some pics of 2005

Ducks at Rohr Park...

Balboa Park Flower Garden. Wish I had had better lighting. I think that when i finish school I'm going to take a photography class. I have always wanted to, but nevre made the time for it. This year, my minimun goal will be to at least read my camera manuals. And buy at least a clear lens for my slr, it really needs it.

Placerville, CA, aka grandma's house.

Cologne, Germany. I think that one of these years, when I'm really comfortable and confident with my camera skills, I'd like to go to Europe alone and go backpacking for weeks and take a million pictures of everything. I'll live off of bread and cheese and trail mix.

I've posted this picture of Charlotte before, but really wanted to include her in this post. I thought she was so beautiful and wish I had had the courage to hold her before she moved on from my patio.

Something about watching the sun set from the patio of my Grandparents' home.

I love the deep blue of twilight.

if we don't change directions soon, we'll get to where we're going...

things i've learned/relearned recently:

• tailing someone doesn't necessarily mean that they will drive faster, or change lanes.
• giving my best doesn't necessarily mean it will be enough for someone else.
• competence is relative.
• explaining myself to someone won't always make them understand, no matter how i say it, or how many times i say it.
• i need to be happy with what i give, rather than expect/hope others to be happy with it. (how "easier said than done" is that?!)
• i really need to pay attention to the things i pass, especially when i'm going in circles.

next year's (potential) resolutions:

• quit smoking between cigarettes.
• try to lose more weight than i find.
• read classic children's books with my kids.
• help out in D1's math class at least 2x a week.
• keep my new freezer full.
• buy a new pocket calendar. (and use it)
• go running with screg up the mountain at least every other month.
• use my slr more.
• blow up my favorite pics and make photo albums.
• get a brazilian wax.
• use my cookbooks.
• travel.
• get a tattoo
• be more girly... which includes the following:
• a. cut my toenails on a more regular basis.
• b. brush my hair every day.
• c. stop wearing men's socks.
• d. throw away any make-up item over a year old. (shogun, i have lipsticks you gave me from 1993ish...)
• e. get a haircut more than once or twice a year. (this year's grand total is 2)
• f. stop wearing tennis shoes or vans with everything...
• don't get into any (more) car accidents

i think that about covers it. for now... oh!!! wait!! how could i have forgotten??

• get the gumbo recipe from hot fudge. no matter what it takes. start of with the obvious tactics.. loosen her up on plum wine, hang a couple pics for her, wine and dine her at her favorite restaurant... must....have...gumbo....recipe....

i only hate the stupid people today...

friday. went car shopping con linesteppa'. ended up buying the second car we saw. i'm grateful she was there. was weird pulling out a wad of cash and counting it out. kinda felt like a drug deal. the manager was a dumbass who thought he knew shit. sooooo glad to finally get that out of the way. had a most entertaining lunch/dinner with hot fudge. hee hee, she is so funny when she says, "hell no!" it's cute when she swears because she is the nicest person, and when foul language comes out of her, it's like she's temporarily possessed, or perhaps has turrets.

saturday. was sinfully lazy at home until i got a call from lil' sis, we went to sycuan for the buffet, and then gambling with about $40 each. i walked out $40 richer, she was in the triple digits. damn. i should just give her $ and have her gamble for me. we were so stoked, we went to this junky bar in cv and i played foosball and beat a bunch of guys. sucked at pool, though. hmm.. crashed at home around 3.30 am and didn't get up until 3.30 pm sun. saw my sis's new baby. i'm an auntie again!!! sigh. i miss the littleness of little ones. they are so cute and small. and then they grow up and tell you your breath stinks. bah!









no shit...





i spied:

• a cookie racist.
• interrogation room in a car sales shop.

lows:

• having difficulty finding peace with certain things. gotta work on getting my head around some stuff.
• being insecure when i shouldn't be.
• i really miss my kids when i don't have them 5 days at a time.

highs:

• finishing my management 320 class. pretty sure i got an a.
• new van, dark green.
• got my cash rebate check from costco. it's a lot... yay! now i can buy gifts for free! i've already got a mental list going for my blogger friends:

hot fudge: a gallon of chocolate syrup

linesteppa': cheese and fresh french beans.

clark: baby wipes and a 3 lb. pack of bacon

totu: one of those monster bags of beef jerky and a year supply of cookie dough mix.

