looked like, explained to her that if she gives me too much coffee, i'd have to pour some of it out into the trash because the coffee is strong and i need room for cream, and also said that she was welcome to use the end of one of her fingers to measure if she wasn't sure just to get it right. know what she did?

gave me maybe 2.5 inches of space for my cream and sugar.
it was practically a grande in a venti cup.
not to mention that i of course realized that she must've thought that i was a complete nut.
which is cool... i realize that some of my closest friends think so too...

you know who you are!!

Ah, The Manic-ness Of it All....

wow. i can't believe so much time has passed since my last post. i've been going through the usual ups and downs..

sigh... i hate it when my heater goes on during the day because i forgot to turn it off in the morning. seems like such a waste of money. i could get a programmable one, but i don't plan onliving here much longer, and it would seem like a waste of thirty bucks... then again i'd probably blow that much anyway over the winter because i keep forgetting to turn it off in the morning... dilemmas, dilemmas .

have i mentioned to anyone (besides totu) that i despise english grammar? the 8 parts of speech in particular. i think i have finally found a class i will not do well in. my teacher should've been a nun. she's really high-strung and treats us like a bunch of 2nd graders. for the last 2 nights i have been dissecting sentences and it's driving me nuts.. getting tested on pronouns and the 5 million branches of pronouns on tuesday. guess i should start studying. at least my gpa is good right now..

started shopping for turkey day. me & le kiddies (see!? see what that class is doing to me? it's not supposed to be "me & le kiddies", because "me" is a personal pronoun, and since it is also the subject of that sentence, so it is supposed to be "I", as in "the kiddies and I". if the personal pronoun is the object of a sentence, then it takes its other form, "me". at least i think so. it's hard to make out what my teacher says because she has a thick romanian accent... is that right, m? i figure of all people, you should know. wait! screg too! mr. english degree guy. you should be torturing, i mean tutoring me!) are going to celebrate t day on friday, so anyone wants to join us, please come. i always screw up the turkey, but no biggie. i figure it makes for good entertainment and gossip..

family relationships baffle me. my personal goal for life is to not take things personally. problem is, i've been doing that since i was born. crap on a crouton, that's gonna be hard. someone said, "you just gotta learn not to count on them..." thing is, for years i was myself really counted on by many, and now feel really let down. and of course, i don't have the balls to say anything, so if anything feel like kicking myself in the ass for lack of courage. sucks balls.

it's been a hectic couple of weeks, and i'm glad that some things in my life have moved forward. can't wait for t-day. considering getting canned turky meat meat, though.

career choice of the week: professional napper. there's gotta be a way for me to find a job as a professional sleeper. i could get hooked up to machines that monitor my sleeping patterns, and the information would contribute to some sort of study that would in turn benefit the whole world. save the world and get rest... ahhhh..

i've spied:

• a big fat orange tabby cat that had the stupidity to run across the road just as i was passing it. almost hit it. i sometimes think that animals that do that such as birds have some kind or dare-thing going on. what on earth possesses them do fly/run across the street as you are driving by? we may never know...
• a monster hair ball. i finally decided to throw away my collection of hair. i have been saving from my head, and thought it was really fun and cool looking, but decided to throw it away when linestepper came over. i showed it off to her and she looked utterly disgusted. haha. then i started thinking about people coming over for thanksgiving and going to use my bathroom and seeing it. i don't think anyone will find it very amusing, so i tossed it.
• a broken air freshener that was leaking, and when i touched it, smelled car fresh for the next day.
• the receptionist at the car dealership i'm thinking of buying my new car at back a car into another car right in front of me. in response, i of course, looked my new potential car over to make sure she hadn't done the same thing to my car..

high:

• visiting with a good friend.
• wearing warm clothes at night (i love bundling up)
• getting 2 a's in my last classes
• baby girl turned 4 and she's absolutely beautiful.

low:

• i miss them being little. it goes by so fast, and it's such a shame that my dear friends didn't get to enjoy them when they were small.
• crazy but nice romanian teacher is going to be a ball buster.
• bleh, the usual stuff regarding relationships. i leave it at that, thank you very much.

The Limerick Trick!!

i love my friends...

