Oh Yeah..................

Merry Christmas. i got a couple of unexpected (but nonetheless wonderful...) merry christmas's this morning. really brightened my day.

As You Wish...

i loved that scene, from "the princess bride". wesley finally catches up to the princess buttercup, and accuses her of throwing away "TRUE LOVE" by not waiting for him to return to her. she sends him rolling down a hill, screaming. "and for all i care, you can die!"

"aaaaaaassssssss yyyyyyooooooouuuuu wwwwiiiiiiiissssssshhhh!!!!!!" was his reply.

and so buttercup threw herself after her love...

it was too damn cute, yes?

thursday night my star pt rocked back and forth between a CPAP machine and a BiPAP ventilator. it was heartbreaking. mrs. sleeps in the room.

in the middle of the night, he begged her to let him die. she said from the other bed, "but i love you! you have to get better!" i felt like i was an extra in a terribly depressing movie. where was the camera crew? would they get the right angle on my trembling hands and quivering lip (it was rather slight, you might not notice it...)

they exchanged i love you's and i remember looking at the clock, wondering what my heart rate was - anything to detach from that moment. i felt a bit lightheaded. 125 perhaps? at least it wasn't juct me - one nurse had to step out into the hallway to have a mini-breakdown.

the two nurses begged me to give a breathing treatment, even if it was saline. i did what i could - i don't think band aids help dying people very much; perhaps just a bit of peace for the mind?

heavy hearted, i went back to work last night. it was christmas eve. i also work tonight. i get to only see my kids for a few hours today, and stitch works through wednesday. my assignment included my previous pt.

chin up, i went to the room. he is on continuous bipap now, and it looks like it'll be this week. mrs. asked me ever so kindly last night to pretty please with a cherry on top, could i get mr. husband through christmas?

what do you say to that?

what the hell else?

"i'll do everything i can mam."

i spent the entire evening hovering that section of the floor. the alarms sang their own ear piercing tunes.

and, i am so glad to say, i was there to silence them and make adjustments as needed.

she wished me a very merry christmas. i smiled, but didn't feel very merry this mornin'.

i thought on the way home. what would it be like to have someone love me so much he slept in my hospital room every night and was there with me when it was time for me to die?

would he still kiss me? even if my breath was bad?

am i so selfish that i can accept the possibility of someone aching that way? if he loved me that much, wouldn't it be fair to say that he'd also hurt that much?

off to dreamland before the munchkins get here... let's cross our eyes he makes it through tonight. i don't have a lot of leeway - he's a DNR. however, the nurses at my hospital are incredible - they go girl... i think they got a bit o' magic in 'em sometimes...

here comes the sun

and i'd like to say it's all right, but we never know, do we?

and isn't that one of those things we love-to-hate-to-love about life?

i went to a job interview today. i scheduled the interview for this morning at 9 am. i checked my calendar and saw that i was working monday. so that means tuesday morning i'll be free, right?

DUH!!

monday NIGHT i worked (last night) and so right after work (730 am) i went home, changed, and then went to the interview. this position is for per diem (on call, basically) and i can bring in some extra money every month so that i'm not scraping by (or borrowing (ugh. it makes me cringe.)). i'm looking forward to the additional experience. the hospital i currently work at does not care for neonates or pediatrics (they get shipped to children's hospital). however, the new place i'm applying at does have a pediatric and neonates floors. i'm really excited.

now i just need to make sure i get sleep...

behind this closed door...

is an anticipated call that never came,

a dreaded one that came too early,

an unexpected one that brought a smile...

is a fear i'm afraid to uncover,

a secret i cannot share,

a truth i know i have to face...

is a bottle of beer i hope to win,

a shift i push to be over with,

three hours that inevitably are wasted on cheap wine...

if i had a nickel. for every
tear i've shed
time i've rolled my eyes
sigh i've expelled
shit-list i've been on

for just this year alone,

i think we'd all be filthy rich, because i like to share the wealth.

Trolley Tripping, Sunday Football & the Near-Death Experience

on saturday the six of us (ok, it was actually the five of us - stitch was out-voted unanimously...) decided to go on the trolley for an adventure. i have always wanted to do this, and was re-inspired by a post from hotfudge. stitch almost didn't make the trip - he wasn't feeling very good (i think he just needed some fresh air - i get like that too.). thank goodness for leily's "magic water" that miraculously got him out of bed and motivated to go...

we decided to go north towards seaport village, to see what we could see.

and what did we see?

Daniel helping stitch buy tickets...

three little rascals waiting for the trolley ever so patiently...

my baby boy daniel...
seaport village: these are carriage rides that take you through the downtown area. nice, if you don't mind the smell of the manure collecting behind the horse...
there were free activities for visitors to play. stitch and daniel played lawn chess.

the girls were jumping over the captured chess pieces and practicing cartwheels. leily fell out of a tree she climbed and plopped down rather hard on her butt... the little trooper walked it off, and with a bit of tlc was able get back up.


on sunday morning i was almost killed in my very own garage. i went to the upright freezer we keep in there and opened the door. i was showered with mini candy bars that fell out of an open bag. the bag was carelessly (or purposely one might suspect...) left on top of the freezer. this should never have been the case, since this candy is SPECIFICALLY for halloween. i marched into the house and called everyone together for an emergency family meeting.

"i was almost killed just now by a bunch of candy falling on top of me in the garage!" i exclaimed, "does anyone have any idea who did this horrible and careless thing?!"

stitch started mumbling something and made his way for the back of the couch, averting eye contact.

"i'm sorry, babe. did you say something? i can't hear you..."

everyone was giggling because they all knew he was the culprit - he can be easily (and often) caught snacking on a snickers or almond joy...

i continued, "now i know it wasn't leily or day, they are too short to reach the top of the freezer... that leaves one of the boys! i know it wasn't Rey because he is ALWAYS emphasizing the importance of safety. so who was it, boys? which one of you two did this?"

from the back of the room, "um... i think that maybe i might've um left the candy out umm..."

"aha! you DID do it.. what shall his punishment be?"

i asked daniel for his input for stitch's punishment because daniel was just in trouble for not being safe. he was constantly running around even after being scolded the day before when we were waiting for the trolley. once i had palpitations he scared me so bad...

daniel said, "no football for the rest of the day!"

HA HA. i wish i had a picture of the look of shock and then despair on stitch's face...

i gotta give him credit - he stuck to it. and every time he started grumbling or tried to protest it, i reminded him that i was almost killed, and that he was actually getting off easy...

not much better...

I don't think i like this site...

celeb look-a-like.

oohhh. this is bad. i should redo this sans glasses.

the home stretch

hoping i'm not jinxing myself by coming out with this...

I got a job!!!

i received a call last night from the dept. manager and he said they would like to offer me a full time night position...

of course i said yes! i will hopefully start working in about a week or so. the hospital just needs to do a background check (hopefully not too many skeletons fall out... i'm so glad i got that streaking violation reduced to a misdemeanor...) and i have to pass a physical. a friend of mine that i just spoke to works there and said that it's just a basic physical, no x-rays or ct scans. too bad. i was hoping for full blown body invasion...

i have a whole new energy - i want to get the house as clean as possible and maybe even prepare a couple meals and freeze them so that i don't have to cook too much or end up doing take-out.

i'm going to do a lot of misc. paperwork tonight and shampoo the carpet (it seriously needs it). take the XL blankets to the laundry mat, and hopefully tomorrow or thursday get this damn overgrown yard finally done.

i love coffee and coffee loves me
sometimes i even drink a little tea.
chai or green, it does not matter,
just easy on the milk, it'll make me fatter.
getting things done feels so very good,
for a couple months now i've been under a hood...

wondering where some things are going, and remembering that for the past couple years i've known this year was going to be the hardest of them all...

just a couple more months, baby. i'll get there...

