walking on the dark side of the moon

tomorrow is my last day of class. i have to take a really hard final that i can't seem to get to studying for. my time in school is almost done. i have two more rotations to do (one of them is about a 45 minute drive each way) and then i am practically done. june is around the corner and things are the usual whirlwind.

i am moving for the third march in a row. girlfriend playfully chided me for not having house warming parties as the reason for the constant moving. she just wants to come over now that i'm within walking distance and drink with me.

the two extra rooms will be nice - the boys are starting to need their own space. i want to get some that "caution" tape and wrap daniel's bedroom door.

lotus and my mother have helped out quite a bit with the cleaning - i am grateful for friends that understand that coffee is a necessity for some of us.

i can't wait to be done with this move so that i might not have to deal with my mother so much. i love her very much, but she is fraying every. last. one. of my nerves. our last conversation left me in tears (and drinking), and the last time we were together, she went on and on and ON about psych-k and brain gym, and reverse speech (i'll spare you the links, you're welcome) and something about the evil nazis, the ass, and the asshole. OMG, i almost burst out laughing. talk about testing my zen. i honestly thought i was being punk'd when she was describing IN FULL DETAIL why she doesn't need coffee anymore (as i chugged the last precious drips of my starbucks) because of this metaphysical therapy she's been practicing. as she deeply sucks down her cigarette.. no, i didn't say anything. why bother? she has a very logical-sounding reason for that habit too, i'm sure...

there's a partially eaten tortills on my computer table, granola crumbs in my change bowl, a glass of half-drunk milk on my dresser, and i'm not twitching. damn i'm good...

if anyone can't reach me on my cell phone for a couple days, it's probably because i tripped a circuit and had to clock out for some of the weekend...

now playing: "waiting for my roca" by sublime

over the river and through the woods

last night i came home from a long weekend in the mountains with grandma. i was hoping that the weekend was going to be light and fun - full of goofing off and some chores helping out grandma.

it turned out to be a bit more hectic than anticipated. to sum up my weekend:

• i now know where the county jail is thanks to my uncle. i was waiting in the lobby while grams was visiting with him. i didn't have the car keys, so i couldn't hang out in the car. i was bored, so i read this sheet that outlined the rules for visitation. among my favorites were "the visitor shall not perform sexual acts to him/her self or display one's body sexually during the visitation."
• we (accidently) took the long way home from the airport (my bad, i was driving.) and ended eating at a mex restaraunt. the food was not that great, but the time out was very nice. as soon as we got back on the right road, grandma said, "we knew exactly where we were going. we just wanted to take the scenic route home. we were curious about the afternoon traffic in folsom. yeah, it's pretty bad." i couldn't stop giggling.
• you know you're in the mountains when you're having a conversation with a 20 something yr old guy who's missing a front tooth about what constitutes as actual incest and what's just "creepy". apparently 2nd cousins hooking up is creepy and not really incest, as well as a woman who has 3 kids from 3 dads, and they are brothers, ie, his sister. we bantered about what those kids would call each other. "this is my brother who is also my cousin." i asked about uncles and nieces and was given a raised eyebrow. i'm still not sure what he meant by that...
• i almost finished cutting out the spaces for some vents in the workshop. i don't think i'll ever understand battery operated heavy duty tools. manufacturers shouldn't even bother building them. screwdrivers, yes, but a battery powered jig saw or circular saw is ridiculous. the battery just can't hold enough juice to complete a decent sized job. you end up haviong to recharge the damn thing in the middle of the job, which can be annoying, or have like 3 batteries on reserve, charged and ready to go.
• i love cooking for grandma - she rarely gets cooked for. my new nickname was "the slave". the fridge got a good cleaning - grams forbade me to clean anything else and she promised to "stop fussing" over me so much.
• we went to a nearby winery and drank wine with a picnic lunch of bread, basil, cheese and ham. it was very nice. hank the dog sat next to me with his head in my lap.
• i didn't get to take as many pics as i wanted. i'll post what i can on my flickr acct later..
• i was able to see and old friend, joe, who lives about a 90 min drive from grams. his new girlfriend doesn't seem very pleasant. at all. and lisa is... well, lisa i guess. we missed each other, but at least i was able to see their son. he seems to be doing ok for a 13 yr old who lost a brother so young.

i spied:

• the BEST smoothies ever! grams makes 'em so good.
• mistletoe EVERYWHERE!
• two sets of the bluest eyes i think i've ever seen. the woman's were so sharp it was oddly unnerving. they were almost cat-like. when she talked to me i couldn't help but wonder if her parents had participated in some sort of genetic experimental thingy, like in "firestarter".. i'm sure they weren't contacts. i've just never seen such blue eyes.

the opposing thumb

earlier this morning i was finely chopping onions for a new meatloaf recipe (that rocks, btw).. the onions i bought were not individually selected - they came in a bag (it was cheaper) and so i didn't get to choose exactly what i bought. which left me with onions that are super... well, onioney.. the juices were making me tear profusely, and i cut deeply into my thumb...

my thumb bled for a bit, and eventually stopped. i can't believe how handicapped i have been for the rest of this afternoon..

things that are hard to do when your thumb is out of commission:

• play tetris. rey pointed this out to me when he was trying to convince me to go to urgent care... (i had neither time nor money (my 5 k deductible is a joke...)) i still think i could kick his ass sans BOTH thumbs... tetris MASTER is one of my few boasts...
• pick things up with my left hand. yeah. it hurts.
• wash your hair (or anybody else's for that matter) . the hair gets kinda caught in the cut. it feels weird.
• chop onions.. of course...

stoopidest thing i've heard today (so far):

i'm at the kids' school for pickups. school had already gotten out and i was running late (thank you mr. ass munch director for intentionally keeping us late..). i'm pulling into the school parking lot, and pass 2 teachers talking about their cars. i overhear the woman say, (you ready??)

"well, mines' is just like that, but a little darker... it's more blue..."

wow. i ain't hip to words like, "mines'". yeah. mine-ses..

i need to find out her name so that she don't get nones' of my kids' and teach thems bad grammar..

i know my writing is spewing spelling errors, grammatical mistakes, but i really think elementary teachers should be able to speak proper english.. i also think teachers (or parents for that matter) shouldn't use any sort of profanity (as my 7th grader's teachers do..) around kids.

sigh... maybe i'm just old fashioned...

now playing:

"hang me out to dry" artist: cold war kids album: Robbers & Cowards

man, i feel like a woman...

i had an interesting conversation with a friend of mine yesterday. anne and i sat on the porch and talked about men and the way they perceive women. it kinda boiled down to the fact that everyone sees everyone else differently. of course, you can get into stereotypes and etc., but in the end, it's all about the connection shared between two people...

one of the things i realized is that one really should sit down and think about what they want in their (prospective) partner...

what do i think makes a good man?
does he adore my kids? make me laugh? pay my bills? interested in what i have to say? eat my food even when it's "healthy"? go to the batting cages with me? romance me? pick me up starbucks on the way home?

what do i want my man to think of me as a woman?
does he not care if i dye my hair? wear jeans everyday? not show cleavage? not fix my hair? what about the fact that i'm overweight? that my body is covered in stretch marks? that i snort when i laugh?

what makes a good woman?

is she pretty? does she take time to be pretty? what about women who take "excessive" amounts of time? and women who take none?

i (pathetically) teeter on the low end of this particular spectrum... i don't lotion my legs or hands unless the skin is scaling and crisp. i wax my lip when the hairs are overgrown... i sometimes forget to shave one of my legs.. my makeup and nail polish are all approaching the decade mark (if not already there).

and despite all of this, i have thought that it was ok, because i've always thought that being a tomboy was ok. my mother would only get dolled up for the evil stepfather (childhood!!! i'm tellin' you...) at his persistence. my sis was obsessed with being pretty as we were growing up. i remember being morbidly fascinated with the progressively thinning eyebrows during high school... once i tried to convince her to just pluck them completely - i just couldn't bear the anticipation of their total obliteration...

i think the accumulative experiences i had with women and the unprettiness of trying to be pretty repulsed me so that i didn't want to be part of that at all...

and in a lot ways, i still don't...

a classmate (guy) told me yesterday that i am "way too high maintenance.." i thought it was funny because i've always thought that i am really low maintenance; i don't care about birthday/anniversary/x-mas gifts, i'm not picky when it comes to what to eat, what to do, what to watch (ok, here i have to say, i'm rather reluctant about horror because they can freak me out...), i've always carried my own when it comes to responsibilities, i rarely ask for help with the groceries.

i can only be what is in my heart to be, and expect my (MALE) partner to want to be that for me...

now get back to work...

now playing:
"my star". by madder rose. album is tragicmagic

i'm off to see the wizard!

