A Dog & His Girl

"Mama, wouldn't it be nice if there was a miracle and Sunny lived for another year?" her big beautiful eyes seemed to plead with me as if I might be able to grant this wish.

"You know, Baby, I'd like to think that Sunny got his Miracle, because he came to live with us for about seven years. Do you know the story of how he came to live with us?"

And so i hugged my daughter tight and told her about how Sunny was with another owner. And she had a boyfriend. The boyfriend always thought that she was really mean to her cute little dog, Honey. Well, they ended up breaking up and when the man left, he couldn't bear to leave Honey with the lady because he didn't think she took very good care of this really nice dog.

the only problem was that he couldn't keep a dog with him, he lived in a small trailer. so one day he left Honey with his daughter, Candy. he said, "please find Honey a good home because i can't keep him with me.."

Well, Candy couldn't keep him either - she had a rabbit, a couple cats, four kids, and a male rat she just bought from the pet store (who surprised us all and had seven babies one morning...)

so Candy called up her friend around the corner (guess who that was?) and said, "hey girl, i know you have no time, money, or space in your house right now for a dog, but i can't keep him and he's REALLY nice. waddaya think?" i went to her house and fell in love. when honey came to live with us i changed his name to sunny because honey seemed a bit too girly.

sunny was the most wonderful companion. i remember once when i cried so hard i couldn't breathe. i gasped and sobbed and ached from the inside out. and he jumped up on my bed and plopped down (literally) on top of me. he would escort the little ones to the bathroom in the middle of the night and if anyone was awake in the house, he would stay with them until they went to bed.

i'm so very grateful to have had such great adventures with my dog. i could walk him without a leash in the middle of the night and he wouldn't stray too far from me. he listened so well. i hope he heard the immense love in my voice as i told him what a good dog he was as he collapsed in my arms when he was put to sleep yesterday morning. i miss him so much.

wonderful what the unconditional love of an animal can do for the soul, huh?

sigh. ok... time to dry the eyes, put on my Mom Shirt and be growned up for my kids.

i'll be here tomorrow, but my dreams may not

the more i bang my head against this wall,

the more i realize that it won't fall...

the saddest part of this story is when i see
the hopeless romantic
dwindling away.

it seems to me more each day
i'm just not meant to be in love, or be loved.
i cannot write my own story, even if i happen to think it's a rather good one.

i am officially working all nights now. no more day shifts & night shifts. you'd think this is a good thing, but it's actually turned me into night owl. and it seems that working 40-60 hrs a week day & nights was keeping me predominantly diurnal (yes, i looked it up...), but working all nights has made me more tired, and last 2 nights ago i worked, came home at 730 am, and then slept for 13 hrs. rolled out of bed feeling hung over last night. hopefully within the next 6 mos or so i'll the hang of it and not be so tired all the time.

recently tried to reconnect with an old friend who i had a bit of a falling out with a while back (believe it or not, i have a tendency to piss people off for all sorts of interesting reasons...). i guess they aren't ready, and maybe won't ever be.

my brain hurts so much sometimes i can't put thoughts down like i used to. i miss my kids, i miss my friends. i've decided to have hurkey day this year, the day after thankgiving. it's actually lifted my spirits quite a bit; given me a reason to diet, har har.

highs:

• my 14 yr old doesn't hate me. i think he actually enjoys my fussing over him. he's in the ROTC program at his high school and has to wear a uniform every once in awhile. on thursday night i asked, "donovan, is your uniform ready for tomorrow?" he replies, "yes mom, but my commander says i have to shave the hair on my chinny-chin-chin..." i laughed. i called rey for advice and he came over and gave my son his first shaving lesson. and as i took pictures (that i promised i would NEVER show anyone (unless of course that kid ever decides to disobey me, a clause i conveniently left out...)) i wondered if it occurred to this man that one day donovan might think back on that night and be a little grateful, and sometimes in life that's all that really matters.
• i like working at both jobs. i've made a lot of friends. i love educating patients. it's so nice to explain to someone why they do this or take that or refrain from blah blah blah. i get lots of thank yous, and it makes me feel like i'm doing a good thing. i crack jokes with pts & coworkers all the time, which makes the nights go by faster.
• my hair is the longest it's ever been, and i'm almost ready for a CHOP!!!
• ready for the shocker that i don't think is really a shocker? i got a tattoo. it's fairly large. i love it.

