Theme Songs (Emotional Playlisting)

Oh man, what a polly-wolly crappy day... for the most part it started out good, and by late afternoon, i was a mess! all i could think about was packing up a few changes of clothing and running away to some far-off place where no one knows me at all. TITT that sucks the most: when i realize where true love comes from, i am compelled not to draw from those sources. i think i simply want to not carry other unbearable burdens anymore. sorry for the cryptic-ness, but it cannot be avoided sometimes. some will understand, others won't - most don't usually. if you need further explanation, please feel free to ask. i just might answer.

today i was asked to do something i really couldn't do, and i have such a hard time saying no. period. and yes, i said no, but it made me feel not guilty, fortunately, but pissed, bitter, and well, pissed. i really don't like feeling like this. it bothers me that i emotionally allow myself (workin' on being responsible for my reactive feelings, rather than blame the prick who pushed me into those feelings!) to react to things this way. i feel this drive to be what i think is better, and try to be more contemplative about things rather than angry and hostile. it really depresses me to find myself swimming in these ugly feelings.

someone once had a conversation with me (probably over coffee :) ) about being able to see the positive side of things. and be thankful for them. and cherish lessons that while are hard, but that help me be better in life, even if through tough situations. so... thank you, taxidriver (hey! new nickname! it's perfect!), for giving me the opportunity to say, "i really cannot do that, it is too much for me at this time in my chaotic life.." thank you for giving me the challenge and although i feel that i did not meet my own hopes with regards to my slightly wimpy-ass declination, it gave me the chance to try out my skills of "standing up for myself" and showed me that i need some serious work in that department! i really mean that, btw.

got out class early, and called a precious lifeline, totu. i said something like, "i'm so bummed today." and he said, "tell me all about it.." and so i started to ramble on and on and on for about 15 minutes, and finally said, "damn! what a mouthful! thank you so much for listening. you are always so patient with my ramblings. did i talk you to sleep? hello?" apparently we got disconnected right when i started talking, and he figured i was close to home, so he decided to wait for my call, and haha! i told the whole story about my crappy day and he didn't hear a word! i love the little things that catch me off guard and make me laugh...

career choice of the day: soft-porn novelist

high:

• got a good, intense study session done. i must now pay homage to the caffiene gods. i love coffee. the jitters make me giggly though. and talkative. but you all already know that. : )
• helping my daughter's teacher (struggling in math at SWC) with some basic tutoring. it's nice to be there for somebody, especially when it's sharing knowledge that makes their life a little better. makes me feel useful.
• snapping out of a nasty mood via good friends. linesteppa, you're always there for me. and when you're not, it's because you can't be. you laugh when i get psycho and do really good impressions of me in later conversations. i love it. "i'm gonna kill that bleep bleep bleep!!" my only fear is that i'll be to you what i dread others being to me: standing on my shoulders and when running out of room, onto my head. promise you'll tell me if i ever do so. ah, totu. nothin' in the world like a friend whose woes compares to one's own, huh? i was thinking that i could drag you into my miserable bog of an evening (seeing as how misery loves company and all...), and you've managed to clear the skies. thank you, mr. weatherman.

low:

• can't find 2 of my old math books and their student guides... i'm pretty sure i lent them out to other people who needed help in math, and i don't remember who. i'm sure i'll never see them again. maybe i should just go out and buy whole new sets.
• when i wrote that last "low", it was earlier in the day... boy did i have another think comin'...

today i spied:

• effort. hey! down to less than one a day!
• underestimation. "yeah, i totally got this test.. i know all the terms." not!
• excitement!! yay! the guavas are starting to ripen!
• unidentifiable roadkill
• a good student with genuine desire to learn. she really tried hard to understand me and for the most part, she did.
• a hamster with balls the size of a large walnut