wisdom in twilight

note to self: drinking 2 vietnamese iced coffees at 6 pm is not a good idea if one is planning on sleeping later on that night.

there are some people out there one simply cannot help. all we can do is be their cheerleaders, and hope that they pull out of it on their own.

i have a (possibly unnatural) fear of my kids and water. sometimes i think it is with good reason, other times i think i'm just an over reactive mama.

i had to call my neighbor who lives 2 doors down from me to get his address so i could mail him a postcard... his answering machine message was in haiku; i laughed so hard, he finally picked up the phone as i snorted into the recording saying, "glad i could make you laugh today... want a copy?" daniel said, "mom, can't we just go there and drop it off?" totu said, "why can't you just go there and get the address from the house instead of calling?"

addictions are waaay harder to let go of than one thinks. and i'm not just talkin' 'bout smoking...

the closest entry i could find in last year's skinned mole was:

Mon. 08-15-05
on better track - got things done. pocket calendar proving to be incredibly useful. slept like all day. took kids to dentist. x4 having health ins. care is so nice.

then i didn't write for another month. man my shit can be really boring sometimes, but i'm glad i wrote it. it's kinda neat to look at the path behind me, twisting and winding and at times narrow wide straight and long.

besides, what better time to be productive? it's being the only one up in the middle of the night.. a big juicy secret. and everyone's sleeping except for the guy at the 7-11 who knows all the answers to everything unimportant.

now i never really got the whole "ungodly hour" thing. dictionary dot com says:

ungodly: outrageous; shocking; dreadful; insufferable: an ungodly roar; an ungodly hour to drop in.

now, i have to disagree with this definition. 4 am happens to be (i think) one of the most peaceful hours of the day. even the friggin' crickets are sleeping. right now it's 6 oh 2 am and the morning light is just beginning to seep into my room, and i can start to see the sweet little boy snoozing in my bed. he's drooling on my pillow and i don't mind one bit.

if anyone ever wants to come by at around 5 am and watch twilight come and pass over a cup of coffee, i would love the company. some mornings you won't be able to wake me; others, you'll show up and find me already outside.

huh... i guess that makes me predictably unpredictable...

"perhaps later on"s and the human factor

perhaps later on we will have what we want
and happiness shall come a knockin'.

and never mind to investing one's time and heart
for into your lap it will fall. Plop!

hey! looky here!
i gots me everything i ever hoped for, and for FREE!
it was on sale last season, but i passed it up 'cuz i can't afford THAT!
i waited patiently and it rolled on my way all by itself.
post clearance rack!

perhaps later on things will be easier
perhaps they come together so smooth.

and oh joy to the grooves when life just gives.

why am i the only idiot that can't understand this?



were it so easy to crunch numbers and go.
patients are PEOPLE, dontcha know?
kindness and caring they scream and shout.
one must be gentle, without a doubt

so why is it that there is so much complaining
about oral cavities in dire need of maintaining

this is the part where i'd like to say
that my teacher is kind in every way

he's smart and funny, that's for sure
for his scowl and glare there is no cure

jinx! knock on wood!

today while i was driving home i saw a 40-50 yr old man in a "wife-beater" riding a bike one-handed in the emergency lane, going againt traffic, with a cigarette in his mouth and a gas can in his left hand.

i have a new very friendly 84 yr old neighbor, "kenny", who has been married 5 times (two divorces, 2 deaths, 1 current) and blatantly flirts with me. thank goodness for friends who "drop in" all the way from LA...

read canine's post about brazilian waxes, and i have to say, that sounds a lot like my first wax... the other estheticians said they could hear "kind of like a guy screaming" from my room. (i can't scream like a girl - it's more like a holler) i remember calling lotus and saying something like, "that bitch ripped some of my pussy off!!" hhhmmmm... it's about time i got another one done.. can't see the forest through the trees...

clinicals have been temporarily postponed. don't get me started on the incompetence of my school...

a little concerned...

hey all.

i just came across a site that startled me... a 9 yr old girl who not only posted a picture of herself on the internet, she also gave out the city she lives in and what schools she goes to. i posted an anonymous comment telling her that she should at the least delete this information, but who knows, she might not do anything.

it also occured to me that it might be some sort of sting-op thingy, gov't forces trying to catch pervs, but regardless, i flagged her site.