lows:

• been having some bad dreams lately. i worry about the kids being at the x's. sometimes, i wish... i wish, i wish...
• started smoking again. i keep telling myself that it'll pass, i'm just under a lot of stress right now. when i say it to myself in just the right tone, you know, with a hint of empathy, it sounds pretty damn convincing...

listening to: cat stevens. i guess i better change the artist soon. if i listen to him for too long, everything starts looking damn bleak...

damn this country song life...

every once in a while i think about deleting my blog because i rarely have time for it anymore. but then i browse through my old posts and i'm taken back to those times when i wrote them. when i split with my ex almost four years ago, i knew that 2008 was going to be one of the hardest years for me because this is the year that i would be working full time, trying to play catch up with my debts. little did i know it was also going to be hard for other reasons as well.

this past month and a half has been especially tough. i am changing employment status at both hospitals. my schedule is changing drastically and i am stressed about child care. there never seems to be enough time for much anymore, and when i do have a bit of time, i've been finding myself mentally paralyzed. trying to pull it together has turned out to be more difficult than i expected.

sometimes i hate my job, sometimes i don't. i guess everybody feels that to some degree. i'm burned out on giving treatments to people who don't need them & not being able to give them to people who do need them. working in the ICU's can be pretty depressing since everyone who's there is fucked up. gruesome car accidents, stabbings, gunshots, suicide attempts, you name it. working on the floors has it's own shit too. some of those guys are flat out loopy, and the ones who aren't break your heart for having to be there. one of my pts was telling me the saddest story of how the pt ended up having custody of their grandkids - the drug using mother dropped them off one day to be babysat and just never came back...

and there are times that i feel that life is good. my kids are happy and healthy, i have good friends. my dog has the worst gas there ever was, but he's loyal and loves me. i try to think that one of these days i will have an easy going life. i want to travel. i want a garden. i want a house with a front porch where i can sit with good company (even if it's myself) and enjoy a warm drink. it's pretty simple. i just gotta find my focus...

...maybe it got stuck in the couch somewhere...

eyes half open

I posted a bunch of pics from our trip to New Mexico in July. click the link on the right if anyone wants to see them...

called in sick last night. i feel kinda bad because i don't like the idea of screwing over my coworkers. but i think they were ok, they've been calling people off almost every night this summer. i was so tired i ended sleeping for about 20 hrs. sometimes it feels like it will always be this way. other times i have hope.

donovan turns 14 next week. i'm still trying to get used to the idea of having a teen in the house.

ugh.

INBOX

some of the more (or less) interesting texts in my phone

• Fwd: a boy was in bath w/mom asks mom whats that hairy thing down there? mom says its my sponge. boy says oh aunty has 1 too. i saw her wash dads face with it.
• nice way to get out a lie.
• i love you.
• Fwd: fwd msg: man gets home n shouts, "honey pak ur bags-i just hit the lottery!!!" she says, "what should i pack?" "doesn't matter, just get the fuck out!"
  
• after great sex she laid there strokin his penis. he asked: do you want some more? she said, No, i'm just admiring it... i used to have one.
• this sex is sex, how sex, you sex, keep sex, a sex, dumb sex, ass sex, busy sex, 4 sex, 20 sex, seconds sex. now read this without the word sex.
• oh, btw... i m going to need to buy a cat to have a good excuse for all the scratches on my arms nowadays.
• are you up?
• can i come over?
• fair enough... there's some stuff i wanted to talk about tho.
• tell me about it TOMORROW when i see you :(
• happy bday :) i hope you have great day i think about u i pray 4 you i hope u forgive me i love u
• Happy Mother's Day, Melissa, Ms. Pouty, Superfreak and the rest of you. Remember... It takes a village to raise a child.
• i have to be to make you smile sometimes. love you, baby.
• AND YOU CAN'T CHANGE THAT! OH NO...
• True... tell the kids i love them tho.
• ha ha. i don't look that young... we ll be friends again.
• you could make a large dog out of the stuff that came out of the lint trap.
• yes unless you want it
  

into the vast unknown...