The Long Day That Is Not Over Yet

i broke my mother's heart today.

it wasn't the easiest thing for me to do and yet, i wasn't even trying.

i had a talk with her about the way she interacts with the kids, and how she needs to begin doing things my way, or she can not see them. it was a long and difficult talk.

once she tried to sucker me into a debate - i guess it was her way of calling me into the boxing ring to duke it out... the thing about "talking things out" is that when i am truly truly done with something or someone, i will not let myself be engaged in anymore conversation other than the initial subject. when she realized this, she backed down. and i actually felt bad for her. but it had to be done. there is too much drama in my life as it is, and i am trying very hard to keep my children out of it as much as i possibly can. as if problems with voldemort and my sister aren't enough, i don't need my mother whispering more crap into their ears. true or not, it is still adult matters, and as far as i am concerned, crap that my kids shouldn't be exposed to. they got enough goin on as is...

and in other news, i went to an interview this morning. my first so far. i honestly don't know if they liked me or not. i'm just glad i didn't ralph on anyone. that includes myself.

quite possibly the most intense hour of my day so far. the hour with my mother was probably the most tiring and depressing...

so far...

over the river times ten

a good friend of mine has a loved one in prison. on saturday stitch and i drove her out to Blythe, Ca for visiting hours. we had nothing but free time from 8 am to 3 pm. at a nearby liquor store, i talked with a man who suggested driving through quartzsite, az, which was just up the way.

this sign was about the most interesting thing in quartzsite... and the very nice english couple we met in an AM/PM. they were headed out to tombstone for a wedding. they were kind enough to invite us along, if i cleaned out their car first...

this is Parker Dam. here is stitch playing vanna white. it was pretty hot out. the single public bathroom didn't have a lock on the door. the man monitoring the dam must've thought we were a couple of nut cases, we were goofing off so much...

there are turn-outs all along the winding mountain roads that overlook the river. we pulled off on one and decided to go hiking. finally made it to the top of a mini-mountain and had a rock throwing contest. stitch was sitting to my right, so i couldn't get a full rotation as i threw... otherwise, i would've totally wasted his butt!!! (um, yeah, that's it...)

by the end of our adventure, we had crossed the colorado river ten times, drove through lake havesue, and ate a bunch of junk food (mostly diet soda and sun chips. and some jack in the box). i have two new pretty rocks.

we also did a lot of talking. about the kids, about taking more trips, and about me starting work (hopefully) soon. there were times that i was giddy and optimistic about life and love, and times when i was tired and found myself brooding on things that have been weighing heavily on me lately.

one of these particular times i fell alseep. that's when stitch's inner photographer emerged and decided to be a bit creative with the props...

i'm so gonna get his ass back...

AND he friggin' kept a poker face for the rest of the trip until later on at home i went through the camera...

juggling with dilemas is like wading through mud for me. i just want someone to sedate me and wake me when the toughest part is over. what a brat, huh? there is so much you learn about another person if you just take the time to listen and pay attention.

then it gets really scary. then the other person starts figuring you out, too.

i feel so naked...

and away they grow...

this morning as i dropped them off at school, i watched leily struggling to put on her backpack. she was adorable. i sighed deeply and quietly as i watched my "big girl" and realized that she has already started forgetting to kiss me goodbye - she is (too) often so excited to get onto the playground...

as if reading my mind and then confirming my thoughts, my baby girl says with her sweet little voice and toofless lisp,

"mama. can you pick me up as late as you can from my after school program? i want to have more time to play."

i don't know about her, but I heard my heart crack...

and then it was done. before either of us knew it, i was sweeping her up and insisting she stay home with me today. we had SOOO much cuddling to do...

giggling, "but mama, i CAN'T!!"

can't say i didn't try.

Stitch says we have the same smile. and eyes. and walk. and stubborn ways. i find this last bit amusing because when i butt heads with my daughter, she reminds me of him...

at open house, her new 3rd grade teacher, ms. H, was commenting on how much Day and i are similar. she said day's 2nd gr. teacher felt that way too.

i snapped, "just don't say that we walk the same..."

ms. H started laughing, "her other teacher told me that you two DO walk the same!"

i hope i don't swing my rump like that girl.

It was a little odd, sitting on a rock and watching my kids play in a river that i have been swimming since i was about 10. so much has happened in my life since then and yet the paths to the river haven't noticebly changed at all.

my grandfather dying almost two yrs ago has been very hard for me in a quiet way. there was something uplifting about the way he thought i was perfect. i knew it wasn't true, but didn't have the heart to tell him.

besides, i think he might've suspected it anyway...

applying at The Redundant Department of Redundancy

sigh.

i received my (CRT) license in the mail yesterday. i have been going nuts waiting for this to come. i can (finally) look for a job now.

i really want to apply at Kaiser - they have one of best pay scales and health plans - i'm the one who pays for the kids' health care, and they have been with kaiser for years. wouldn't it be nice if i could get it for free?

anyhow. i called the respiratory department this morning, and a man picked up the phone. the conversation kinda went like this:

me: "hello. can i please speak with the manager of the resp. dept, please?"

him: "she's not in right now - she's in a meeting. is there something i can help you with?"

me: "yes. my name is melissa and i'm a certified crt and would like to come in and drop off my resume and an application.."

this is where i smacked my forehead. duh, girl. a CRT is a Certified Respiratory Therapist. i just basically said, "i'm a certified certified respiratory therapist..."

ugh. i am the stumbler of stumbling. gimme a state exam over an interview any day..

the test junkie

i passed my RRT last thursday!

the test was very hard, and i passed one of the sections with a 66%, which was the minimum passing score for that section. i tried to post a picture of my score report, but it wasn't very legible.

there were 11 simulations, with 4 hours to complete them all. one wasn't scored, i double-crossed my eyes hoping it was the one i screwed up the most...

i took good care of:

• the 20 month old in respiratory distress
• the tree surgeon who sustained a neck injury
• the adult male who was going to undergo coronary artery surgery
• my patients during my critical care rounds

so-so care of:

• the male infant who received surfactant therapy
• the adult female with chest pain

and you really don't want to be under my care if you're:

• an adult male with end-stage COPD
• a female who had a diving accident
• an adult male complaining of shortness of breath
• a female patient who fractured her hip.

the neonates/pediatric test is next - i was excited to see a per-diem job offered at mary birch hospital today. they want RT's with neonatal certification. it would be nice to hold little babies again...

outta that slump - shake your rump!

it's been a good weekend.

i passed the first portion of my RRT licensing.

i received my work permit in the mail.

i also received my certificate of completion from my school. (with my last name spelled wrong, of course!)

friday night stitch took me dancing at a restaurant that plays "old school" music. the crowd was a funny mix of old people (who didn't care WHAT they looked liked on the dance floor - the most amusing...), vatos, their cholas, and then people who didn't belong to any particular group (that means us.). i have never been taken dancing in a club like that by any significant other, and it was one of the funnest things i have ever done. we were so crazy, we made other people laugh at us. he really knows how to keep up with me. my thighs are still sore. i can go up a couple steep hills on a bike and not miss a step the next day, and yet out dancing for 3 hours and i'm havin trouble goin up the stairs 2 days later. now that's a good workout..