i asked another blogger friend to also do this, and if anyone would like to flag her site, please email me and i'll send you her url site info... i don't want to post it here for obvious reasons.

thanks

it's my gig...

spent a chunk of the evening with raul. i call him that because he reminds me of raul julia. he is my two-doors-down-neighbor-also-good friend. we went to the store at 11 pm for tortillas, oj, eggs, cottage cheese and some fruit. it was nice not to have to push the cart or chase kids or pay for groceries for a change.

we later spent some time with another friend, "two buck chuck". i think the glasses are real crystal. they resonate longer than regular glass when i tinged them. (i think). the neighbor in between us hates our evening conversations, and on some level, i understand. however, if my neighbors were yapping all night about the oddest things and the girl snorted when she laughed, i'd either listen in or ask to join the conversation. he yelled at my dogs to shut up when they barked at a passerby the other day.

these past two weeks:

• i had a spider monkey climb into my lap and make herself totally comfortable. i wasn't so afraid of the monkey as i was of getting scratched or something and not being able to go to clinicals next week because i've developed some sort of monkey infection. yeah, i know i've got a little paranoia thingy goin on. it's always been there.
• i saw a box filled with about 40 lbs (that's 18.1436948 kilograms for you, totu!) of dead bees and their hives. yes i did say hives. it was pretty freaky.
• pics of a guy i know with a really bad staph infection. shivers...
• donated blood. it was neat. the shirt was cool, but the donut was stale. applejuice tasted like elementary school juice from those cardboard containers that have been adding cardboard flavor to the juice as it sat around and warmed to room temp.
• had shots updated and more blood drawn (school requirements)
• finished the (hopefully) hardest class of my schooling (at least in resp therapy). thanks all who called rearding the equation.
• dreamt about smoking at least twice that i can remember.
• vaccuumed my dog.
• hit 80 (sun god!) level on one of my all time favorite games, zuma in 39 minutes.
• shaved both the boys' heads. sir yes sir!
• had to buy socks for donovan in the men's section. it's always weird when i realize he's so... big. recently someone didn't believe he was my son or that he is almost 12. yeesh...

two plus two is four, two plus two is four, two plus two...

ok kids. i have GOT to know this formula by the next thursday. i hereby grant anyone who has my cell phone(s) #'s to call and ask me to recite it to them. if i get it wrong, you can request a song, and if i know it, i'll sing it. ronin - three wrongs and no singing and you can cash in your points for one cappoierra lesson. lotus - two wrongs and i'll make time for one hour's worth of make-up lessons from my sister. totu - five wrongs and i'll watch a scary movie cross-country with you (please, no "saw 2"...)

here goes:

CaO2 = (Hb x SaO2 x 1.34) + (PaO2 x 0.003)

CaO2 is the content of arterial oxygen normal value: >20%
Hb is hemoglobin, measured in g/dL. norm levels: women: 12-14 g/dL men: 14-16 g/dL
SaO2 is proportion of available Hb actually carrying O2. expressed in %. normal : >95%
1.34 is a constant for the amount of mL of O2 each gram of Hb can carry.

these three account for the amount of O2 in the RBC's (red blood cells).

PaO2 is partial pressure of O2 dissolved in t/plasma in t/arteries. normal: 80-100 torrs

0.003 represents the volume % (0.30) of O2 dissolved in t/plasma for an average PO2 of 100 torrs at 37* C.

these two account for the amount of O2 floating around in the plasma.

hey! it's thanksgiving!

things i am thankful for:

• two huge bags of the most adorable clothes left for me on my porch this weekend for leily. they are just the right size and she can't wait to put on a fashion show tomorrow. thank you very much canine it was very thoughtful of you. i have decided to return the favor by passing down to your husband donovan's outgrown clothes, hee hee. does bert wear a size 10 shoe?
• a bag of home grown squash left for me on my porch by my neighbor. they are beautiful.
• uncle john who drove all the way down from hemet just to put together my shed. d4 said she missed him last week, and so we called him, and then him and i got to talking - this sucks, that sucks, this is good, that is better... then he says, "girl, i'm comin' down next week to get that shed up!" and he did. and it looks great. a kind family man. wish my dad had had some of his values. definitely not his virginian accent. somethin' kinda odd 'bout hearin' a asian girl wit-a country accent, dontcha' think?
• my son said he is going to practice being calm and finding peace rather than hating his father. i know how incredibly hard that is for him. took me years.
• new music. it brightens my days (children's playlists), energizes me (kickass playlists), and releases my saddness (misery playlists). thank you all who have given me your music. newest most-played song is called "cherry blossom girl". sultry. sad. uplifting in a bittersweet way.
• my sister who has been watching my kids every wed. from 7.30 am to 2.15 pm. along with her three kids. she is so loving and sweet to them. it warms my heart to hear them say, "but mama! we just got here! we haven't even played yet!" when i arrive to pick them up.
• my mom who watches the kids every thurs, same hrs. much more strict than auntie mayo, but so far so good. she is determined to help me get through school , and i am forever grateful.
• good friend who truly believes in giving just to give. thank you lotus. big mama and her brood will make very good use of the computer.
• someone who let me help him organize his life a little. i hope he makes it to the goodwill before all that crap in the hallway makes its way back into his closets and drawers...

why i had children

in the past year since the beginning of my separation/divorce, i have been asked several times by a couple of people why i had children. in particular four. especially when i was in the midst of a disintegrating marriage.

why would i bring another after another after another child into this world when things were so obviously bad? how could i have done that? to myself? to my children?

it occured to me tonight that that question probably rings in everyone's mind, and i felt very troubled and very hurt. i've decided to make an attempt to explain myself to the best of my abilities, and perhaps answer this question to myself as well..

what was i thinking? why did i have children, and four at that??

i have spent some brain time on this, and it comes down to something rather simple:

i had no business having children in the first place.

with that in mind, i guess any explanation (that probably sounds a lot like pathetic excuses to most) doesn't really matter.

i was very young when i started having sex. at some point i met an older man (7 yrs). at the time, i thought he was the best thing i'd ever find. he drove me places, bought me cigarrettes, lunch, drew pictures (he was actually pretty good) for me.

i never thought much about being good at school. college, for what ever reason, seemed "not worth it"... not worth what, i have no clue, i just remember thinking it "would be too hard". i always wanted a baby. a family. i thought it might be nice to have that with this man.

sometimes we could really laugh, and i honestly thought he loved me very much. things were not really "that bad" when we dated, it wasn't until we had the first that i realized it was going to be rough.

i remember his sister being 7 months ahead of me during my first pregancy. i was so excited that i was now part of a growing family (his brother's wife was also 2 months behind me), dysfunctional though it was. mom-in-law fretted over my pregnancy where my mother asked who the father was and suggested i abort, knowing my views on abortion: if you don't think you'd keep the kid, don't fuck them. even during my times of unsafe sex with different partners, i knew that if i ever became pregnant, i'd keep the child - it was my responsibility, my choice to have had sex, my fault for being in that situation.

my x fell completely in love with D1. at eighteen, i thought life would only get better. sure, we were struggling financially... lived at mom-in-law's, had to do apartment managing to make ends meet. but isn't this what life is made of? livin' off the fat o' the land? finding happiness even though i had to shop thrift stores, apply for medical and WIC, and drive a piece of shit car?

i have to say, sometimes i think the very giggle of my son made me want to have SEVEN more. all at once, he was so precious.

nothing else really mattered. i just wanted to be happy. as a family. we wanted more kids. we both blamed a lot of our stress and fighting on finances, school/workload, and whatever external forces we could. i think too many people do that.

D2, D3, and D4 all arrived as my marriage went through numerous mountains and valleys. why didn't i leave sooner? well, for one, i never thought i'd make it one my own. and if i hadn't done the real estate that i did, i wouldn't have made it at all. my friend just found out that she's going to get 1K in child support monthly, and that's WITH her having the kids 66% of the time. she has no job, and no skills. sounds like me.

for two: i reallly hoped that things would work out between us. i had a hard time a) fathoming that he really got off on mind-fucking me, and b) that he actually did it consistently. i thought i had seroius mental problems (sometimes still do) and that most of our marital problems were based off of my shit.

does that make it ok that i had more kids? no.

i could go on about the would've could've should've of it all, but does it really matter? as it is, i can't sleep some nights thinking about bringing four little people into a world where mom is a nutjob, and dad is cruel and spiteful to anyone who crosses him. did i mention lazy too? him i mean...