i can't believe we've decided to do what we've decided to do...
sometimes when i reflect on our decision to expand our family, i get knots in my stomach! and other times i feel a sense of calm, like this is a good thing for all of us.

the kids were all excited and full of questions when we told them the news. donovan was/is a bit reluctant about giving up his old room, which is the smallest in the house. he doesn't want the bigger room because we'll have to use part of it for storage, and he really wants his privacy. i think he'll be ok..

my mom took it well... (dare i say she was even supportive?) yep... you guessed it... my stepdad's moving in with us... they are in the process of getting divorced, and while i was very sad to hear it, i have to admit that i was surprised the he's lasted this long. my mom can be so overwhelming! there used to be days when i would be just incredibly drained after hanging out with her.

it should only be for about a year (famous last words, huh?), but one of the main reasons why i am cool about it is that i've lived with my stepdad before, and he is pretty helpful around the house, very easy to get along with, and great with the kids.

besides, we all work so much and at such odd hours, i don't think we'll ever see each other really...

upside-down you turn me...

how can i not be nuts about a guy that has
"2008 offensive tackles" in the google bar?

who also left the computer on that same site when he left the house, which had a sports announcer guy screaming some gibberish that freaked me out when i walked through the door later on, thinking some mental hospital escapee had broken into the house?

who puts together BBQ grills into the wee hours of the night, and says:
"whoa... that doesn't look right..." or,
"huh. oh well..." or,
"c'mon, baby!!" and my fav,
"why you mutha..."

who prefers to sleep on the couch, eats food thats been sitting out all night, and leaves enough shaving scum in the sink to make it look like the friggin' sink has grown a beard...

he's converted the oldest son into a hot sauce fanatic, prepped the younger son for a career with the circus twirling sticks, turned my tomboy into a quarterback, and baby girl is his personal "shnuggle bunny"...

"that's your man!" tracie laughs when i tell her that we can't use a gas grill because "bobby flay says real grillers use charcoal..."

"yo' man, and you can have him.."

"excuse me, waiter? reality check, please..."

around 5.30 this afternoon i was driving home with the kids from a friend's house. she was kind enough to let me pick her kalimansit tree clean for a marinade i'm making. tomorrow (or rather, later today...) we're having a double bday party for the middles, d2 & d3.

as we were driving on a bridge that goes over the freeway and then leads to the on ramp, donovan says, "mom, is that a fire?"

i look ahead in the direction we were going to be driving and groaned, "yeah, i think so." i remember feeling puzzled because the "smoke" was light brown.

then it dawned on me that an accident had just occurred.

we took the on ramp and immediately went into the emergency lane. i was second on the scene. the car was totaled and all 4 participants were seriously injured. i thought it ironic that it always seems the driver in a major accident is usually the least injured. four young adults. one with at least a broken leg, another who couldn't move his back, a driver in a daze, and a girl who was about to go into shock.

before i was a licensed RT, i used to feel helpless, and the only thing i felt comfortable doing was calling 911.

today i was ready to do whatever i could to help, which is a lot more than i used to be able to do, and yet i felt just as helpless. there was another woman there talking to one of the boys, and i could just tell from the way she was assessing the boy that she was in the medical field. she said "yes" when i asked and i told her i was an RT. she smiled and said she was one too. somehow this made me feel so much calmer. anytime, in the hospital or not, when the shit hits the fan, there is nothing like having another RT there. i was wishing awful hard that stitch was there, and when he didn't magically appear i was certain this wasn't just a bad dream.

among the other "helpers" was a woman who told one of the girls that she's praying for them, and an incensed man who started yelling at the driver. apparently she was merging way too fast and had to brake suddenly for a slow car, which is what caused the accident. i barked at him that this was not the time for blame. he stormed off.