i finally took some time out last night to call my grandma and i am going to be going up to see her next weekend in placerville. i might have come company, and not sure yet if i'll fly or drive up there. i have mondays off from school for the next 3 weeks, and i really need to get up to see grams. she needs some work done on her house, and i really miss my grandparents' house. i'm afraid to see what my uncle has done to grandpa's workshop... i'm going up not the weekend that's coming, but the one following it...

i'd like to take a moment now to mention that the english language is so friggin' confusing sometimes. when i think of "next weekend", i think of the one that is "next in line", which technically would be THIS coming weekend, right? wrong...

a couple more of my favorites:

"going for the jugular"... this one doesn't make sense to me at all because the jugular veins are bringing used blood from the head back to the heart for circulation to the lungs for gas exchange.. if i were a (smart) lion, and i was trying to ace a gazelle, i would go for that poor sucker's carotid artery, the jugular's complimentary vessel. it is full of oxygen-rich blood and will be full and jutting out of his neck because he's been on the run from me and his blood pressure's through the roof... the artery's high pressures will cause the blood to spout a lot faster, bringing about death much quicker...

another one of my favorites is when people say, "i can feel... (insert intense emotion here) ... coursing through my veins." which is pointless because your systemic circulation (ARTERIES) carries your hormones, and neurotransmitters that your body has most of it's responses to. the veins are the vessels for used blood return!

i brought this up with a person in the medical field, and he came up with (what i thought was) a weak argument about how the veins are what you can easily see on your body...

and??

i think maybe he was just trying to play devil's advocate...

things don't come "from left field", they should come from right field, where most balls are NOT sent to. when you think about it, a lot of stuff actually "comes from left field"...

like 90% of the contents in my blog...

yeah, i hear you...

in my ARTERIES!!!

RUMPELSTILTSKIN!!!

i have 3.5 weeks of classes left, and then i am done with the classes for good. i am enjoying my last class, Neonatal Respiratory Care.

today we watched a video of several women giving birth, and the respiratory care a newborn receives depending on the circumstances of the birth. so we watched several clips. one was a normal delivery, another was where a baby had passed it's meconium during labor, and another was of a premature birth where the baby had to be resuscitated.

the normal birth clip was funny, because you see everything, and i do mean EVERYTHING, as the baby is born. and then, right after the baby comes out, the mother's vagina is blurred out as the doctor suctions the baby and cleans it up.

it was like, wha?

i said, "hey, that's pretty funny that we get to see a baby's head hanging out of a vagina, and the baby coming through the vagina, but god forbid we be exposed to the visual shock of woman's vagina by itself. good thing they blurred that out..."

mr. clinical-director who loves to bicker with me said, "of course YOU would notice that!"

this was an add-on to a joke that's been going on for a couple of weeks; that i am gay.

i'm really not bothered by it, i can take a hit (i think) sometimes. why just this morning when i came to class a little late, my teacher said, "wow! you're wearing make-up again?!?"

i said, "yeah, i've met someone... she's really nice..."

"madonna", one of my classmates that i sit next to, was laughing pretty hard. i love cracking him up. he said during the videos, "i can't believe you did that FOUR times!"

i said, "well, it took me a while to figure out what the hell was causing the pregnancies!"

so bad... there is nothing like a friend you can get nasty with...

take lotus for example. i called her today after school as i was driving to pick up veggies, and somehow the conversation turned into a rather hilarious discussion about sex...

in other news, i arrived early at the pick-up for the weekly organic veggies place, so i decided to go for a hike on the trail that goes through a canyon in clairemont, marian bear park. i had a very nice walk, and i'm hoping that i can get enough stuff done tonight so that i can sneak off there tomorrow morning after i get up (5 am) and bring my camera. maybe get some pics of the sunrise.

my joeys are happy, and i am glad that on wednesdays i have an extra kid (d2's friend from school) through dinner. tomorrow i have a dinner planned with my sis and her three monkeys, so it's going to be a madhouse of 8 kids from 1 to 12. i can't wait!! and the bestest part: it's at her house!! YAY!!

things that make me go "hmmmm...":