i believe that i am in a place where i have a very small opportunity to "make it up" to my kids. i don't think there really is such a thing, but perhaps decrease the damage just a bit. it is all i have to offer.

i think that maybe i wanted to be a part of something big. something special. i remember feeling so gifted when i'd find out i was pregnant. maybe i could be part of raising a happy person who in turn could help others be happy too.

i sound like such a hippie...

and, you know? i feel so grateful for the people in my life who love me and my children unconditionally. i try to give that same love, or at least something close to it, because there isn't REALLY unconditional love, just things darn tootin' close. hard to find stuff, it is. gotta look hard.

and i hope (funny, was recently told i need to strike that word from my vocabulary) that some day i will find someone who think my kids are the shit, and he will think i am an amazing crazy-ass woman to have had four. he will not think about what on earth possessed me to make such a blunder in my life, and how that is going to hinder on our otherwise-perfect relationship, but rather how the hell can he secure a place for himself in it. (he's probably thinking of me RIGHT NOW in a mental hospital somewhere).

i understand that i'm probably never going to find someone who wants to be part of a family of 5. and if i do, he's gonna have to be a little nutty. whatever. i gotta be mommy before anything else, regardless if i shouldn't have could'nt have would'nt have in the first place....

greasy grimy gopher guts

if you are a stepfather dad, clap your hands...

if you are a sperm donor dad, stomp your feet...

if you've adopted a little one,

who you lovingly refer to as "son"...

wiggle your toes, wiggle your toes, wiggle your toes....

called my dad today. it's weird referring to him as my "dad", because we didn't develop a relationship until i was in my 20's... but it's even weider to say "my real dad", because i think it implies that perhaps i have a fake dad as well (a blow-up dad hiding in the closet whom i take for long walks with the dogs sometimes) . hmmm... "my biological father" sounds too technical, and makes me think of why he is my "biological" dad, which gives me the heebie-jeebies. i may as well say, "my sperm donor dad"...

when i used to talk to my mother's 2nd ex, (he was the one who raised us kids) i'd call him "dad" and my "bio dad" my "father"... then came my "stepdad", who's barely older than you'69ers who we all call grandpa (shares the same name as mr.x). he is more like a big brother to me, but has also given me more insight into life over the years than my other dads combined. i almost called him today to say "happy D day", but decided against it since mother has a way of blowing EVERYTHING out of proportion... (yeah, yeah, now y'all know where i get it from)

having grown up with an asshole of a stepdad, getting the best "fatherly" advice of my life from a guy only nine years older than me, and bio dad missing during my most important years (aka "childhood"), i am happy to say that i am grateful for all the good men in my life. from the past and the ones in my present. Among some of them are:

• the gay friend who told me that men are nothing but trouble,
• the stranger who paid for my gas when i had no money on me and had filled my tank (it was approx. $17) thinking i had cash; he said to just take good care of my baby (i was 8 mos along with D1).
• an old man standing in line in front of me at an atm. i was huge (pregnant), and thought that life was a cruel setup for knuckleheads like me. big ol' crocodile tears were streaming down my face, and he turned around and said, "awww, baby. it can't all be that bad.. smile now. you'll be ok..." and i felt soo much better. fucker didn't let me cut him in line, though.. (that was a funny, btw.)
• grandpa who always told me i was so smart, and wouldn't it be nice if we could stop time just for a little bit so that we could spend some time alone together? and nobody could bother us, we could tinker in the workshop allll day. my first trip to a landfill was courtesy of gramps.. i thought it was so cool.
• an anesthesiologist named eric who was incredibly gentle with me when he hooked me up with an epidural during one of my more painful deliveries.
• dr sefa. never rushed my prenatal appts. apologized for missing the birth of D3 (it couldn't have been helped, she practically flew out!) never told me i was gaining too much weight or not getting enough exercise - would always instead ask what i was eating, how much exercise i was getting, and would gently give advice.
• my very dear guy friends who have been there for me during dark hours.
• sunny. who always looks at me when i am bustling about as if to say, 'mama, if i could help you , i would..." he tries so hard not to bark at strangers at the fence; he doesn't pee on my garden. crawls into bed with me when i cry.
• and my dearest baby boys. they have taught me so much about love and patience. d2 wipes the toilet down without being asked, and said he'd try not to wipe boogers on the wall next to his bed anymore. can't ask for much more than that out of a kid...