Ronin
i've a friend ronin, who does much of groanin'
me thinks he's lacking in some serotonin
his missuss is sweet
she keeps him on his feet
my music in his car makes him go moanin'

Linesteppa
Linesteppa is a sassy gal
you'd want no other for a pal
with your kids she'll play
'til the end of the day
and commit pranks on you she shall

Totu
Totu lives so far away
come home to us someday he may
he's silly, and witty
never says much thats shitty
a totem i should build out of clay

Clark
Clark makes neat art
that some have thought tart
it's made me laugh
i'll say on his behalf
and with me that's a really good start.

Shogun
Shogun gives the bestest hugs
it's almost like taking a bunch of drugs
he's funny and kind
a bubble behind
on him i'd never sic thugs

Hot Mama
Hot Mama is the nuttiest girl
but into your hair she'll bring a curl
i love her to death
not a bit of bad breath
if you offer her meat she'll hurl

Blog On This!!

On My Car:
i'm getting a new car this weekend (i hope), and i'm kinda sorta not looking forward to it. there's something nice about knowing all the faults in one's car and being able to, for the most part, anticipate them. you get used to the grinding sounds, the jingles, and the clanking. but my car is way past due. just about every warning sound possible goes off. those of you fortunate enough have been on the phone with me while i turned on my car, or turned it off, probably heard the dinging. when i turn on my car, in addition to the "seat belt" ding, i have a "parking light needs service" ding, a "replace your brake linings" ding, a "you need more coolant" ding, and now a "change your oil, you dummy" ding. pat once said that the reason for some of the dings is that when the car gets serviced, there are these reset buttons that are supposed to be pushed, but that when my car has been serviced, they haven't been reset, so thus the dinging. i remember thinking that i'd like to ding the knuckle head who didn't reset my (car) buttons, but decided to keep my mouth shut because it was a certain someone's brother who had done the work.

anyhoo, my car is falling apart, the hydraulic doohickey's that keep the trunk lid open when you open the trunk don't work, so i often find myself having to hold the trunk open with my head (very uncomfortable) while i carefully reach for shit in the trunk. and i have to make sure the kids don't go in the back, because it's an accident just waiting to happen. the weather stripping is starting to come off, and to top it all off, i got into an accident about 2 weeks ago (his fault!) when a dummy kid tried to make a right hand turn from the left hand lane right in front of me. so i've got a settlement check for about 3.1 k, and it's just time.

TITT - i love this car. it goes so fast. and has so much power. and i don't think i'll ever have a vehicle that fast again, unless, of course, i get a motorcycle. or i could just borrow linesteppa's...

On Parenting:
please believe me when i say that i don't think i'm the best parent in the world. i'm not trying to be high and mighty when it comes to my views on parenting, but come on!! i was at my kids' school carnival, and what the hell! parents were stealing the desserts used for the cake walk prizes behind the supervising teachers' back! and then i started monitoring/passing out the prized cakes to the winners, and some of the parents had the nerve to send their kids to casually walk up to the table, and try to snatch a cake! it was so infuriating. and i also know the two teachers who organize the carnival every year. both of these teachers are some of the most hard working people i've ever known. i was baffled to learn that the carnival only brings in enough money to pay for a reward program the school does to reward students who don't miss any school days for 35-36 weeks throughout the school year. the reason for this program is to encourage the students to be in school as much as possible, because if the students don't show, the gov't doesn't pay the school... super sucks. these women worked so hard, and i saw barely anyone helping them with the cleanup.

On Holidays:
ugh. i never seem to know whether to be excited about the holidays, or pissed. or depressed. this is going to be the first year that i will have to share my kids with someone else, and it's kinda depressing. i know pat'll outdo me as far as gifts and whatnot, and for the most part, i'm not bothered. i do my best.

TITT about the holidays that i can't stand is that i constantly find myself being really intolerant of those around me who don't see holidays for what they should be, or at least, what i think they should be. yeah, i know.i'm being narrow-minded, and bleh, but i can't help it. it drives me nuts to hear grown people, people who should know better, get all tehnical about who should get who what, and how much they should spend, etc. ha! i'm going to get all of my friends totally practical gifts that they can enjoy: 50 dollar gift certificates to the F street bookstore!