• auntie mayo (that's my sis) coming over this morning for coffee before work (a couple blocks from my house). it was so nice to see her. it was interesting to see that she probably has as many hangups about me as big sister as i have about her being little sister, and yet i know we love each other very much. she did my lipstick and chided me for smearing the lipliner too much...
• andre's mom (he's the 9 yr old i take on wed's) telling me about how she loved having my boys over last week. d1 asked her if there was anything he could do to help around the house, and she said she made him ask her 3 times because she "couldn't believe one of the boys were offering to help." we had a good laugh over the laziness of little boys.
• teriyaki sauce i made that was accused (yep, i said "accused"...) of tasting a lot like adobo. the nerve of some people, i swear...
• sometimes the most prudent choice is not necessarily the best choice...
• the way things change between people as the the things around them change. as newton said, "For every action there is an equal but opposite reaction." interesting how physics can also be applied to relationships. with the intensity of love comes fear and sadness. but then again, 23 is just another number... (that movie was riddled with plot holes, btw...)

ahh. one of my favorite blogs occasionally ends his post with a "what's playing..."

what's playing: "Don't Worry, Be Happy", by what's his face, bobby mc-something.. mcknight? mcferrral?

oh dear...

put that shit back on the shelf...

zen master mulysa, that is i...

who loves the cute little dots that follow the end of a sentence...

it implies that possibly there is more to be said than what has actually just been said...

ZEN: i am grateful for the friggin' ONLY toilet that i have in this house of 5+ people that is eternally damned to get clogged with EVERY OTHER trip to the bathroom.

once upon a time i would use this neat trick i came up with; which is to let the toilet fill up with as much water as it could possibly hold without overfilling, and (eventually) the weight of the tank filled with water would cause the toilet to clear, relieving moi of the extremely nasty task of actually plunging the toilet.

the only drawback to this method is that it tends to take some time. which isn't a problem when the quartet is at the ex-husband's house for a period of 2 or 5 days...

dot dot dot

or when there is another toilet in the house that everyone else can use instead...

dot dot dot

basically my damn toilet has flooded about 15 times in the past year. all because i have refused to use the plunger...

i have been embracing this opportunity to overcome my repulsion to use the plunger. some might ask: why? what's the big deal? wtf?

i have been known (by many, believe it) to clean up a lot of shit. there's actually a rather amusing story about this time i was in clinicals last august...

segue.

so i had an elderly man as a patient and i was supposed to give him his respiratory meds (albuterol mdi via trach.) and suction him. i come into his room and he is sitting in his chair and slumped over a portable table. i have to move him into his bed and as i proceed to do so, it seems he has crapped himself. my classmates and i called the nurses and waited for all of 45 minutes before i said, "crap on a crouton, gimme some wipes..."

and now i am affectionately known to some at school as "the ass wiper"...

i guess that's better than my other new nickname, "thunder pussy", which i have been knighted with by the ever annoying little girl whose ass i really wanna kick, if not for the fact that i am a growned ass mature woman.

yeah right, she is so goin' down...

anyhooters, the problem i have with caca is not cleaning it - no problemo. it's when i am in a predicament where i find myself having to break it up or squish it with something. my plunger is one of those accordion types and when "stuff" get sucked into it, i get so grossed out, i start gagging. the whole process makes me light-headed and nauseous...

back to zen. i am (i think i hope) finally overcoming this fear of having to plunge the toilet and am sending out a big "thank you!" to my toilet for forcing me to face my fear...

i've spied:

• myself in the car hollering, "MMMEEEEEEELLIIiiiIIIISSSaaaAAAAaaaAAAaaAA!!!".
• humility. i can still be funny and yet not so blatant... right, right?
• the little bally things that are left in a sifter that you don't see when you're actually sifting the flour, but are all so apparent when all the good stuff has been filtered out...
• cat roadkill this morn' spied by 12 yr old, D1. i made him laugh by getting really excited about it.
• 3 new shelves stacked on my bookshelves in my room.
• a cookbook that's getting some good use.
• thyme. i love it. it really made the chicken & dumplings for dinner last nacht.
• alice going down the chute to wonderland on the ever-tiring, ever-frightening, ever-lasting search for her white rabbit. i hope she finds peace with the mad hatter and doesn't get lost in the flower garden...

over the rainbow

it's 1:40 am and i just drove home in the rain.

the biggest high of the day was being able to say what i had to say and not be so terrified of having to say it.

and the sound of the rain as it pounds the sides of my house makes me feel invincible.

i almost stopped at Denny's on the way home for a cup of coffee, but instead took comfort in the knowledge that 7-11 and Denny's are always open - i can go another time.. any other time, in fact.

i haven't smoked since early january and i remember crying shortly after my last cigarette, because i knew it was my last for quite some time, if not forever, and there was some symbolism entwined with that final act that was heartbreaking.