after dancing, we drove to tyler's restaurant. i ordered a spinach, mushroom and sausage omelet, hashbrowns, english muffins, & 2 buttermilk pancakes (they were SO FREAKING GOOD!). the waitress commented on how it was a lot of food, and then stitch says, "i think she's pregnant..." i was so embarrassed because we're all dressed up, it's about 1 or 2 am, and our eyes are bloodshot. yeah, that's me, mom-to-be out in the middle of the night stuffing myself after dancing the night away. just call me britney...

ha ha. then she takes his order - the "steak for 2" plate. with a baked potato, beans, & soup. he bowed his head as i said, "huh. i think he's pregnant..." we ate so much food, the waitress must've thought we were BOTH expecting. no take home boxes were needed.

sleep was deep - waiting on the new study guide materials i've ordered for my next test, the Clinical Simulations Exam for RRT. i might head up north to see grandma and uncle dan for 5 days with the kids this week. i don't know if i'll be able to bring them up there any other time than now. this might be their last time with her. i'm struggling with a sense of urgency to start applying for jobs now that i've got my work permit and giving my kids some time with their great grandma during the last years of her life.

sigh. i wish he could go with us.

maybe next time, when i go by myself for a weekend...

listening to - "moon child" by cibo matto. i really like it. i think i got it from screg. thanks!

here a hair, there a hair, everywhere a hair hair..

i haven't had a hair cut in almost a year. of course, i pick the day before my test to go out and get a haircut. it was a nice break from studying all morning.

i went to fantastic sam's. it was the only place i could think of at the time.

as usual, the stylist was rude and made a huge fuss over the length, thickness, dryness, and curliness of my hair. she went so far as to pull up the waiting list and call the next 2 people and tell them that she is very sorry, but it is going to take AT LEAST a half hour or MORE to cut my hair.

i offered to wait for the other people and she sighed loudly and said no, she'll take me now. i said i just wanted a trim. nothing fancy. i think my exact words were, "just chop off about 2 inches and i'll be good to go."

i think she started feeling bad, because during the cut she tried to make up for it (i think) by gently chiding me for dying my own hair using drug store purchased hair color. "alicia" asked exactly where i bought my last bottles of color. i said one box was from target, two from rite aid, and one was a black bottle left over from about ten years ago...

she gasped and groaned. it was pretty funny. good thing she didn't lop a chunk of hair off accidentally from shock...

alicia tried to explain why she told the other customers they were going to wait so long - she wanted to make sure she had plenty of time to give me a good cut. yeah, whatever. you just don't to give my "cousin it" mop three times the attention you give to others for the same $16 price. her back-pedaling was terrible. i should refer her to stitch, who has that down pretty good! haha.

i then went two doors down to a beauty supply place. it's run by two sisters. the younger one, sue, is really nice and helpful. she helped me find shampoo and conditioner cheap. i'm going to try and take better care of my hair. the split ends were pretty bad. if anyone wants to check it out, it's in the terra nova shopping center right next to the einstein bagels shop.

sigh. back to work!

i'll post before and after pics later!

listening to: my kettering seminar cd's, of course!! (not! the bee gees...)

"Bricka bracka firecracker sis boom bah! Bugs Bunny! Bugs Bunny! RAH RAH RAH!"

tomorrow i take another test, the Written Registry Exam. it's two hours long and one hundred questions. it's the first half of a 2 part test. if i can get my RRT, registered respiratory therapist license, i can apply at Kaiser hospital. i'd really like to work there.

i am so nervous about interviewing. i haven't received my CRT, certified resp. therapist, license in the mail yet. when i do, i can start handing out resumes. the thought of going job hunting petrifies me. i'd rather take another state exam...

why? because i don't like feeling rejected. i have a tendency to "rub people the wrong way". people usually either get me or they don't. i had a falling out with a friend earlier this year. we were on a rotation together, just the two of us. she was all excited because we'd be car pooling and eating lunch together and blah blah blah. well. by the end of the month long rotation, we weren't speaking to each other at all.

one morning she accused me of hogging up all her experience. and then the dam broke. i was also told that since i am "super-smart" i should let other people who "need help" have more opportunities to learn. good freaking grief. there was soo much work to do in this hospital. we were the only two students. all that because the guy she was assigned to for the day pulled me aside during a code and had me draw blood on a patient. once.

anyway. i tend to be pretty open when i express myself. and i worry that my quirkiness is gonna turn off interviewers. with my luck i'll have a sneezing fit in the middle of a sentence.

and i don't like getting dressed up. for some reason, i get diaphoretic when i put on fancy schmancy clothes. i can't walk in heels very well. do you think anyone'll notice if i wear sneakers painted black?

i need a dose of bugs bunny. he is always so together. even when he's on the brink of madness, he's still in his game. i love bugs.

screw it. maybe i'll go on a couple bogus interviews just go get the fucking-up out of the way.

eureka!! that's it!!

i'm going to get all my stuff together, dress up, get my hair did, and apply as a respiratory therapist at all the fast food restaurants in my area!

damn, i am a fountain of good ideas...

now playing, "don't lie" by the Black Eyed Peas

come out, come out, where ever you are...

an ode to the joys of inebriated eye openers!

to the things that i see only bother to acknowledge when i teeter on tipsy...

i froze five lasagnas and about as many batches of enchiladas this evening.

garlic rice and black beans cooking on the stove as we speak...

i'll be damned if i went through a divorce so that my kids can eat premade Costco meals while i work...

seven days with the kids and now they're gone with (voldemort), "he who must not be mentioned", for a week.

no little girls crawling into bed with me in the middle of the night. no 12-yr old boys wondering if he can go on the computer at 7 am. no 10 yr olds sending his little sister to knock on my door asking if big brother can play on the computer first. no laundry pile-ups. no one-dozen-egg-one lb-bacon-one gallon milk breakfasts...

i miss them already.

no matter what...

i feel kinda bad (ok, i'll be truthful.. i almost feel bad.) that i haven't posted since that last cliffhanger.

i passed my boards on my first try. not an amazing feat, but it was difficult. esp. since that other person was tapping my arm while i was sweating bullets and trying not to shit bricks during my test. i think she finally got the hint when i gave her a pissed-off head shake after her second attempt to get me to answer another question by holding up a piece of paper with a question on it and a list of possible answers.

OMG. there are a total of four cameras (that i could see) in the room. after the second time she tried to get my attention, i was sure that we were going to get kicked out. i felt nauseous and almost started crying as i began thinking of excuses and protests that i might have as i get dragged out of the testing room.

i couldn't concentrate anymore - the words suddenly became unfamiliar to me. then, i had a moment of clarity.