Career Choice Of The Day: today i would like to have been a fundraiser. and a good one at that. i would raise money for things i think are worthy of having funds raised for them.. schools, food programs for the homeless, battered women's shelter, etc.

High:

• lost my wallet for a good hour or so. sucked because i actually had money in it. then i found it in my backpack and had overlooked it earlier. or maybe the minute men misplaced it, and then moved it back later...
• got a good grade on my second MAN exam!
• actually glad that 2 "smart and finals" didn't have any cotton candy sugar. it was so much easier to just buy premade, prepackaged cotton candy than to rent the machine, make it, and then package it myself.. well, anne was going to help, but turned out we didn't need to get all sticky, so that was good...
• helping out with the carnival.

Low:

• can't find charlotte anywhere. i think she got offended when i moved her to a higher spot in my front porch. i had to destroy some of her webbing because it was attached to my front door. i miss looking for her everytime i come or go, hoping she doesn't fall into my hair and bite me.
• wish i could've helped out more with the carnival.

I Spied:

• a bunch of greedy ass parents stealing desserts from the cake walk area. freakin' pathetic
• a little girl winning a chocolate cake and beaming
• absolute adoration for a granddaughter
• 2 girls in bed bitching
• 2 stores with no cotton candy sugar
• the most annoying redhead ever! (see? i can be civil and not call her a bitch... oops!)
• 4 really really loud roofers
• pure dedication to one's job. inspired me. gave me hope
• super pick-me-up caffeine high
• a really tired ronin
• a scream from a mere knock at the door...
• the best drinky-poos!
• a dog betraying her master for a better scratcher...

Ah, Sweet November

Happy November, Everybody!!
f.y'alls.i, this post was over 2 days...

i love november. i was thinking this morning, as i jogged to Cheers (that's my new nickname for shogun/linesteppa's home), that i can kick this smoking habit. i'm gonna get healthy. i'm gonna quit for as long as i can. i'm going to exercise. and i'll start with one of my favorite months, November. i want to change my life and be an inspiration to others. just like charlize theron in sweet november. i'll have sex with a new guy every month just to inspire some knucklehead into being a better person. omg, what a dumbass movie. and how come she didn't want to inspire chicks as well? hey! that'd be a great remake for a porn movie! call it "sweet december" and make it about a chick who has terminal cancer and decides to enlighten other women by fucking them for a month at a time...omg, what a dumbass movie. hee hee wouldn't it have been funny if she had aids instead of cancer? "i'm going to be with you for a month to change your life, but we have to use condoms because i'm dying from aids."


career choice of the day: mental patient... i hear the benefits are good.. food, clothing, shelter provided. and the "i love myself" jackets are supposed to be really comfortable. free meds. only have to see the people you don't really want to see during visiting hours.. hey!!! that's it! i'm gonna set up a small window of time when i will talk to or visit with people i don't want to. i'll call it "visiting hours" sorry, mom, visiting hours are over. call back tomorrow. heehee

high:

• found my bullets! YAY! tanks, m!
• the look of absolute shock on ronin's face when i scared the hell out of him last nacht as he sat in a booth eating dinner. i felt like a lion moving in for the kill...slowly approaching the grazing antelope....in stealth mode...giggling nervously...hoping no one sees me tiptoeing through the plants as i sneak up on him from outside... and then....BAM!! threw myself up against the window!!! the look on his face surely would've won me at least ten K on funniest videos.. thanks for the tip off, m...
• class got cancelled due to power outage.
• saw a stupid movie with some good friends.
• remembered to take my trash out.

low:

• forgot to check my mail for like 3 or 4 days and got a talkin' to from my neighbor. i told him he can check my mail for me and keep all the stuff i don't want, including my bills..
• having to rely on someone i don't want to. not because the person is incompetent, in fact, she is super competent, but more that i don't feel right relying on someone i don't think i'll ever be able to return the favor to...

i spied:

• burnt fingers from melted caramel.
• a totally empty basket that had candy in it. charlotte said that a couple of kids took the whole thing...
• a eucalyptus tree branch smacking me in the face because i was so zoned out while i was running, i didn't see it coming.
• the scent of fuel leaking from my car.
• an exhausted babysitter.
• one cigarette that i barely smoked last night during class. forgive me, linesteppa. i accept your threat to beat me up and i will be waiting with a bat at my house...