i don't think i'm really all that cryptic... you just have to know me really well...

and there are only 1.5 classes left and i feel certain social tensions possibly coming to a head.

taking the dogs out for a playdate was really nice - the adoptee (for about a week) is adorable and a wonderful (temporary) addition to the family. i've taken to calling him "fizzgig" and it fits perfectly...

and when life is simple, i am happy.

you drive a HARD bargain there, mister!!

i've had a lot to think about lately. i don't want to bargain..

i wonder sometimes about those who think i'm too giving to others, but oh so delighted to pluck apples from my tree.

that wasn't meant to sound sexual, but it did, huh?

i remember ronin making a comment about how everything is relative. and i see how my ideas of happiness are different from the ideas of others. and that is ok.

once upon a time i wanted a man in my life who would love my children and want to be a part of my family. and while i realize that that would be hard to find, i'd like to think that i'm not below that standard.

can't i want the world? can't i say that i deserve it?

should i have to beg and plead, cry for it, reason for it, and spend my days aching for that little bit of budge? scheming for a way to entice the heart of a man who will not serve his devotion on a silver platter?

hmm... with a little gravy on top. parsley on the side... (which, by the way, i hear was served with dinners to freshen breath after dinner...)

good grief, charlie brown... i'm starting to read a bit like another "creepy" blog some of us know...

put me down if i start reading like that ALL the time...

make it short and sweet, please...

HEY! YOU! Get Into My Car!!!

I might have posted this before, and if i am being repetitious, forgive me. i was reminded of a thoughtful thing my stepdad said to me a while ago, and it went kinda like this:

"we spend our entire adult life recovering from our childhood..."

.

maybe he quoted it from somewhere - i don't know. i like the fact that it has stayed with me. sometimes i read things or hear things from others that are so... hallmark-ish... it's gooey-annoying.

.

i think often about the things that have happened in my life that put me where i am. i am very scared because in many ways i am alone and it's both terrifying and exciting. for a time there i was insisting to myself that a big part of my happiness includes that special someone that thinks and feels and believes and supports me.

.

i am giddy with relief that this is not necessarily so. (who would've known?!?)

.

i'm not going to bother with the "lows" because things are about as jacked as they are going get...

.

HIGHS!!!

• teaching D1 (at the gas station tonight) how to look at the tire to determine the max psi for the tire. then he helped me fill the tires, read the pressure gauge, and recap them.
• the maniacal laughter bursting from my living room as i type this while the kids watch "nacho libre".
• D4 (5yrs) is about to lose her first tooth. she is adorable. she is incredibly brave to let me touch the loose tooth, since i've got a bit of bad reputation around here for popping, pulling, yanking and wiggling out loose teeth... (hee hee)
• going to my sister's for dinner. the "yuke-ster" (baby Yuki (1 yr) nicknamed by the other kids...) is an absolute terror. of course all of this is disguised by her precious smile, intoxicating baby smell, and melodious garble talk.
• coffee breaks at cheers.. lotus is looking hotter than ever. i have to say, she is definitely a carla.. i'm sure a group poll would be unanimous... my sympathies are with shogun for being subjected to some of our raunchier discussions... maybe i should get him a pair of ear plugs for "coffee time"..
• being dreamt of...
• totally unreserved, hopelessly annoying laughter. it's the highest high to hear it, the highest high to laugh it.
• beer-thirty at 11 am in peter piper's. i protested to alice buying a pitcher of beer at 11 am on a saturday. her witty response was, "oh girl. i'm sure it's 5 pm somewhere on the planet..." good enough for me...
• cake eating contest between three adults about an hour later...

i've spied:

• gum on a windowsill
• skunk roadkill
• veggie lasagna that was a hit
• body wash that scented the entire house
• chapped lips a plenty
• a table of artwork toppling over from the wind
• a cursed football team
• a misplaced hairball
• deep fried meatballs
• more grays than ever as i grin and bear a pinkie promise with lotus to not color my hair
• a refrigerated bed
• dog gas that could kill a large elephant

career choice of the day:

a professional air hockey player. i have the whole screaming thing down, as well as yelping when i am taken by surprise (which happens all too often). i'd also like to be a foosball player. i bite at pool, but am willing to trade places with the black widow, as long as i get to keep my kids and sense of humor. i think i'm funny and i guess that's all that matters.

bummer of bummers

so today my program director, who i often think is directing us into a tar pit, makes a little announcement today:

"you guys are not going to your next clinical rotations until april, not march. i have decided that you need more time for mechanical vents II and neonates classes..."

what does this mean you ask??

it freaking means i'm gonna be in freakin' school for almost ANOTHER freakin' month before i get out!!