shogun: alcohol and britta filters

screg: raw meat.

it's all good...

wow... just spent the last five days with the kids, and while i had some lows, the highs really lifted my spirits. i'm looking forward to them being on vacation next week. we're going to be busy with a long list of things i'd like to do. we'll probably only accomplish a small portion of things on the list, which is why i wanted to make it a long one. if anyone has any free time at all, and would like to torture themselves with our company, please call. i know some of you are either going to have a day off here or there (friday's, hot fudge! let's go to that country breakfast place!), might be in town on vacation (hint, hint, totu!), or not leaving town for business (thought i wouldn't use it against you, huh, linesteppa?!), so i'm hoping to that some of you will help me not go insane with my kids, i mean, spend some quality time with us, hee hee.

this week:

career choice of the month:
i would like to dress up as Mrs. Santa and pass out warm cookies and milk (just the cookies warm, not the milk.) for people. it'd be nice if i could go door-to-door - i can't stand malls.

i spied:

• an old nun driving a tricked-out bright blue pickup truck. i did a double-take.
• a mini theft ring including a mother and her 2 teenage daughters. the clerks at the accessory store we were at said that they have been hit by the three several times and just can't seem to catch them.
• my christmas tree totally mismatched, with the weight of the tons of ornaments pulling it down. i love it!!

lows:

• D1 telling hot mama, who was kind enough to take the kids to the park while i went to the dr for a nasty uti, that he doesn't want to go to the "freakin' park again". apparently parks aren't the coolest hang-out spots for 11-yr olds.
• D1 also complaining to hot mama that he doesn't like being at "boring old mom's house". rest assured, we later had an in depth conversation about how "boring" his life could be... the first thing i said to him was, "you think i'm old???!! ok, boring i can handle. but old?!"
• out of the mouths of babes... D3 said that my breath stank, but was quick to add that my hair smelled like flowers. gotta love the honesty of children.
• shopping for clothes for the girls on sat. i can't stand shopping. i wish i could be anesthetized and have someone put the clothes on me, purchase whatever fit, and then wake me when it's over. if it were legal, i'd seriously consider doing it to my kids. i really don't think the boys would mind.

highs:

• the constant debate with D4 over letting her into the garage to take a peek at some presents i've hidden in there. absolutely relentless! i love her persistence. it goes good with her smile. i think i'll find a new hiding spot for the gifts, and then let her scour the garage for them. that'll be funny. i bet you're all thinking i'm a cruel mother...
• we went ice skating on sunday, and they were all so very good and patient. the boys stayed together, and the girls were really good about letting me take turns skating them individually around the rink. when i'd take D3, the boys would hang with D4, so she wouldn't be left alone. it was nice.
• got D4's ears pierced. she pitched such a fit after the first ear was done, we had to come back after a trip to the toy store for the second one. we looked at toys until the pain subsided, and made mental notes of what she wants from santa.
• was fortunate enough to miss out on the CV downtown christmas parade due to lack of parking. hot mama said it sucked balls anyway.

it's the most wonderful time of the year

while, for the most part, we all know why the holidays are so depressing, do they have to be so depressing?

my tree is up. a disorganized mess of lights and mismatched ornaments the kids put mostly on the bottom and front half of my fake tree. it still manages to look perfect to me, my charlie brown tree. i already have a couple of presents under it.

i think the reason why i love the holidays so much is because i can be my most melancholy and get away with it. at the end of each year, i find myself looking back over the year and try to make sense of it all.

wondering if this year i've done the best i could. for myself, and my children. feeling like i haven't, and realizing that it wasn't quite possible to do more, i feel sad.

i should've started school a long time ago.

i should've gotten to the heart of the matters of my failing marriage years ago rather than distract myself with real estate. all it did was prolong the inevitable.

it makes me sad that i can't take back things i have said or done in the past that have affected my children's futures. i worry that they will resent or despise me when they are grown, as i see so many of us do to our parents.

wishing my mom had left long before she finally did. why did she settle for a man who was mean and abusive? will i make the same mistakes? she went from one bad marriage to one that was infinitely worse. and i wonder sometimes if any of us, including her, will ever truly recover.

i don't know how i'm going to make it through these next two years. some would look at the journey ahead as an upcoming adventure, be excited, look forward to the changes in store.

i'm just scared. and sad.

who knows? maybe i'm just pms-ing...