"Mr. Sandman? Please bring me a dream."

went to bed at 0230 and i wake to an alarm i set a couple days ago for 0415.  i started thinking (a dangerous pastime, i know.) and now i can't fall back asleep...

this past sunday night rey's best friend died unexpectedly.  when he told me i remember feeling a sharp pain in my chest as i gasped, "what?!"

the past two days have been an odd mix of emotions.  one second i feel like everything is the same, kids to school, go to work, make dinner, etc.  then i also have these deeply reflective moments.  i'll miss this person, who(m) (sorry, never know when to use the 'm' despite the fact that people keep explaining it to me.  maybe because i don't care..) i knew for only several years.  strange as he was, he was a good person.  life is truly unpredictable.  and while we all already know that, i'm still shocked every time it reminds me.

everyday i see people who are swirling in their misery.  i do not want to be one of those people.  it's so hard not to get tangled up in all the seaweed floating around in my vast dark ocean.  one of the little girls at my work posted in her blog that she is sad and lonely and aches for someone to adore her; she has so much love to give.  i remember feeling the same way.  i remember hoping for so much more.  i still believe that true love between two people exists, just not for me. it just happens to not be featured in my movie.  which is ok.  sometimes i am bitter, but those moments are getting further apart.

what's on my menu?  let's take a gander:

• lots of kids.  big ones, small ones, boy ones and girl ones too.
• travel.  mostly by car.  i don't know how to fly a plane, and any sized body of water creeps me out, including pools (haven't you seen "House"?).
• tragedy.  there are a handful of people who i was once close who i haven't spoken to in years.  just recently reconnected with my sister after 3 years.  i have an email i need to send, but every time i write it, i read it and then end up deleting it.  maybe i'll know what to say one day.
• work work work.  i love what i do.  i meet the craziest people and i get to do the craziest things.  one of these days, when i don't need the money, i want to be a paramedic.  they get paid a lot less than i do, but get to do the coolest things.
• friends.  i often wonder how i have been fortunate enough to have such good friends.  i've been picked up out of state at a moment's notice, loaned tons of money, carried & driven home in the middle of the night.  i've been loaned cars, had help with moving (numerous times), and been fed the most delicious foods.  my friends have watched my children at all hours so i can: go to school, have mental breakdowns, fly across the country, work extra hours and get laid.  my friends ride the short bus.

being in love?  for now, at least, not on the menu.

listening to:  "walking after you"  by the foo fighters.

go to bed already.

ugh.  it's been one of those weeks.  and i've still got three days left.


about a month ago i bought a bunch of tickets for a girls' night out this sat, and now i'm really not feeling like going, but seeing as how i am the coordinator (and designated driver), i should go.  truth is, i'd rather be at home with the kids.  maybe i'll feel better when i'm all dressed up and at the show, watching barely clothed gorgeous men shaking the junk in their trunks.  did i mention they're gorgeous?
hold on, i'm visualizing...
yeah, feeling better already.

listening to:  Simple Kind of Life by No Doubt

afraid to change

its been almost two months since my "new year" post. since then i found mold in my new place that was starting to spread throughout the whole house quickly. baby had been sick the whole two months, so i immediately put in notice to move. after numerous tries (i was turned down everywhere because of bad credit, thank you, ex husband...) i finally found a nice (and pricey) apt. I just got the last of my things moved in.

i remember feeling similar despair several yrs ago with some situation with my ex. i cried and cried over something and felt like i was never going to get over it. this move felt a lot like that. it just never seemed to end. i was (more than the usual) crazy and depressed. sometimes i would feel sorry for rey as he tried to help me with the horrendous move from hell, and other times i found myself looking for a blunt object to whack him with (more the latter).

every once in a while i reflect on something i read in an article a while ago about the sacrifices mothers make. in a poll a group of women were interviewed. the question was, "if you could have more of one thing what would it be?" most people answered with money, sleep, sex. almost every mother said,

"Time."

listening to "change" by blind melon

starting over... (again)

it's time for me to start blogging again. i remember how much i enjoyed writing to no one in particular; maybe a few friends who might be interested in my thoughts and musings. that time has long passed, what with so-and-so having a kid and so-and-so getting married, and so-and-so isn't allowed to play anymore because of the mr. / mrs. ah yes, and my other favorite excuse, so-and-so just doesn't like me anymore. all that aside, i really enjoyed blogging so i guess its time to stop pissing away my little bits of free time on ZUMA and get back into my blog.

for the most part i accomplished all of my goals for 2010. i became NPS (neonatal & pediatric specialties) certified, i got trained in the NICU (neonatal intensive care unit) at my hospital, i paid off all of my debts to the ever knock-knock-knocking IRS & FTB. and i don't know how the hell i managed (and am still managing) this one... i got my own place.

the things i didn't accomplish last year was: going to the gym 2 - 3 x per week. getting weight down to 145 lbs. (don't ask what i tip the scale at now. let's just say i'm "husky".)

i'm trying to take better care of myself this year and i did quit smoking around the middle of december.

so here's to another beginning. i'm so excited to see what this year brings :)