(insert cursing here)

(and here)

the worst part about this was that everyone was in a bit of shock, and he says in this smirking sort of way, "wow. that really shut you guys up, huh?" (chuckle)

i was so wanting to just up and out.

one of the things i hate about this guy is that he knows that we as students don't have a lot of knowledge or practice in resp. care, so he gets a rise out of asking questions that he thinks we can't answer, or need more time to answer.

he'll say, "give me the formula for calculating a desired PaCO2, and tell me what our tidal volume and resp. rate should be for a patient with a tidal volume of 550mL and PaCO2 of 50mmHg, when we want a PaCO2 of 30mmHg (head injury)"...

everyone starts mumbling or writing and he gets this stoopid smile as he watches us and whoever bothers to answer before he answers it himself (and then chides us for not knowing it) he ridicules in front of everyone when they get it wrong, which they will, because there is never enough time to thoroughly think out the question.

that happened to me twice today, and i was gonna be damned if that ass-munch was going to get under my skin. so i kept answering what i could, and it started bothering him when i would beat him to the punch.

how petty am i? so much for not stooping to his level, eh?

grrrr... but he makes me so mad.

the worst part is that i had a dream with him in it last night. we were part of some secret snobby society, and he was trying to sabatoge my initiation ceramony. go friggin' figure. i am totally perplexed as to what i was doing trying to join anyway. i'm more bugged that he wormed his was into my subconscious.

maybe if i turn myself into a lizard woman in my dreams with him, i can scare him into being a more compassionate teacher, you know, like in "dreamscape"

i loved that movie...

i'm... too sexy for my self...

i had an apt this morning with a trainer at my gym. she is very nice with a bit of a drawl and said that i can come in anytime and get my (fat) measurements... so i said fine and after my workout, we met in an office at 7 am. she takes my weight at first and was very surprised that the scale said 168 lbs. yep. there... i said.. 168. with my shoes, socks, undies, shorts, boulder gear and t-shirt i am a whopping 168.

"would you write a different number if i told you that at home it's 163??" i pleaded. nope. 168. she wouldn't even compromise and put 165, which i think is TOTALLY fair, btw..

the funny thing about this is that 3 people in the past month have told me that i don't LOOK 168..

great, i look thinner than i actually am... i guess i should be excited, but for some reason, i'm not.

the cool thing is that my fat-ness is at 33% of my body, which means that i am only 2% into the "unhealthy" zone. julie the trainer says that 2% should be easy to lose. which is why earlier this year i was at the exact same weight, with the same body fat ratio.

with smoking (hopefully) kicked, i think i am ready to move forward and start going to the cycling (i prefer to call them psychoing) sessions. 60 min of crazy people madly pedaling themselves to nowhere. in a group to lose 700 calories.

it's on!

the blue skies

it's been a peculiar week..

i missed class on monday and had a 6 hr talk with the X.. we opened up about a lot of things we have been hesitant to share in the past, and it was nice to communicate with him. while i still think that i made the best decision for myself, there was a part of me that missed being able to talk openly with him. i hope this lasts - sometimes i still want to hog-tie him and ship him off to china...

i have about 6 months of school left and i can't wait to get out of the "drama club"... my school is like a friggin' soap opera with all the teachers screwing the students, and the students screwing the students, and cheating and fights over non assigned seating stealing. ugh, this weekend i'm going to go to home depot and buy some earplugs. we are without a teacher so often and it drives me buggy to have to listen to everyone talking LOUDLY and i can't hear myself think.

i have been smoke free for over 3 weeks now, (except for monday with mr. X- i had 4 that day...) and it has been tough on my gravitational pull towards the earth. i am going back to the gym fairly regularly and it is nice. i pulled a neck muscle, over-worked my forearms to the point that i couldn't extend my arms for about 4 days, and somehow pinched a nerve for a little bit in my hip area. it is a wonderful reminder of how i am getting old(er) and need to train my body so that i can chase my grandchildren one of these days...

i was wondering the other day -

why do people tilt their heads to their right when they kiss? is it because most people are right-handed? do left handed people feel awkward when they kiss "to the right"? perhaps it has something to do with our environment being mostly right-handed, i.e. driving on the right side of the road, putting our names on the top right corner of our papers, signing in the bottom right corner of our checks... huh. if that's true, does it imply that people in england kiss to the left?