(insert angels singing from heavens here..)

as soon as i realized that this was JUST A TEST, and that if i failed i could take it again within 24 hrs, i started relaxing. i even giggled a bit as i imagined myself as bart simpson in that hilarious episode where he's trying to firgure out a math word problem and starts getting really confused. the numbers start talking ti him and the trains that were heading towards each other end up colliding or something and he gets all flustered. (guess you had to be there...)

and i also reminded my self that stitch said he'd pay the $150 for me to retake my test if i failed. and i was about 3/4 done already...

breathe, girl, breathe...

i jotted down all my normal values on scratch paper. heart rate, resp. rate, blood press. abg norms. whatever formulas i could think of, and then voila! got my groove back. i "hail maried" the rest of the test and bolted out of the test room with 35 min. to spare. i didn't bother going over my answers because sometimes, you just gotta get the hell out.

so i go to this printer that gives you an immediate printout if your school stuff has been received by the state. apparently mine had. i passed with about fifteen or twenty questions to spare.

please excuse the following gross-factor, but the only thing i can compare the feeling to was taking a massive dump. homeostasis, man... nothin' like going back to it.

straight to cheers for a drinky-poo (double apple martini, thank you very much, thor...) and then home. the rest of the weekend was spent with the kids and stitch. we didn't celebrate like i had planned for the past 2 yrs - BBQ/party, everyone clapping me on the back - maybe even parading me around the block on their shoulders with confetti and party streamers softly raining down on me... no trip to europe for two weeks or vegas run dressed in men's clothing...

no, we celebrated quietly, i had a migraine until sat afternoon - i was in dire need of a long sleep. stitch worked 18 hrs himself and we were both beat.

the best part of that weekend was D1 making breakfast for the others so we could sleep in, and the girls eventually crawling into bed with us for late morning cuddling. all of the kids were more excited for me than i was, and it made me feel a little too grown up.

fear not, i have recuperated and am back to my ridiculous self...

loose ends need tying up, and tonight is not the first or the last all-nighter i will pull before this house is done.

stitch and i went to the San Diego comic con today. i have never been and it was so much fun. i want to go again next year and dress up the whole family. we laughed a lot on the walk back to the car talking about getting the boys to dress up as storm troopers and escort me as princess amidala. D4 can be my twin decoy girl. she loves dressing the same as me or Day. we decided that D3, with her tomboy tastes, might like to be a pirate. stitch can be jack sparrow and she'll make a wonderful member of his crew... i'm going to post pics on my flickr acct as soon as i get clearance from stitch on what pics he'll allow of himself to be posted...

it shouldn't be a big deal - he's cute in all of them.

and so, life goes on... (really?)

lost a few friends this year. my sister isn't talking to me and i'm not talking to my mother. not as sad as i thought i'd be until one drunken night. what did stitch say i was doing most of the time?

oh yeah, blubbering...

it's nice when you have a good friend in the one person you spend most of your time with.

who becomes such an important part of your life.
who becomes such an important part of your family.

who really wants to be a part of raising your kids.

who is unselfish with you and never gripes about not having enough time with you.

who says, "babe. don't worry about it. the kids come first..."

who holds me close and promises me we'll always be friends...

no matter what.


now playing: "the longest time" by billy joel

BATTER UP!!!

in 24 hrs and forty minutes i begin my 160 question, 3 hr state exam for respiratory therapist.

i am not as well prepared as i had hoped i'd be.

this last hour has really sucked.

i was having a pretty productive morning. spoke to a few people who cheered me up, and then i get a call from a friend who i have known for about 12 years. she is also taking the test with me tomorrow. she finished school about a year before me and has taken the test 3 times already and failed. i think she'll pass this time, because with each test, she has scored better - the last time she failed by only 3 missed questions.

we chatted about tomorrow - the test is at 1.30 pm and i want to go to a nearby starbucks and study several hours before taking the test. then she dropped a bomb on me like i have never seen... (and believe me, i have had some big-ass, ugly bombs dropped on me...)

my good friend of many years, who i respect(ed) very much has offered me 1 k to let her cheat off of me during tomorrow's test. my heart grew incredibly heavy as i realized she wasn't joking and i closed my eyes while i physically tried to get over the slamming in my chest and smooth this over without ruining our friendship.

there have been SO many times in school when i have been cheated off of. not really a big deal. i am not so uptight that i freak out if someone does it. rarely have i ever given anyone the answers to a test question. our school tests were usually either super easy, or the answers were given out to us the day before. whatever.

but now we're talking about a state given exam. if i were to get caught, my license (or potential license) would get revoked - i would NEVER be able to get my license again. i'd still owe my school the 36 k for my education and be educated in a field i'll never be able to work in.

playing an hour of "ZUMA" has alleviated some of the anxiety. i played under stitch's username, and i think he now has some of the top scores...

i'd rather never get my license because i can't pass the damn test rather than never get it because i cheated...

how do you explain that to a friend?

and to top it all off, she doesn't want to cheat off of my answers, but rather have me read the ones she can't figure out, then give her the answers! like i'm not going to have anything better to do during those 3 hrs!!

several of my classmates have already taken the test, and they all said the SAME thing - not enough time... if i manage to finish early, i really need to be going over my own answers, don'tcha think?

apparently she doesn't..

melisserella

isn't it hilarious when you get so wrapped up in what you're doing

that you don't realize what you're doing?

i mopped myself into a corner in the living room.

with paul simon blaring on the radio and pot roast scents drifting through the house...

and me, in a pair of shorts two sizes too big with my hair in a lopsided bun.

ten painted toes - each a different color because i just couldn't decide.

caffeine's singing it's own tune and i can feel it. which is good.

up ahead:

• quick shower


• Costco (2 boxes of ice cream)


• Donovan's middle school for an ice cream party to celebrate the last day of school (tomorrow).

my 8 lb. 7 oz. cone-headed c-sectioned baby is officially an eighth grader tomorrow afternoon.

i might not cry.

thor was right. "graceland" is possibly one of the saddest albums. next to "still crazy after all these years"...

i LOVE this song!

"You're Kind" by Paul Simon album: Still Crazy After All These Years

brain FART!!

it's just bitching, so float on by if you're not in the mood to read someone else's miserable nagging...

i have to do a case study by the middle of next week, and i haven't done ANYTHING yet, except for adding some useful links to my favs so that i can do some research.

it needs to be a powerpoint presentation to my class and a doctor that supposedly like to grill the students with questions about ABG's and x-ray findings. i am "doing" this project with 3 other girls, one (girl #3) who is from another cohort and i have met once in passing. she seemed rather aloof and self-absorbed. she has not participated in this project at all, and had the gall to tell my other classmate that she doesn't want to do the section of the report i assigned to her.

girl #2 asked for "something easy" to read, because she "doesn't like to get up in front of a lot of people..." loved how she pulled the "my english is not very good..." thing on me.

and girl #1 has the easiest part of all - the introduction. all she has to do is tell about the patient's background (age, gender, reason for admission, etc..) and then do a synopsis on his condition, CCHS. she calls me yesterday and leaves me a message. and i quote, "hey girl. i could really use some help with my section. i'm having a hard time right now, and was wondering if you finished working on the slides..."

OMG. you gotta be shitting me...

none of these girls have families to take care of, and only one has a job. why do i get stuck with this crap?!

because i'm a knuckle head, that's why.

i hate it when i get all gripey and whiney...

Family Chasms & The Big Pha-Q...

It seems that i might have three brothers rather than two after all...

and for the most part, i am surprisingly comfortable with the way things are (or are not, one might say...) progressing.

family can be tricky. mine is all sorts of tied up with things that are sad and lonely from our shared pasts. it creates this weird nostalgia that makes us feel tied to each other in the present.

i have changed so much since i left home at seventeen - i can see why i am getting better at who i am now instead of who i was when i was eight.

today is the day that my shampooer should be coming home. polished clean and ready for use. it was promised by wednesday, but i really don't see how mom is going to be able to clean it and deliver it on the day she is leaving for japan...

what am i talking about?!? she's had it for over two months!

it should be spotless by now...