HAPPY MONDAY!!!

Pass My Shotgun

haha. great. last night i tailed a dumb ass girl who tailed me and then had the nerve to cut me off. i was up on her ass for the two blocks she was in front of me. damn, it felt good. usually i don't stress about this stuff, i let it go, no big deal, avoid the potential accident. then i talked to a friend and bawled my eyes out over something totally stupid, yeah, i know it was, mikshir, so thanks for enduring my ranting. hope you at least found it midly entertaining. let's see what the week has in store for me, or should i say my hormones? linesteppa, if ya got any extra sympathy, kick it over, girl.

f'n a, the smurf goin out of town three days this week. like over night. i swear. place your bets. i'm gonna have to drop out by the spring if this shit keeps up.

sexy thang sent this to me a while ago, it made me laugh:
The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate

DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?
SAFER: Wow, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!
ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate

DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's my paycheck.
ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate

DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate

DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't over-do it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!
ULTRA SAFE: Have some more chocolate.

13 THINGS PMS STANDS FOR:
1. Pass My Shotgun
2. Psychotic Mood Shift
3. Perpetual Munching Spree
4. Puffy Mid-Section
5. People Make me Sick
6. Provide Me with Sweets
7. Pardon My Sobbing
8. Pimples May Surface
9. Pass My Sweatpants
10. Pissy Mood Syndrome
11. Plainly; Men Suck
12. Pack My Stuff
13. Potential Murder Suspect

career choice of day: sniper

high:
-didn't run out of gas while driving to son's school for caramel apples.
-haven't smoked goin' on 2 days now. class is gonna suck (balls). heehee... it always kills me to see a bunch of RT's (respiratory therapists) smoking on breaks.
-having lunch with good friends and baby girl.
-looks like house might be closing soon...

low:
-have no friggin' clue what happened to my bullets/numbering buttons. they've magically disappeared.
-pat's drivin' me up the wall with offspring stuff. sometimes i think i can hear my screws rattling loose in my head...
-damn a damn! i'm craving nic so bad right now. um, what did she say? "ok, so you're experiencing discomfort. so deal with it.." thanks linesteppa! i'll remember that! ; )

i spied:
-a happy boy.
-a bitch in heat
-4 uncarved pumpkins
-my new porch pet, charlotte

"Just ten more minutes, Mom. Pleeeease...."

Soooooo tired. (hey! didn't i hear that from someone not too long ago?)
sigh. i haven't been sleeping much. i would like to say in the past few days, but it really like in the past few months. fell asleep in the middle of a conversation with linestepper the other day. she later said that she's worried about my sleep schedule. and she's right. gotta make time for sleep. even if it means i don't have that my time for other things even more. which basically means i gotta get more organized. ugh.

funny, though. when i've gone like a good 36-48 hrs without sleep, everything look different. and i don't just mean in a hallucinating sense. i mean even my outlook on life is altered. it's kind of a trip. i had a total of 6.5 to 7 hrs of sleep in 2 days thurs & fri, and i remember being upset about something and just cracking up over it.

ok, it's been three days, and so this is going to have to be one big blog.

today i woke up on top of the world. i laid in bed wondering what to post about, and started thinking about the things that have been happening to me in the past three days, and i realized something..

for the most part, my life is pretty damn good. i think i occassionallly have some pretty low lows, and it does hit me hard sometimes. last week, i said to my friend, "today, right now, i hate my life. it super sucks." and she said something that i've been hearing a lot in my head since then. "wanna trade? i'd love to have your life. you got four great kids. you get along with your ex (enough). you're doing good in school. you got friends that love you. what more do you want?" ah. good point. i sometimes forget. shame on me.

counting my blessings can be really hard. especially when my freakin life starts sounding like a freakin country song. "my dog ran away, my cat died, my woman left me for a hermaphrodite... lost my job at the horse shit shoveling factory. car won't start.. woe is me.. woe is me... my life sucks, woe is me..." which, you know, it shouldn't be hard. i have a lot to count:

1. still got all my limbs
2. my kids are soo funny and smart, and good.
3. all of my friends are wonderful. in their own kooky ways.
4. cross country movie nights
5. all i really need in life is food, clothing, and shelter, right?

the list goes on and on.. : )

carreer of choice: roller coater-rider-tester-outer-rater person.

high:

• having a nice halloween party.
• making the choice to take a stand. and feeling good about it even though it's gonna suck....hmmm...suck...suck elephant balls? (that's for you, mik/kil)

low:

• feeling helpless. i don't think he'll ever get it. i really truly believe that. it's so weird. i feel like an alien sometimes.
• i hate having to go to the dr.'s. although i did get a nice breast massage this last time. most action i've had with someone other than myself in a while...
• worse than that is having to take medication. 3x a day. it's like having an appointment 3x a day. i can barely handle 3x a week. and it makes my pee smell funny....
• ahhhh, fuck a duck. gotta get rid of my car. got into a stoopid accident couple a weeks ago (his fault!!) , and ins co cut me a check to total my beloved bmw. god i love that car. the ride can be so smooth and so fast. i mean really fast. and i know i'm gonna miss flooring it uphill and just flying past everybody.

i spied:

• a blue globe about the size of a cantelope rolling with the flow of traffic in the #3 lane..


• 53 caramel apples!

• a tow truck towing a tow truck.
• a vein that wouldn't put out.
• generosity. my teacher let me out of class early. so i could spy the next line:
• a good sense of humor.



• a tower of soy milk.
• excruciating pain... got my hair did. hurt so bad i almost passed out...
• a funny old guy with no teeth, who gave me the funniest impression of popeye just for letting him cut in line ahead of me. (i had like 30 items, and he had 3 or 4)

Suck It Up!!!

ok. moving back (or perhaps, forward? heehee..) from most recent events to the morning..

was just at shogun & linestepper's for a break before i went home. it's so nice to spend time out on someone's patio and feel like i'm at home. in good company. we shared some good laughs over artistic blogging. haha ronin. just wait. you'll see. haha. got a good one rolling around in this warped mind. haha. it's really funny.

pulled a funny on the bowling team tonight. unfortunately it didn't go as planned. but really good laughs were aplenty, and i was touched (emotionally, that is.) when ronin exclaimed that he wanted to take his cans home. i wish i could've heard what hot fudge had to say. i love to hear her laugh. it's one of those laughs that makes me want to be even sillier, just to hear it again. Hey!! that reminds me! i need to get her a bottle of plum wine.. gotta keep workin' on the recipe.. : )

there's a rumbling in my tummy.. (pooh bear in "winnie the pooh and the hundred acre wood") ate a bean & cheese burrito in under ten minutes while in a hurry to get home before i went to school. sometimes i marvel at my multi-tasking abilities. i ate the last bit as i was driving, talking on the phone, and smoking.

had a practical discussion with a friend about getting my life together. the more i talk about it with her, the more i feel like it is finally sinking into my mushy CPU.

hamster cage from hell cleanup at the crack of dawn.. gotta let this one go, or i'll lose it for sure..

when all else fails, listen to fabio. it's simply not possible to listen to him and not crack up.

career choice of the day: inventor. and not just any inventor. one that makes furnace venting made out of a special metal that doesn't expand or contract with heat, and therefore not freaking out single, over-imaginative women into thinking something is crawling around in the vents everytime the heat turns on.

high:

• EVERY morning my boys give the sweetest hugs and kisses when they get out the car. even when they're running late. even when they want to go hang out with their friends. even when they're mad at me. even if i don't ask.
• this kid at mickey d's was so nice to me this morning, and i was totally not expecting it. i had a good look at him from the side before he gave me my food, and had stereotyped him as a dumb ass kid with tats out in the boonies.. nice to be reminded that i shouldn't judge.
• got taxes practically actically done!!! boo yeah!
• got a good grade on a test in a subject i love to talk about, but hate to think about.

low:

• smoking too much this week. really truly think this'll be my last week. for health reasons.
• this kid at mickey d's was so nice to me this morning, and i was totally not expecting it. i had a good look at him from the side before he gave me my food, and had stereotyped him as a dumb ass kid with tats out in the boonies.. nice to be reminded that i shouldn't judge.
• my older daughter was so happy that i had cleaned her hamster's cage for her. then she looked at me with the saddest eyes and said "now i know why you don't have time for other things, mama. you're so busy taking of us." i told her she was worth every last second of every last chore in the world. and she smiled. and i could tell she was still worried about me.

no, i did not accidentally put high and low the same. it makes me happy that i was able to see his friendliness, but also sad that i thought low of someone i didn't even know. hmm. maybe i should send him an apology card or something. haha.

today i spied:

• a piece of light-colored painted plywood (1.5 ft X 1.5 ft) on the freeway, in my exit lane. the interesting thing about this particular piece of wood is that for about the past week, i keep driving over it because it is in the left side of the lane, and so my left tires go right over it. and i always try to remember, but i never do, until i see it right in front of me, and by then it's too late to swerve, so i've been going over it every time i've taken that exit for the past week... i dunno, maybe 8 or 9 times? i've looked at it so much, i've got images of the growing crack down the middle etched on my brain.. let's see what happens tomorrow.
• genuine service.
• a reminder (receipt!) to go to fudrucker's with some good friends to celebrate the beginning of a real estate roller coater ride that eventually brought us all closer to each other a year ago. close enough to klonk our noggins together and see stars. My treat! Hey!!! we should all order the same stuff we got last time!
• an inflated tire around my waist. wtf? how did that get there?
• a number nine that keeps looking like a number six to me.
• total temptation. the freakin' avocados over the fence are calling to me, i swear. i don't have the balls to ask the owners if i can pick some, and there's something about the mental images of climbing the fence and snagging one or two or ten that is so appealing to me.
• two staple pullers. now why the hell do i have two? they look like a rodent with its jaws fully opened, possibly in a yawn or something.
• and a partridge in a pear tree... (i had more periods, but remembered to stick to three..)

Theme Songs (Emotional Playlisting)

Oh man, what a polly-wolly crappy day... for the most part it started out good, and by late afternoon, i was a mess! all i could think about was packing up a few changes of clothing and running away to some far-off place where no one knows me at all. TITT that sucks the most: when i realize where true love comes from, i am compelled not to draw from those sources. i think i simply want to not carry other unbearable burdens anymore. sorry for the cryptic-ness, but it cannot be avoided sometimes. some will understand, others won't - most don't usually. if you need further explanation, please feel free to ask. i just might answer.

today i was asked to do something i really couldn't do, and i have such a hard time saying no. period. and yes, i said no, but it made me feel not guilty, fortunately, but pissed, bitter, and well, pissed. i really don't like feeling like this. it bothers me that i emotionally allow myself (workin' on being responsible for my reactive feelings, rather than blame the prick who pushed me into those feelings!) to react to things this way. i feel this drive to be what i think is better, and try to be more contemplative about things rather than angry and hostile. it really depresses me to find myself swimming in these ugly feelings.

someone once had a conversation with me (probably over coffee :) ) about being able to see the positive side of things. and be thankful for them. and cherish lessons that while are hard, but that help me be better in life, even if through tough situations. so... thank you, taxidriver (hey! new nickname! it's perfect!), for giving me the opportunity to say, "i really cannot do that, it is too much for me at this time in my chaotic life.." thank you for giving me the challenge and although i feel that i did not meet my own hopes with regards to my slightly wimpy-ass declination, it gave me the chance to try out my skills of "standing up for myself" and showed me that i need some serious work in that department! i really mean that, btw.

got out class early, and called a precious lifeline, totu. i said something like, "i'm so bummed today." and he said, "tell me all about it.." and so i started to ramble on and on and on for about 15 minutes, and finally said, "damn! what a mouthful! thank you so much for listening. you are always so patient with my ramblings. did i talk you to sleep? hello?" apparently we got disconnected right when i started talking, and he figured i was close to home, so he decided to wait for my call, and haha! i told the whole story about my crappy day and he didn't hear a word! i love the little things that catch me off guard and make me laugh...