someone's sneaker in the emergency lane about 25 ft from the car made things eerie and surreal and i was relieved to hear the sirens approaching.

the kids handled it well, and they were glad we stopped. it was a mixed blessing that i was behind the first car - they didn't see much at all, but it was stressful trying to keep an eye on them. the praying lady was kind enough to check on them.

as we left the scene i thought, "what if we had been 2 minutes earlier? OMG... we could have been involved..."

i was still queasy half an hour later when we were shopping for groceries and day said, "mama. i think i want to be a respiratory therapist when i grow up." i picked her up and hugged my (getting heavy) 9 yr old close. then she whispers,

"or maybe a doctor..."

T.G. for 4 day weekends...

and i think i've earned it... i am tired...

gotta love it when i groan about being up at such an hour and he reminds me of many a night when he was up without a single protest and had to work the next day...

or two...

perhaps even three...

and the highs are still high. and the lows are still low. and there is never enough time for anything in this life, especially for figuring out what there is time for, so i find myself squeezing in kid time boyfriend time and work time (not necessarily in that order...) into a very narrow funnel, for sanity's sake.

which makes for an oddly happy life.

we took the munchkins to balboa park last saturday. on sunday we went back with the dogs to the dog park. i was so grouchy from working the night before i barked at everyone over a simple mistake and insisted we go home. home we went in total silence. pulling into the driveway rey said simply, "if you want to stay home, that's fine, but i'm taking the kids back to the park."

i kept my insuppressible smile to myself (it would have been out of character to do otherwise), grumbled something incoherent and fell asleep for the rest of the ride back to balboa park. D1 was the only one who had the nerve to thank him.



getting them to all smile nicely at the same time is a major endeavor, so i've managed to able to settle for 3/4.


ok. maybe 1/2...


i hope they remember that i've always tried to be what i should be...












sometimes i wonder if he has any idea
how much she loves him...

















































i cracked my first set of ribs yesterday and didn't pass out (that's a good thing, right? did you know that the people taking care of you & your loved ones are human?). in fact, i broke a sweat doing compressions on a poor pt. who should've had their code status more well thought out - there was too much confusion as to whether or not do a partial code, chem code, or just bag and no compressions. my best advice to those out there is to think about what it would take for them (or you) to not want to be resuscitated and be freakin CLEAR about your code status before you are in one...

oh, and think twice about going to the second floor to drop off one's pager to another RT for a lunch break, because that's exactly when a code will happen on that floor and an hour later you'll be glassy-eyed and starving and wondering what the hell just happened...

today was such a nice day with the three youngest - sea world, a park for lunch, and grocery shopping for dinner (chicken alfredo with asparagus and dill)...

i kinda felt like a stay at home mom...

p.s. i posted rest of pics on my flickr acct... the link's on the right.

today i'm grateful for

the loneliness that subsides when words of similar longing make life a little more bearable after all...

"and you can't ask for much more than that, can you sir?" i softly asked as i gently pulled a mask over his face. turned the flow to 8 instead of 10 liters to draw out his treatment - he was a bit short of breath. then i smoothed the wisps of hair from his 87 yr old forehead and massaged the creases between his anxious brows.

"my dear, you have warmed the cockles of my heart... do you know what this means?" he was already beginning to drift off.

we talked about human nature and what made his life so rich. he is ready to die...

i always have mixed feelings when i make them cry... even if it is with a smile.

next door was the man who told me the hilarious joke about the two blonds that walked into a building and the married couple from tennesee who divorced in california...

and around the corner from them was sweet miss frail.