It's when i'm done...

it's when the house is polished and immaculate from every last corner turned inside out...

it's when the most desparately longed-for promises come bursting forth, tempting the heart, taunting the mind...

it's when the call finally comes that delivers the return of something taken, a committment never to do it again...

it's when what i've asked for, begged for, ached for is no longer what i want...

sorry as i might be, empathic as i might ever feel,

it's when i'm done...

listening to: "three swept" artist: COCTEAU TWINS
with all their doom and gloom in incoherent jabberwocky, i somehow find this song happy.

i thought it was funny...

apparently my 12.5 yr old doesn't think i'm very funny in the mornings when i drop him off at his middle school...

every once in a while i roll down the windows and holler at him in a very thick country accent, "now you be a good boy at school today, baby, ya' hear?! I LOVE YOU!!"

or something like that. he always smiles or cracks up and then speedwalks to the gate, lest someone figure out that that weird-ass lady is his mother.

today he said, "mom. please stop doing that... it's annoying..."

still in my country accent, i replied, "what?! you don' like it when i talk like this? you always laugh!"

to which he said, "no. it's annoying..."

to which i said, "aw, you DID NOT just call me annoying! don't MAKE me get out of this car!!"

he started giggling and ran to school, trying not to look at me as he hurried along. i'm sure it's because he doesn't want to bring on anymore attention from me.

and while some people think that i'm super pollyana about my kids and that i'm going to never let my kids leave the house, i have to say...

while i miss my little one very much, it's good to see him growing up...

listening to: "in the waiting line" artist: zero 7

take what you need, and leave the rest behind...

the past 2 months have been hectic and exhausting. regardless, i am looking forward to the upcoming changes.

i moved into the new house and less than 2 weeks into the move, my sis calls me and says she needs a place to stay. i was very grateful of stitch's offer for her to move into his place, since he's been practically living with me anyway for the past several months.

my rotation at encinitas is over, and i was told by the supervisor to apply there when i get licensed... i really liked it there - the only drawback is that it's about a 40 - 90 min drive each way, depending on traffic...

this month i'm at a children's hospital and it is very very slow after 10.30 pm. the rotation is supposed to be from 7 pm to 7 am, but we get out early. thank goodness..

i have been writing in my moleskeine more frequently and i have been in an odd headspace lately (when am i not??) with regards to life. maybe i'm just pms-ing...

it seems like when things get crazy, i find myself constantly pondering where i am, and where i want to be. try as i might, i can't seem to fine tune my thoughts to where i feel heart and mind are in good balance. it's frustrating sometimes. maybe that's what life is about... walkin' that line...

i am struggling with an overwhelming desire to cut my mom off from all interactions with me for a while. she has pushed every one of my psycho buttons thrice. why do family members think that they have some sort of "special privelege" to use and abuse other family members? i think that the fact that we are family means that we have to be especially caring of each other, and protect each other. mom reminds me of a kid who needs constant confirmation of the importance of her existence.

my favorite line of the month is, "it's my turn to screw up everybody else's life today!!"

frigga fragga... grrr... and breathe in, two, three, four... and out, two, three, four...

career choice of the month: demolition construction crew leader. i've discovered i have a passion for (literally) tearing things down. i think that, in conjunction with my love for core sciences, i'd make one kick-ass demolition foreman... do they make hard hats in pink?

highs:

• the most hilariously distinctive laughter resounding through the theater during "spiderman 3"... spidey gets his groove on as mr. slick rick, and i said, "oh! that's so YOU!!!" stitch knows it's true - he's got the strut for sure...
• taking the boys to a movie and letting them go play video games by themselves. i think that someday (probably 30 years from now...) i'll be able to cut the umbilical on them...
• help from wonderful friends during moving times.
• clam chowder and a nap at the table with stitch and ronin...
• the BOMB fried rice. stitch makes a delicious fried rice. the only thing i don't like is that he fries the chili pepper and habanero powder before he mixes in the rice, and the peppers smoke up the kitchen, which makes us cough, which makes us laugh, which makes us cough, which makes us laugh...
• tetris late at night. stitch always acts like he's gonna kick my ass, and i am always moved by the whole "sacrificial lamb" thing. he knows he's dead meat, but he plays with me anyway. i think he's sweet on me...
• having 2 refrigerators. oh, the things we'll keep stored in there! let's see... beer. bread. cheese. cookie dough. ice cream. all the 5 food groups!
• kahlua and ice cream... my new addiction. i am now motivated to strictly diet and exercise just so i can eat tons of soupy, taste bud tantalizing ice cream with kahlua. sigh. i confess, i ate 2 bowls for breakfast last week. it's not considered alcoholism if you drink it with food, right?
• organizing closets. i aspire to be have a closet as well organized and practical as lotus'. i think i'll scrape and retexture the ceiling first... i hate popcorn ceilings.

lows:

• i had a hard time with my 12 yr old on sunday. he had the gall to tell me that i'm mean. oh boy, it got ugly. i hate it when i get so upset i develop a facial tick and start stuttering...
• the messiest house.. it's getting there. just seems like a black hole of laundry and food and papers that need to be sorted, and toys everywhere.
• babies and babies that i want to take home. last night i took care of the sweetest little 7 mo. old whose mother is incarcerated and father absent. she is very sick and cps is involved. i nasotracheal (n/t) suctioned her (basically tube up nose, down back of throat, and into lungs - yeah, it sucks...), and then quickly soothed and fed her. putting her to sleep took me back to mommy days and i was loathe to put her down and get back to work...

now playing: "old dirt hill (bring that beat back)" artist: dave matthews
my favorite line: "first time i kissed you i lost my legs..."

walking on the dark side of the moon

tomorrow is my last day of class. i have to take a really hard final that i can't seem to get to studying for. my time in school is almost done. i have two more rotations to do (one of them is about a 45 minute drive each way) and then i am practically done. june is around the corner and things are the usual whirlwind.

i am moving for the third march in a row. girlfriend playfully chided me for not having house warming parties as the reason for the constant moving. she just wants to come over now that i'm within walking distance and drink with me.

the two extra rooms will be nice - the boys are starting to need their own space. i want to get some that "caution" tape and wrap daniel's bedroom door.

lotus and my mother have helped out quite a bit with the cleaning - i am grateful for friends that understand that coffee is a necessity for some of us.

i can't wait to be done with this move so that i might not have to deal with my mother so much. i love her very much, but she is fraying every. last. one. of my nerves. our last conversation left me in tears (and drinking), and the last time we were together, she went on and on and ON about psych-k and brain gym, and reverse speech (i'll spare you the links, you're welcome) and something about the evil nazis, the ass, and the asshole. OMG, i almost burst out laughing. talk about testing my zen. i honestly thought i was being punk'd when she was describing IN FULL DETAIL why she doesn't need coffee anymore (as i chugged the last precious drips of my starbucks) because of this metaphysical therapy she's been practicing. as she deeply sucks down her cigarette.. no, i didn't say anything. why bother? she has a very logical-sounding reason for that habit too, i'm sure...

there's a partially eaten tortills on my computer table, granola crumbs in my change bowl, a glass of half-drunk milk on my dresser, and i'm not twitching. damn i'm good...