career choice of the day: soft-porn novelist

high:

• got a good, intense study session done. i must now pay homage to the caffiene gods. i love coffee. the jitters make me giggly though. and talkative. but you all already know that. : )
• helping my daughter's teacher (struggling in math at SWC) with some basic tutoring. it's nice to be there for somebody, especially when it's sharing knowledge that makes their life a little better. makes me feel useful.
• snapping out of a nasty mood via good friends. linesteppa, you're always there for me. and when you're not, it's because you can't be. you laugh when i get psycho and do really good impressions of me in later conversations. i love it. "i'm gonna kill that bleep bleep bleep!!" my only fear is that i'll be to you what i dread others being to me: standing on my shoulders and when running out of room, onto my head. promise you'll tell me if i ever do so. ah, totu. nothin' in the world like a friend whose woes compares to one's own, huh? i was thinking that i could drag you into my miserable bog of an evening (seeing as how misery loves company and all...), and you've managed to clear the skies. thank you, mr. weatherman.

low:

• can't find 2 of my old math books and their student guides... i'm pretty sure i lent them out to other people who needed help in math, and i don't remember who. i'm sure i'll never see them again. maybe i should just go out and buy whole new sets.
• when i wrote that last "low", it was earlier in the day... boy did i have another think comin'...

today i spied:

• effort. hey! down to less than one a day!
• underestimation. "yeah, i totally got this test.. i know all the terms." not!
• excitement!! yay! the guavas are starting to ripen!
• unidentifiable roadkill
• a good student with genuine desire to learn. she really tried hard to understand me and for the most part, she did.
• a hamster with balls the size of a large walnut

"WRAP IT UP!"

Being organized can be the biggest turn-on.. no wonder why they call it "productivity porn". i've always wanted to be organized, and with so much going on in my life, never could seem to pull it together. which is exactly why i should've done it a looong time ago. so. earlier this year, mikshir sent me (thanks again for the hundredth time!!) a pocket organizer (which i lost on a crazy trip up north.. bummer..) which helped me so much.

he also ordered a book for me (how sweet!) that helps in "getting things done". i also lost that on an airplane when the plane was goin' all crazy because the pilot was trying to touch down as quickly as possible, becuase we were running (flying, i mean, haha..) late, and everyone was bracing for freakin' impact, and i, in a hurry, put the book in the magazine flap in front of me and forgot all about it when i exited the plane.. (i had to get out of there asap, i was so upset.) i think there is suspicion that i "lost" it, if you know what i mean. ; )

anyhoo. got a replacement, and i love writing down everything i have to do. what a joy to cross off things i've accomplished at the end of the day. the only thing depressing about being organized is when i see a pattern of high growth of things to do vs. actually getting things done. someone very smart (yeah, you know who you are..) said that i need to start delegating things that other people can do to them. this is a very hard thing for me to do!! i can't help it. nothing seems to get done right unless i oversee it or do it myself.

just today, i had a maintenence person fix a plumbing problem, instead of having done it myself. i just don't have the time. however, the moment it got done, i experienced a sense of relief because it got done, and a wave of frustration because of: a. cost ($120.00) and b. i could've done it myself for virtually nothing. the materials cost less than $20.00. but then again i don't have the time, energy to do it. and, i have to admit, one of the only things that give me pride is when i finish something myself. grrr...

high: it looks like lil' sis (ha new nickname!!) will finally be geting a new job. hee hee. she came over last night to use my computer and saw a picture of her on my wall. (i have a mini-collage of my dearest friends. yes, your up their to. ) "Where did you get that picture?!?" she exclaimed. i laughed so hard. it was at a party at my house this summer. "OMG! Where?!? It look soo bad!!" snicker. i'm surprised she left it up. i hope she gets the job.

low: not having studied hardly at all for an upcoming exam. i know, i should be studying right now. i have no good excuse. but i can come up with really some bad ones!!
they are:

• my kiddies had dr appts...
• i went to my friend's house because she needed some help with babysitting. (yeah, i know i shouldn't have lingered for an extra 30 min)
• ummmmm.... threw a baby shower this weekend and still haven't cleaned up yet.
• i woke up late.
• i haven't had enough coffee yet.
• linesteppa came over for a coffee break and distracted me. (it's all her fault!)
• my car's dirty.

ha ha! i sound like jake blues (john belushi) in that hilarious scene (the blues brothers) where he's at gun-point with carrie fisher and tries to explain why he didn't show up for their wedding....

today i spied:

• courage. someone i love tried really hard to quit smoking. again... one of my little ones didn't cry when he got a shot...
• hope for love.. via patience.
• acceptance. "Allllright. Ya' drive a haard bargain there, Mister!!"
• disappointment.
• pride. she needs to go home.

in the midst of trails...