awww crap!

i was talking to lotus earlier, and had the perfect title for a blog, and i've lost it completely...

i love being in the days classes. today, a "yoke" was a "joke". we were using our books to find answers to some question packets that were passed out in class. i read a sentence that sounded sexual. i say to my friend:
"wow, this sentence sounds like it's describing some sort of sexual position.." my teacher's desk is right in front of mine, and he says, "WHAT?" and so i read,

"the DISS connection consists of an externally threaded body and a mated nipple with a nut. As the two parts are joined, the shoulders of the nipple and the bores of the body mate, the union held together by a hand-tightened hex nut."

we all cracked up. someone was in dire need to get laid when they wrote that...

we are doing a class on medical gas therapy, and have to be able to calculate how much gas is in a container.my day instructor was talking about MDI's - metered dose inhalers (for asthma). he says to me, "aren't you the one who uses an MDI?" i say, "uh, no, that would be 'i got that'"... cheryl was the only one who thought it was funny because she transferred to days with me, and it was our little inside yoke, i mean joke.. ok, i guess you had to be there.

i was arguing a point (i turned out to be wrong, btw... utter humiliation is always good for the soul) with my morning instructor and he called me, "DUDE!" i said, "did you just call me 'dude'?"

yay! i got to donate a pint of blood after school! i didn't pass out, but got very lightheaded for about 3 or 4 minutes.

and in other news, i freaking can't stand evening classes. some of my old classmates i am still friends with, but this one annoying rosie perez sound-a-like is driving me crazy. she has become a full blown kiss-ass to our teacher, and bad-mouths our clinical director every chance she gets. this teacher is actually leaving the school, and is more than happy to talk shit as well, which just bothers the crap out of me, it's so blatantly disrespectful of them both. anyhoo...

so the other thing i don't like about my new evening teacher who is leaving soon is that he really talks shit about RN's, or well, actually all nurses. and my sister is an LVN and i think she is very smart and incredibly thoughful and attentive to her patients. i do my best to keep my mouth shut, but it has a tendency to rattle off sometimes, as many of you know...

instructor bitches about this time he was doing a femoral stick on a patient who he thought knew what he was doing, but it turned out that she didn't speak english, she just kept nodding her head. so when he went to draw her blood she freaked out, and he ended up sticking himself with the needle after he had already used it on her. ends up in the emergency room, and gets chewed out by the doctor for being careless and then later by the nurses in ICU. and the says, "yeah, and they say that nurses are supposed to be nurturing!!"

then he starts going on about the time a nurse nearly tore his finger to pieces trying to get out a splinter... i say, "you mean to tell me you couldn't get a splinter out of your own finger?!" he says as he throws his arms up in the air and aims them to me, "now see?! she's a perfect candidate for nursing school!!"

we all start laughing and i'm trying to hide my annoyance because i just gotta get through 3 more weeks of this class, and then i don't have to hear shit about nurses anymore, and then "rosie" says, "gee, mulysa, i guess you're in the wrong field..."

i almost lost it. i think i have told several of you about this person. she is one the meanest, nastiest persons i have come across in a while. i said, "don't be such a kiss-ass, ok?"

"i got that" borrowed a cell phone from a classmate and made a call to a cab at 9:15, right in front of the class while the instructor was giving a demonstration on ET suction... it was also kind of an open discussion thingy, so he didn't realize what she was doing right behind him, and i couldn't stop laughing. he kept saying, "what? WHAT?! what am i doing that's so funny?!" which just cracked us up more. then she walks out of class and he says, "um... where is she going? i'm not done with class..."


i honestly was thinking about dropping this class and taking it when it gets offered again in several months, i hate being with my old cohort that much... cheryl says, "just 3 more weeks, just 3 more weeks..."

GIMMIE MY GRANDDAUGHTER!!!

oh, um, yeah, and i guess the rest of you guys can come over too...

funny. i just got off the phone with my mom. she has a friend in town from new mexico, and wants my 4 year old, i mean me and the kids, to come over saturday and visit.

i used to get REALLY upset by this type of favortism, but have learned a little patience. she adored and obsessed over all the grandbabies when they were little.

it'll soon be my baby niece's turn - i'm not looking forward to THAT jerry springer episode... the grandmothers loathe each other...