if anyone can't reach me on my cell phone for a couple days, it's probably because i tripped a circuit and had to clock out for some of the weekend...

now playing: "waiting for my roca" by sublime

over the river and through the woods

last night i came home from a long weekend in the mountains with grandma. i was hoping that the weekend was going to be light and fun - full of goofing off and some chores helping out grandma.

it turned out to be a bit more hectic than anticipated. to sum up my weekend:

• i now know where the county jail is thanks to my uncle. i was waiting in the lobby while grams was visiting with him. i didn't have the car keys, so i couldn't hang out in the car. i was bored, so i read this sheet that outlined the rules for visitation. among my favorites were "the visitor shall not perform sexual acts to him/her self or display one's body sexually during the visitation."
• we (accidently) took the long way home from the airport (my bad, i was driving.) and ended eating at a mex restaraunt. the food was not that great, but the time out was very nice. as soon as we got back on the right road, grandma said, "we knew exactly where we were going. we just wanted to take the scenic route home. we were curious about the afternoon traffic in folsom. yeah, it's pretty bad." i couldn't stop giggling.
• you know you're in the mountains when you're having a conversation with a 20 something yr old guy who's missing a front tooth about what constitutes as actual incest and what's just "creepy". apparently 2nd cousins hooking up is creepy and not really incest, as well as a woman who has 3 kids from 3 dads, and they are brothers, ie, his sister. we bantered about what those kids would call each other. "this is my brother who is also my cousin." i asked about uncles and nieces and was given a raised eyebrow. i'm still not sure what he meant by that...
• i almost finished cutting out the spaces for some vents in the workshop. i don't think i'll ever understand battery operated heavy duty tools. manufacturers shouldn't even bother building them. screwdrivers, yes, but a battery powered jig saw or circular saw is ridiculous. the battery just can't hold enough juice to complete a decent sized job. you end up haviong to recharge the damn thing in the middle of the job, which can be annoying, or have like 3 batteries on reserve, charged and ready to go.
• i love cooking for grandma - she rarely gets cooked for. my new nickname was "the slave". the fridge got a good cleaning - grams forbade me to clean anything else and she promised to "stop fussing" over me so much.
• we went to a nearby winery and drank wine with a picnic lunch of bread, basil, cheese and ham. it was very nice. hank the dog sat next to me with his head in my lap.
• i didn't get to take as many pics as i wanted. i'll post what i can on my flickr acct later..
• i was able to see and old friend, joe, who lives about a 90 min drive from grams. his new girlfriend doesn't seem very pleasant. at all. and lisa is... well, lisa i guess. we missed each other, but at least i was able to see their son. he seems to be doing ok for a 13 yr old who lost a brother so young.

i spied:

• the BEST smoothies ever! grams makes 'em so good.
• mistletoe EVERYWHERE!
• two sets of the bluest eyes i think i've ever seen. the woman's were so sharp it was oddly unnerving. they were almost cat-like. when she talked to me i couldn't help but wonder if her parents had participated in some sort of genetic experimental thingy, like in "firestarter".. i'm sure they weren't contacts. i've just never seen such blue eyes.

the opposing thumb

earlier this morning i was finely chopping onions for a new meatloaf recipe (that rocks, btw).. the onions i bought were not individually selected - they came in a bag (it was cheaper) and so i didn't get to choose exactly what i bought. which left me with onions that are super... well, onioney.. the juices were making me tear profusely, and i cut deeply into my thumb...

my thumb bled for a bit, and eventually stopped. i can't believe how handicapped i have been for the rest of this afternoon..

things that are hard to do when your thumb is out of commission:

• play tetris. rey pointed this out to me when he was trying to convince me to go to urgent care... (i had neither time nor money (my 5 k deductible is a joke...)) i still think i could kick his ass sans BOTH thumbs... tetris MASTER is one of my few boasts...
• pick things up with my left hand. yeah. it hurts.
• wash your hair (or anybody else's for that matter) . the hair gets kinda caught in the cut. it feels weird.
• chop onions.. of course...

stoopidest thing i've heard today (so far):

i'm at the kids' school for pickups. school had already gotten out and i was running late (thank you mr. ass munch director for intentionally keeping us late..). i'm pulling into the school parking lot, and pass 2 teachers talking about their cars. i overhear the woman say, (you ready??)

"well, mines' is just like that, but a little darker... it's more blue..."

wow. i ain't hip to words like, "mines'". yeah. mine-ses..

i need to find out her name so that she don't get nones' of my kids' and teach thems bad grammar..

i know my writing is spewing spelling errors, grammatical mistakes, but i really think elementary teachers should be able to speak proper english.. i also think teachers (or parents for that matter) shouldn't use any sort of profanity (as my 7th grader's teachers do..) around kids.

sigh... maybe i'm just old fashioned...

now playing:

"hang me out to dry" artist: cold war kids album: Robbers & Cowards

man, i feel like a woman...

i had an interesting conversation with a friend of mine yesterday. anne and i sat on the porch and talked about men and the way they perceive women. it kinda boiled down to the fact that everyone sees everyone else differently. of course, you can get into stereotypes and etc., but in the end, it's all about the connection shared between two people...

one of the things i realized is that one really should sit down and think about what they want in their (prospective) partner...

what do i think makes a good man?
does he adore my kids? make me laugh? pay my bills? interested in what i have to say? eat my food even when it's "healthy"? go to the batting cages with me? romance me? pick me up starbucks on the way home?

what do i want my man to think of me as a woman?
does he not care if i dye my hair? wear jeans everyday? not show cleavage? not fix my hair? what about the fact that i'm overweight? that my body is covered in stretch marks? that i snort when i laugh?

what makes a good woman?

is she pretty? does she take time to be pretty? what about women who take "excessive" amounts of time? and women who take none?

i (pathetically) teeter on the low end of this particular spectrum... i don't lotion my legs or hands unless the skin is scaling and crisp. i wax my lip when the hairs are overgrown... i sometimes forget to shave one of my legs.. my makeup and nail polish are all approaching the decade mark (if not already there).

and despite all of this, i have thought that it was ok, because i've always thought that being a tomboy was ok. my mother would only get dolled up for the evil stepfather (childhood!!! i'm tellin' you...) at his persistence. my sis was obsessed with being pretty as we were growing up. i remember being morbidly fascinated with the progressively thinning eyebrows during high school... once i tried to convince her to just pluck them completely - i just couldn't bear the anticipation of their total obliteration...

i think the accumulative experiences i had with women and the unprettiness of trying to be pretty repulsed me so that i didn't want to be part of that at all...

and in a lot ways, i still don't...

a classmate (guy) told me yesterday that i am "way too high maintenance.." i thought it was funny because i've always thought that i am really low maintenance; i don't care about birthday/anniversary/x-mas gifts, i'm not picky when it comes to what to eat, what to do, what to watch (ok, here i have to say, i'm rather reluctant about horror because they can freak me out...), i've always carried my own when it comes to responsibilities, i rarely ask for help with the groceries.

i can only be what is in my heart to be, and expect my (MALE) partner to want to be that for me...

now get back to work...

now playing:
"my star". by madder rose. album is tragicmagic

i'm off to see the wizard!

i finally took some time out last night to call my grandma and i am going to be going up to see her next weekend in placerville. i might have come company, and not sure yet if i'll fly or drive up there. i have mondays off from school for the next 3 weeks, and i really need to get up to see grams. she needs some work done on her house, and i really miss my grandparents' house. i'm afraid to see what my uncle has done to grandpa's workshop... i'm going up not the weekend that's coming, but the one following it...