Today was a whirlwind of events for me.

first thing in the morning, I was awakened by my dear friend, hot fudge. We were supposed to go shopping together. (she has unparalleled shopping stamina...) the events that followed our simple conversation completely wowed me. I have discovered for myself what others have previously proclaimed, but I could never believe.

word travels fast. It is quite possibly faster than the speed of light - most definitely faster than the speed of sound. The second half of my previous statement doesn't quite make sense, but I think I got it figured out. The thought processing of women is so fast, it's practically telepathic. In the time it took me to figure out that there was going to be anything to talk about, and then make the motions to counter the talk, the talk had reached it's new destination and was ready and waiting for me in a matter of minutes. Women don't mess with these things. I'm honored to be part of such amazing beings.

today I spied:

• a pair of blue-footed boobies. I'm pretty sure I did, but you can never be truly sure of these sightings...Only time can tell you that.
• the slightest glimpse of sanity. This was actually in my friend, sexy thang. She immediately lost it.
• a moment of clarity. Sometime after breakfast... Then again it could've been my stomach settling!
• 4 angels
• good, sincere service (extremely rare)
• patience. Someone waited for me.
• a white hair on the edge of my hairline. Don't worry. Problem solved.
• a broken heart. No explanation needed

High: spending some quality time with my dear hot fudge.. Had some extra company with us, and she is the sweetest.. There is nothing in the world that compares to having great friends cherish your children as you do. You're the best, hf.

Low: wasn't there for a friend. Who told me when I apologized that the wonderful thing about our relationship is that we can say no to each other and it's ok.. 143, sexy thang...

miss you
love you
be strong
we will always have each other
things will get better
and then they'll probably get worse again
that's life
the real tragedy would be to have gone through this life
not having had
someone like you in it.
syd

Because it makes sense......

ahhhh.. My first blog! hoppin' on that bandwagon with my very good friends screg and mikshir.. Now you guys can read my thoughts in addition to hearing me yak about them all day! Yay! So that is my answer to the question, "Why not?"

some of you who are reading this have heard me say in the past that I think I could make a really funny 'seinfeld'-type show about my life. And one of the things that would make it so funny are my friends... You all make my life so very interesting- it has been appropriately named "The Missy Show". Thank you, linestepper!

today I had so many ups and downs, which is part of a typical day for me. I laughed sooo hard on the phone with my friend, linestepper (trust me, she has totally earned the title!), over a ridiculous story about a time I had the stomach flu and made an emergency stop at a nearby Denny's..

I think the question screg asked me today was, "what are you extracting?". I didn't have a good comeback, and hah! I am realizing at this moment, that that is the one time he ever catches me off guard. Even though I know he'll ask me something. He always does. gotta think of some good responses. hmm... A hairplug, perhaps?

the saddest part of my day was, oddly enough, also my happiest. My dear friend mikshir and I had several conversations throughout the day. He is one of the most thoughtful and kindest persons I know. These wonderful traits (unfortunately for him) have no bearing on my desire to push him out of his box every chance I get (it's just so much fun!). And he always takes it in stride. And he lives so far away. Hence the sadness.

I am so gifted (was going to say 'blessed', but I don't want to ruffle any feathers...) with such good friends, sometimes I think life can't get any sweeter. Yeah. A blog about my friends. Can't think of a better subject for my first blog.

the question I'd like to ask is, "why 'blog'?" TITT, blog is such a gross word. pog. hog. sog. frog. log. clog. bog. say the word maybe ten times and you'll see what I mean.. blogs should have been named something ... Pretty.