i am longing for my ipod, but am resolved to wait until i am working and "rolling in the dough" before i purchase another one. this time i think i will opt for the black one, because my last white one was looking a wee bit dirty. in the mean time, i am enjoying burning music and importing it into my itunes library. my old cds that are originals i have been donating to the public library, and it is a nice feeling to be able to give, at no cost to myself other than a bit of my time.

i was hoping to go to magic mountain tomorrow with a friend, but it was cancelled because he developed a mean case of diarrhea (just kidding). plans have been postponed to january, i hope it isn't raining.

i visited with a friend whom i have not seen for some time. she looks good and i was the lucky recipient of an amazing massage.

the baby goats are doing well, and #4 has her first loose tooth. it's only a little wiggly and probably won't come out for months... and yet she still refuses to let me pull it out with some pliers. hee, hee.. me and they brood joked about the time #2 had a really loose tooth. we were at k-mart and he went on and on about how it was bothering him - the jagged edges of the root of the tooth were poking his gums. it was way overdue of a good yank. daniel wouldn't let me touch it, so i instructed him to wiggle it himself so he could see how ready to come out this tooth was. when he got a grip on it, i tapped his elbow and he popped his tooth out on his own. he was soooo happy for all of one second until he realized i made it come out, then he yelled, "mom!!"

sigh, i would shrink him down to three again if i could.

ignoramouses

sometimes i wish i were a guy so i could be this dumb and get away with it...

my new weight loss incentive

found a new reason to start dieting IMMEDIATELY...

spare change?

i love this coin... gramps melted a bunch of misc. gold he had accumulated and made this coin.



his initials "RAB" are under the profile that has this subtle smile, and the year he made it, 1984, is imprinted on the back.

it is very heavy, about the size of a dollar coin, but maybe 3x as thick as a quarter

some dusty things

i was really missing my grandpa tonight and decided to go through a couple of his things that i brought home with me from my visit to sacramento in sept. it's kinda neat when i find myself thinking of something someone has said to me right when i need to remember it.

one of the things that were in the little treasures i brought home was some sort of savings bond or other gov't note. i decided to scan it. the paper has a nice weight to it, and it seems authentic. wouldn't it be neat if i could find the descendants (i don't think it belongs to my family line - just a feeling) and pass it along?

what would you do if someone gave you a $1000, 166 yr-old matured note? from your great-great-great-great granddad?


i'd buy some chickens!

dork-a-licious it is, obi-wan...

i'm thinking that this post might actually belong in a couple other blogs i know..., and then again it might just be that i am a bit of a dork deeeep down inside...

i am in the process of converting my itunes library into MP3 format, so that i can squash a bunch of albums onto one cd, and therefore have a lot more storage space for my music.

when i first got my ipod, a good friend of mine was kind enough to talk/walk me through the computer process of an ipod, and there was a lot of stressing on my part because i am terrified of computers. they always seem to have something wrong with them and in some sort of process of breaking down.

for some reason (mikshir, would you like to chime in??), everything was imported into my itunes as mpeg4 which is not as user friendly as mp3 format. now that i realize that mp3 is "better" and makes more sense, i now have to convert a lot of the files so that i can compile them better. and so here's the thing i have discovered (maybe mikshir already knows...) that i HATE about itunes:

• if you have imported anything purchased from itunes in as mpeg4, you are now screwed (unless you know someone that can rectify this, hint, hint.). i tried to convert the mpeg4 files into mp3 format, and itunes won't let me do this because "the files are protected". this sucks, because i was going to put all my jack johnson albums into one folder and burn it, but i can't now.

and in the weirdest way, i feel cheated. i feel tricked. i feel like a knucklehead who should've known better. sigh. what is in store for me and itunes? if this romance going to last? is there hope for some sort of reconciliation? i think that on some level, i will, in time, be able to forgive itunes for this, but i still feel that it's a little unfair. is it not enough that they have my money, my time spent organizing, uploading, and listening to my beloved music and audiobooks in their pricey fomat? am i going to have to freaking repurchase my music so that i can burn in mp3?? who put the bop in the bop shoo bop?!?