i'd like to take a moment now to mention that the english language is so friggin' confusing sometimes. when i think of "next weekend", i think of the one that is "next in line", which technically would be THIS coming weekend, right? wrong...

a couple more of my favorites:

"going for the jugular"... this one doesn't make sense to me at all because the jugular veins are bringing used blood from the head back to the heart for circulation to the lungs for gas exchange.. if i were a (smart) lion, and i was trying to ace a gazelle, i would go for that poor sucker's carotid artery, the jugular's complimentary vessel. it is full of oxygen-rich blood and will be full and jutting out of his neck because he's been on the run from me and his blood pressure's through the roof... the artery's high pressures will cause the blood to spout a lot faster, bringing about death much quicker...

another one of my favorites is when people say, "i can feel... (insert intense emotion here) ... coursing through my veins." which is pointless because your systemic circulation (ARTERIES) carries your hormones, and neurotransmitters that your body has most of it's responses to. the veins are the vessels for used blood return!

i brought this up with a person in the medical field, and he came up with (what i thought was) a weak argument about how the veins are what you can easily see on your body...

and??

i think maybe he was just trying to play devil's advocate...

things don't come "from left field", they should come from right field, where most balls are NOT sent to. when you think about it, a lot of stuff actually "comes from left field"...

like 90% of the contents in my blog...

yeah, i hear you...

in my ARTERIES!!!

RUMPELSTILTSKIN!!!

i have 3.5 weeks of classes left, and then i am done with the classes for good. i am enjoying my last class, Neonatal Respiratory Care.

today we watched a video of several women giving birth, and the respiratory care a newborn receives depending on the circumstances of the birth. so we watched several clips. one was a normal delivery, another was where a baby had passed it's meconium during labor, and another was of a premature birth where the baby had to be resuscitated.

the normal birth clip was funny, because you see everything, and i do mean EVERYTHING, as the baby is born. and then, right after the baby comes out, the mother's vagina is blurred out as the doctor suctions the baby and cleans it up.

it was like, wha?

i said, "hey, that's pretty funny that we get to see a baby's head hanging out of a vagina, and the baby coming through the vagina, but god forbid we be exposed to the visual shock of woman's vagina by itself. good thing they blurred that out..."

mr. clinical-director who loves to bicker with me said, "of course YOU would notice that!"

this was an add-on to a joke that's been going on for a couple of weeks; that i am gay.

i'm really not bothered by it, i can take a hit (i think) sometimes. why just this morning when i came to class a little late, my teacher said, "wow! you're wearing make-up again?!?"

i said, "yeah, i've met someone... she's really nice..."

"madonna", one of my classmates that i sit next to, was laughing pretty hard. i love cracking him up. he said during the videos, "i can't believe you did that FOUR times!"

i said, "well, it took me a while to figure out what the hell was causing the pregnancies!"

so bad... there is nothing like a friend you can get nasty with...

take lotus for example. i called her today after school as i was driving to pick up veggies, and somehow the conversation turned into a rather hilarious discussion about sex...

in other news, i arrived early at the pick-up for the weekly organic veggies place, so i decided to go for a hike on the trail that goes through a canyon in clairemont, marian bear park. i had a very nice walk, and i'm hoping that i can get enough stuff done tonight so that i can sneak off there tomorrow morning after i get up (5 am) and bring my camera. maybe get some pics of the sunrise.

my joeys are happy, and i am glad that on wednesdays i have an extra kid (d2's friend from school) through dinner. tomorrow i have a dinner planned with my sis and her three monkeys, so it's going to be a madhouse of 8 kids from 1 to 12. i can't wait!! and the bestest part: it's at her house!! YAY!!

things that make me go "hmmmm...":

• auntie mayo (that's my sis) coming over this morning for coffee before work (a couple blocks from my house). it was so nice to see her. it was interesting to see that she probably has as many hangups about me as big sister as i have about her being little sister, and yet i know we love each other very much. she did my lipstick and chided me for smearing the lipliner too much...
• andre's mom (he's the 9 yr old i take on wed's) telling me about how she loved having my boys over last week. d1 asked her if there was anything he could do to help around the house, and she said she made him ask her 3 times because she "couldn't believe one of the boys were offering to help." we had a good laugh over the laziness of little boys.
• teriyaki sauce i made that was accused (yep, i said "accused"...) of tasting a lot like adobo. the nerve of some people, i swear...
• sometimes the most prudent choice is not necessarily the best choice...
• the way things change between people as the the things around them change. as newton said, "For every action there is an equal but opposite reaction." interesting how physics can also be applied to relationships. with the intensity of love comes fear and sadness. but then again, 23 is just another number... (that movie was riddled with plot holes, btw...)

ahh. one of my favorite blogs occasionally ends his post with a "what's playing..."

what's playing: "Don't Worry, Be Happy", by what's his face, bobby mc-something.. mcknight? mcferrral?

oh dear...

put that shit back on the shelf...

zen master mulysa, that is i...

who loves the cute little dots that follow the end of a sentence...

it implies that possibly there is more to be said than what has actually just been said...

ZEN: i am grateful for the friggin' ONLY toilet that i have in this house of 5+ people that is eternally damned to get clogged with EVERY OTHER trip to the bathroom.

once upon a time i would use this neat trick i came up with; which is to let the toilet fill up with as much water as it could possibly hold without overfilling, and (eventually) the weight of the tank filled with water would cause the toilet to clear, relieving moi of the extremely nasty task of actually plunging the toilet.

the only drawback to this method is that it tends to take some time. which isn't a problem when the quartet is at the ex-husband's house for a period of 2 or 5 days...

dot dot dot

or when there is another toilet in the house that everyone else can use instead...

dot dot dot

basically my damn toilet has flooded about 15 times in the past year. all because i have refused to use the plunger...

i have been embracing this opportunity to overcome my repulsion to use the plunger. some might ask: why? what's the big deal? wtf?

i have been known (by many, believe it) to clean up a lot of shit. there's actually a rather amusing story about this time i was in clinicals last august...

segue.

so i had an elderly man as a patient and i was supposed to give him his respiratory meds (albuterol mdi via trach.) and suction him. i come into his room and he is sitting in his chair and slumped over a portable table. i have to move him into his bed and as i proceed to do so, it seems he has crapped himself. my classmates and i called the nurses and waited for all of 45 minutes before i said, "crap on a crouton, gimme some wipes..."

and now i am affectionately known to some at school as "the ass wiper"...

i guess that's better than my other new nickname, "thunder pussy", which i have been knighted with by the ever annoying little girl whose ass i really wanna kick, if not for the fact that i am a growned ass mature woman.

yeah right, she is so goin' down...

anyhooters, the problem i have with caca is not cleaning it - no problemo. it's when i am in a predicament where i find myself having to break it up or squish it with something. my plunger is one of those accordion types and when "stuff" get sucked into it, i get so grossed out, i start gagging. the whole process makes me light-headed and nauseous...

back to zen. i am (i think i hope) finally overcoming this fear of having to plunge the toilet and am sending out a big "thank you!" to my toilet for forcing me to face my fear...

i've spied:

• myself in the car hollering, "MMMEEEEEEELLIIiiiIIIISSSaaaAAAAaaaAAAaaAA!!!".
• humility. i can still be funny and yet not so blatant... right, right?
• the little bally things that are left in a sifter that you don't see when you're actually sifting the flour, but are all so apparent when all the good stuff has been filtered out...
• cat roadkill this morn' spied by 12 yr old, D1. i made him laugh by getting really excited about it.
• 3 new shelves stacked on my bookshelves in my room.
• a cookbook that's getting some good use.
• thyme. i love it. it really made the chicken & dumplings for dinner last nacht.
• alice going down the chute to wonderland on the ever-tiring, ever-frightening, ever-lasting search for her white rabbit. i hope she finds peace with the mad hatter and doesn't get lost in the flower garden...

over the rainbow

it's 1:40 am and i just drove home in the rain.

the biggest high of the day was being able to say what i had to say and not be so terrified of having to say it.

and the sound of the rain as it pounds the sides of my house makes me feel invincible.

i almost stopped at Denny's on the way home for a cup of coffee, but instead took comfort in the knowledge that 7-11 and Denny's are always open - i can go another time.. any other time, in fact.

i haven't smoked since early january and i remember crying shortly after my last cigarette, because i knew it was my last for quite some time, if not forever, and there was some symbolism entwined with that final act that was heartbreaking.

i don't think i'm really all that cryptic... you just have to know me really well...

and there are only 1.5 classes left and i feel certain social tensions possibly coming to a head.

taking the dogs out for a playdate was really nice - the adoptee (for about a week) is adorable and a wonderful (temporary) addition to the family. i've taken to calling him "fizzgig" and it fits perfectly...

and when life is simple, i am happy.

you drive a HARD bargain there, mister!!

i've had a lot to think about lately. i don't want to bargain..

i wonder sometimes about those who think i'm too giving to others, but oh so delighted to pluck apples from my tree.

that wasn't meant to sound sexual, but it did, huh?

i remember ronin making a comment about how everything is relative. and i see how my ideas of happiness are different from the ideas of others. and that is ok.

once upon a time i wanted a man in my life who would love my children and want to be a part of my family. and while i realize that that would be hard to find, i'd like to think that i'm not below that standard.

can't i want the world? can't i say that i deserve it?

should i have to beg and plead, cry for it, reason for it, and spend my days aching for that little bit of budge? scheming for a way to entice the heart of a man who will not serve his devotion on a silver platter?

hmm... with a little gravy on top. parsley on the side... (which, by the way, i hear was served with dinners to freshen breath after dinner...)

good grief, charlie brown... i'm starting to read a bit like another "creepy" blog some of us know...

put me down if i start reading like that ALL the time...

make it short and sweet, please...

HEY! YOU! Get Into My Car!!!

I might have posted this before, and if i am being repetitious, forgive me. i was reminded of a thoughtful thing my stepdad said to me a while ago, and it went kinda like this:

"we spend our entire adult life recovering from our childhood..."

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maybe he quoted it from somewhere - i don't know. i like the fact that it has stayed with me. sometimes i read things or hear things from others that are so... hallmark-ish... it's gooey-annoying.

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i think often about the things that have happened in my life that put me where i am. i am very scared because in many ways i am alone and it's both terrifying and exciting. for a time there i was insisting to myself that a big part of my happiness includes that special someone that thinks and feels and believes and supports me.

.

i am giddy with relief that this is not necessarily so. (who would've known?!?)

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i'm not going to bother with the "lows" because things are about as jacked as they are going get...

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HIGHS!!!

• teaching D1 (at the gas station tonight) how to look at the tire to determine the max psi for the tire. then he helped me fill the tires, read the pressure gauge, and recap them.
• the maniacal laughter bursting from my living room as i type this while the kids watch "nacho libre".
• D4 (5yrs) is about to lose her first tooth. she is adorable. she is incredibly brave to let me touch the loose tooth, since i've got a bit of bad reputation around here for popping, pulling, yanking and wiggling out loose teeth... (hee hee)
• going to my sister's for dinner. the "yuke-ster" (baby Yuki (1 yr) nicknamed by the other kids...) is an absolute terror. of course all of this is disguised by her precious smile, intoxicating baby smell, and melodious garble talk.
• coffee breaks at cheers.. lotus is looking hotter than ever. i have to say, she is definitely a carla.. i'm sure a group poll would be unanimous... my sympathies are with shogun for being subjected to some of our raunchier discussions... maybe i should get him a pair of ear plugs for "coffee time"..
• being dreamt of...
• totally unreserved, hopelessly annoying laughter. it's the highest high to hear it, the highest high to laugh it.
• beer-thirty at 11 am in peter piper's. i protested to alice buying a pitcher of beer at 11 am on a saturday. her witty response was, "oh girl. i'm sure it's 5 pm somewhere on the planet..." good enough for me...
• cake eating contest between three adults about an hour later...

i've spied:

• gum on a windowsill
• skunk roadkill
• veggie lasagna that was a hit
• body wash that scented the entire house
• chapped lips a plenty
• a table of artwork toppling over from the wind
• a cursed football team
• a misplaced hairball
• deep fried meatballs
• more grays than ever as i grin and bear a pinkie promise with lotus to not color my hair
• a refrigerated bed
• dog gas that could kill a large elephant

career choice of the day:

a professional air hockey player. i have the whole screaming thing down, as well as yelping when i am taken by surprise (which happens all too often). i'd also like to be a foosball player. i bite at pool, but am willing to trade places with the black widow, as long as i get to keep my kids and sense of humor. i think i'm funny and i guess that's all that matters.

bummer of bummers

so today my program director, who i often think is directing us into a tar pit, makes a little announcement today:

"you guys are not going to your next clinical rotations until april, not march. i have decided that you need more time for mechanical vents II and neonates classes..."

what does this mean you ask??

it freaking means i'm gonna be in freakin' school for almost ANOTHER freakin' month before i get out!!

(insert cursing here)

(and here)

the worst part about this was that everyone was in a bit of shock, and he says in this smirking sort of way, "wow. that really shut you guys up, huh?" (chuckle)

i was so wanting to just up and out.

one of the things i hate about this guy is that he knows that we as students don't have a lot of knowledge or practice in resp. care, so he gets a rise out of asking questions that he thinks we can't answer, or need more time to answer.

he'll say, "give me the formula for calculating a desired PaCO2, and tell me what our tidal volume and resp. rate should be for a patient with a tidal volume of 550mL and PaCO2 of 50mmHg, when we want a PaCO2 of 30mmHg (head injury)"...

everyone starts mumbling or writing and he gets this stoopid smile as he watches us and whoever bothers to answer before he answers it himself (and then chides us for not knowing it) he ridicules in front of everyone when they get it wrong, which they will, because there is never enough time to thoroughly think out the question.

that happened to me twice today, and i was gonna be damned if that ass-munch was going to get under my skin. so i kept answering what i could, and it started bothering him when i would beat him to the punch.

how petty am i? so much for not stooping to his level, eh?

grrrr... but he makes me so mad.

the worst part is that i had a dream with him in it last night. we were part of some secret snobby society, and he was trying to sabatoge my initiation ceramony. go friggin' figure. i am totally perplexed as to what i was doing trying to join anyway. i'm more bugged that he wormed his was into my subconscious.

maybe if i turn myself into a lizard woman in my dreams with him, i can scare him into being a more compassionate teacher, you know, like in "dreamscape"

i loved that movie...