"can i tell you? how happy i am that you found me? because i was lost. out there..." she said with glazed eyes. "and now you have found me." for whom i got yelled at by a doctor for insisting that she get respiratory treatments for her severe stridor. a cardiologist who was more concerned about her heart problems than her pulmonary problems. he barks at me to find her chart because he wrote orders for resp treatment and why haven't i given them yet? turns out he didn't write them, and her chart was at his desk, and when the nurse finally uncovers it because it was nowhere else, lo and behold! there's an order that he wrote AFTER i freakin told him to write one and he blew me off saying he already did. dickhead. i should've kicked the leg of his chair when he was dozing off at his desk in the nurses station. yeah. that would've felt great. she suffered through the night and i should've done more. ugh.

my charge chuckled when i told him i'm gonna to lose my job over fighting with a doc one of these days...

stitch mumbled, "oh my gosh, we are so alike..." and told me about a time when he refused to suction a patient who didn't need it...

i wonder if he went into the med room and stuck his tongue out at the doc and flipped him off too...

listening to: "i'd die without you" artist: P.M. Dawn, The Bliss Album
it makes me happy sad, which is so fitting this week...

Oh No!!... What Would A.B. Do??

i'm finally getting to a place where i don't dread going to work. getting a little better at my time management, and i am grateful for stitch's input, as well as helpful pointers from coworkers. i was called off from work tonight (yay!) because the census is low. i decided to call my second job to see if they need me to come in tomorrow. gonna to go in for a day shift, which is nice because i'll actually get to see the family in the evening.

i guess it's fair to assume that everyone knows that relationships are difficult. balance between what i want/need and what he wants/needs can be near impossible at times. i think i have found the key to our relationship woes...

i am going to somehow befriend alton brown and ask him to be our relationship advisor (of course, he'll be on my side...). stitch bought 2 of alton brown's cookbooks from costco, and he has been reading them for the past couple months. i know this not because i pay good attention to what mr. man is reading in the bathroom or bedroom, but because i began to notice that when i would cook or talk about what i'm going to cook, he would start making comments about how to cut this properly or how to steam that more efficiently.

at first i thought it was cute. (note: i said WAS...) "awww! how cute! he wants to be a chef when he grows up!"

then things started to go bad...

"alton brown says that you should sift the flour before you mix blah blah blah..."

ok. i get out the sifter...

"in a food processor. blah blah better aeration blah blah lighter flakier blah blah..."

excuuuuse me??

and then there were the mumblings...

"oooohhh. so that's why my cookies didn't blah blah blah..."

"what babe? did you say something to me?"

"no. i'm just talking to (alton brown) myself... alton brown says here the reason why my cookies were blah blah blah is because i blah blah blah..."

i was already walking down the hallway, rolling my eyes. he didn't even notice that i had exited the room...

i decided the books were going to be "lost" (actually sent to paper heaven, a.k.a. the recycling plant) when stitch started giggling to himself. i guess the side notes are rather amusing...

then yesterday, unbeknownst to my dear, things came to a head. he was making some spicy peanut butter cookies and i offered to help. i washed dishes and measured ingredients. the butter needed to be at room temp. i put the frozen butter on the window sill and he had (the nerve) to say, "wow. where did you learn to do this? this is what alton says to do..."

oh. 'scuse me. i didn't realize that you two were on a first name only basis.

i said, "gee, babe. i've only been cooking since i was about five you know..."

i think he got the hint when he would asked me for advice on when to turn the cookies or how to measure the this and that when i snapped, "i don't know! ask alton brown! go look it up!! what would he do?!"

to which he snickered and left the kitchen for the computer...

to see what A.B. would do.

Stuck In The Middle With You

• figuring out where (or dare i say, who...) that weird 'lindberger cheese smell" is coming from...
• take two's
• the lonely "mine's" that you've made "our's"
• 52 mile trips to bring me my badge - and lunch money...
• tossing me your car keys when i can't find mine - after about a hundred times of reminding me to put them in the designated key spot...
• rolling back crack maneuvers
• softball gloves and magically appearing tupperware.
• fresh farts to replace stale farts (thank you very much)
• more like a stepdad than a babysitter

is it really like opening pandora's box?

i was thinking more like being blindfolded on the wildest roller coaster ever...