This ass-wiping is taking TOO LONG!!!

aaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh........

my third rotation is officially over. nights suck, but the pay kicks ass, and i find it odd that i went on to last night's shift with four hrs sleep, and i'm super wide awake. (one cup of magically delicious coffee) i have a feeling i just might pass out in lotus' car later. (we're supposed to go to this buddhist cult camp later this morning..) hopefully she will park her car in the garage so i won't cook in the daytime sun...

SURVEY SAYS!!:

trauma is drama. tonight i saw a young (model-catalog looking) couple sitting together on a gurney in one of the open aisles in the ER. he's sandy blonde wearing a white 70's tux/john travolta suit with big blue lapels. she's brunette wearing a matching white dress, the hem of the dress so short, when she sat on the gurney, the dress hitched up so high i could see her panty line between the slit. oh yeah, and her tits were about to fall out the middle of shirt. they are both crying pathetically.

HIM: "but there were like 10 police cars and like 10 ambulances there and no one could get you to wake up. and how was i supposed to feel then? what was i supposed to do then?"

HER: whimpering sounds. wipes her eyes.

HIM: "let's get going..."

they get up and head out, and word was that she drank too much and passed out cold. they looked so silly walking down the hallway to leave with those ridiculous matching outfits on, hope it was worth the 1k ambulance "cab ride" to the hospital...

i have a fast growing (as in to the expotential power) list of people who are NOT allowed to stick, poke, prod, suction, or install anything in me. which pretty much means i'm gonna have to go to the other side of the world for health care...

a 500 lb (don't leave out the 7 ounces) woman who should've had gastric bypass surgery a long long long time ago. omg the stench of the underside of her belly was nauseauting as i lifted this giant mass with both hands and then had to hold the flap up with one arm, and then PULL up ANOTHER mass with my other hand, and THEN DO THIS AGAIN just to expose the underside of her belly so it could be cleaned. she had skin ulcers and lesions everywhere. it took five of us to roll her back and forth on her bed so that we could clean her fecal matter up and change her sheets.

and one of the toppers: SHOGUN - DO NOT READ!!!

a woman whose motor cycle fell on her left leg (common incident, btw..). she was pinned and tried to pull her leg out from under the bike. she ended up dislocating her left foot AND ripping open her flesh, about 4 inches. when we came into the room to sedate her, the leg bone was NOT connected to the ankle bone, but rather jutting out through this gash. after about 15 min in the room assisting, i thought, "fucking a... it is gonna suck big, hairy elephantitis balls if i pass out in this itty-bitty room because i sure as fuck am feeling a little queasy.." at that moment one doc held her shin in place and bent her knee while the other pulled hard on her foot to realign the bones and set that puppy back in place. when the reconnection made this curious, vacuum-like, squishy sound, i knew it was over for me.

i very quietly excused myself from the room, turned left twice, went into a bathroom, locked the door, and almost passed out. sit down. felt better. ok, now worse... my, that floor looks like it really wants me to take a little nap on it. but wow, the toilet is seductively beckoning me to hurl everything in my stomach into it. the very contemplation of whether to lay on the floor and pass out, or ralph in the toilet gave me just enough distraction to get a little blood flowing, and i felt immediately better. nothin like a little shock to wake one up at two forty-five am. i actually felt a little invigorated when the blood started circulating through my head again. when i looked in the mirror, i was horrified - i was a sickly yellowish grey color.. blech.

ummm, i think i saw about ten to fifteen packages of "pork & beans" than i'd rather not have..

one baby c-sectioned. got a little light headed when the docs just aggressively cut away at mom to extract baby.

i was assisting in a retaping of an intubation tube.. the patient was totally out, but still had some reflexes. the RT who i was assisting is kind of an idiot, but he knows his RT shit. anyway, as i was retaping, the patient's hand went up in the air and towards his mouth. the RT says to the patient, "it's ok, man. she doesn't need your help. thanks anyway." i was caught off guard and had to stiffle my laugh for the rest of the taping. that was at about four am this morning, i get a little giggly when i'm tired.

and believe it or not, there are some dull moments...

grumble grumble

things that bother me at 4.20 am:

• drivers that use thier left turn signal to change lanes to the right.
• oh, and sore feet and lower back because i'm still not used to sitting in crappy chairs all night
• getting the munchies at 2 am.
• having to talk to other people who have morning breath.
• getting lost in thought on monotonous drive home and snap out of it not knowing what time of day it is, nor where i'm headed.

ah yes, and the all time fav:

• getting off 2 hrs early, getting home to find al the good spots on the street taken, and then having a spot open up right in front of my house as i walk inside.