happy valentine's baby

a billion dollar patent, five star tramp stamps, and the buttering flutterbies

the other night was crazy at work. i was the therapist for two floors and it was pretty busy. around 3 am the 6th floor received a new pt. i was to give him one breathing treatment stat and then that was it. he apparently was a dr, so i was looking forward to interacting with him. (i think it's that whole comradery thing)

boy. was i wrong! he was moody and hostile, and insisted that there was nothing wrong with his breathing, so why the breathing treatment? i said that since it was only one, it was most likely prophylactic. he had just been in the ER, and some doctors prescribe a one time breathing treatment, esp. if the pt has been admitted for SOB (shortness of breath). i then (very nicely) said, "dr pt, if you want to refuse this treatment, that is fine and you have every right to do so. i will chart it as a refusal, but you are welcome to request the treatment at any time you should change your mind." (seriously. i was smiling pleasantly, figuring he'd had a rough night and all.)

he then demands to know what doctor prescribed this treatment, to which i said the dr in the ER that he saw (DUH!) and THEN he insists that i give his breathing treatment to the guy in the other bed who was coughing. he says, "in my medical opinion he is not doing so well..."

this totally threw me off, because really, he should know better, which i was sure he did, which meant that he was officially starting shit with me, which was not cool. i then scoffed/laughed and said, "are you serious?" (i kinda tilted my head to one side and looked at him sideways with one eyebrow raised... it's my "get outta town, you dumb ass" look... unfortunately for him, i am more prone to using it when i'm tired and not in the mood for too much bologna. oh yeah. you know the kids and stitch know it well, hee hee.)

dr pt waves his hand at me dismissively and says, "i need to go to the bathroom." i tell him i'll call the CNA, who will come and help him. usually i help the pts myself, because it just makes everybody's life easier that way, i think. but in this case, i was not feeling like being close to dr doofus.

i return to the nurses station and tell his nurse, "are you sure that guy's a dr? if so, he doesn't seems like a very competent one. maybe he's just a vet or something... she says she doesn't know what kind of doc he is, and then her and another nurse egg me into finding out. not one to turn down a dare, (i ain't no chicken! and yes, i have (metaphorically) had my tongue stuck on the flagpole many a time...) i proceeded back to his rm.

back in the room, i assisted dr to the bathroom and casually asked him about his licensing. family practice, go figure. i noticed he had a "peculiar but familiar" scent about him while i was helping him. i brought it up with the other nurses. we discovered rather interesting observations: we all agreed that pts with either chronic renal or liver failure tended to have this scent about them. and then, eureka! i said that it would be cool if i could train a dog to detect that scent before it was obvious to humans. they thought i was funny and laughed at my genius idea. i made it very clear that i will rub it in both of their faces when i am a billionaire. one of them said, "that's fine, as long as you kick some down..." we shall see about that.

**********************

the nurse educator, another RN, and myself got into a conversation about where to get one's first tattoo. i was saying that my first one will most likely be one my left shoulder, at the highest point. i then complained that stitch was saying that he thinks the "tramp stamp" spots are pretty hot on chicks. the mentor said, "why not? you could get one of those stars on your low back like all the other girls..." ("A" for originality, huh?) to which i exclaimed, "puhlease! those things are like ratings!" we were cracking up. rob, the other RN, says he's gonna tell the next girl he sees with a star tattoo that she should get at least 3 more star tats, because he's she's too hot to be a 1 star rating...
i wonder which side of his face will get slapped...

**********************

and in family news, the kids are well and back in school. this morning st about 515 am stitch said Day is WAY to chipper in the mornings (i agree). she just climbs into bed with us and is all smiles and "good mornings!". just soooo sweet. i think it's the highest part of her day, and i have never seen anybody so pleasant and bright in the morning. i wish she could rub some off on her little sis, who groans and scowls until she HAS to get up... i hope she never grows out of it.

we had some talks about things that left me nervous yet excited, scared and now pensive. i knew when i left my ex that '07 and '08 were going to be tough, but i never expected some of the things that are in my life now. i feel like i am standing at the event horizon of some vast black hole, and i cannot see what is inside, and i think that if i only had the courage let myself go, i could fall in and be happy and there won't necessarily be a white or picketed fence, but i just might find that somethin somethin i've been wanting.

the only thing that sucks is that i have no freaking parachute or lifeline, i have to fall in backwards, and once i dropped a rock into that black hole, and still haven't heard it hit the bottom...