YAY!! i'm the smartest dummy!!

go figure, these are the people that are holding our lives in their hands..
i just finished a science 101 class, aka respiratory care sciences. the book was more about the application of certain theories and gas laws, and provided hardly any explanation on the laws themselves, so every one was lost, including my other teacher. he decides to give us a "surprise" for our final last thursday...

i get to class at 6 pm and am told that we are not allowed to take the final until 9 pm because then everyone bails on the remainder of class, and the teachers get in trouble from the evil president... so everyone is sitting sround bored to death, and at 9 he tells everyone to take out a piece of paper and write down the grade they think they will get on the test. "be honest!" i put 92%

then he says, "have a good night!" "go home!"

"wtf?!" aw, hell no i did not study for this test so i skip it! fuck that!

i say, "did you even make up a test?"

he says, "yeah, do you have any idea how many people would have failed my test if i gave it tonight?"

i say, "gimme the test." he throws his hands up.

so i waited for everyone to leave and took the test. it was funny, he complained about how he tried to be nice, and i'm never happy. he even said that he was going to scrap my grade and give me the score i get on the test, even if i fail it. i said that sounded like a good idea, because at least then i will have earned it. we had a good laugh over the scores everyone gave themselves..

i'm pretty sure i got a 100%

in the process of switching to days...

my clinical director, who i usually have in the evenings, is now my teacher in days. i don't know how he manages to have a life - he probably doesn't. he is much more tolerable, almost even likable, during the days. one of my good friends/classmates switched to days with me and we are looking forward to finishing school maybe 3 months early. highlights of class include:

"jugular" spelled "yugular"

"vomit" and "vapor" are "womit" and "wapor"

Medical air (filtered atmospheric air) is stored in "jello" tanks... he said this and i at first thought that he said perhaps "cell" or "gel" tanks? WTF? i look at my friend and she was watching me and busting up because she knew i'd get lost.

"did he just say 'jello' tanks?"

"no.. 'yellow' tanks..."

maintaining composure is something of a challenge when one is sitting in the front row, middle seat...

CO2 (carbon dioxide) is : "used for singulation, to dilate cerebral vessels (pronounced 'bessels') and in ECMO"...

CO2 is also: "produced by heating limestone in contact with water"... um, wouldn't it make more sense to heat the water and then make contact with the limestone? he was reading the powerpoint slideshow to us, and when he got to this factoid, i said,

"you know, in case we're ever out in the woods and need some carbon dioxide or something..."

could somebody PLEASE PLEASE give us some useless information in case our itty bitty brains aren't overloaded as it is?!

each class is started with a pep talk of some sort, and yesterday he was going on (for an hour, i kid you not...) about how if you have a felony on your record, you will not be able to get your rt certification. if you have a misdemeanor, you will have to get a renewable license monthly for about a year.

this guy in the back says, "ummm, what if you like got a misdemeanor when you were a juvenile? does that count?"

sigh...

speaking of yesterday's pep talk, some classmates were asking about hiring and job placement stuff. my teacher says that he works (when, i have no idea...) at scripps mercy hospital in chula vista. then he says that he recently placed 3 rt's, over there because they were these amazing students, etc, etc... then he says that he doesn't have a lot of boys at that hospital, it's just that these three students were very good, etc..

i say to my friend, "what did he just say?! he doesn't have a lot of boys at scripps? what does that have to to with anything?!"

she giggles, "voice, melissa, voice... he doesn't have a lot of voice at scripps..."

"i heard that," i say.

"bullshit!"

lows:

• unfortunately my financial status is looking like i won't be able to take some time off from school next year and take a vacation with my kids. i was also hoping to go to europe again and see my old hood, if it still exists.
• eating habits have been horrible lately. i have grown very lazy when i don't have the baby goats and pretty much eat only prepackaged food. good thing is, i have a whole new perspective on single people and all my single friends can now look forward to not having to listen to me bitch about how they can/should be eating healthy..

highs:

• maintaining a 3.94 gpa. (see title of post)
• helped a friend find a new, bigger place to move into. she's really excited.
• can't wait to be going to days. i miss the monsters. they make life so much fun. i took D2 to baseball practice today, and he called me back to him for a kiss goodbye.
• the boys love their new venus flytraps, the girls have been helping me grow a garden with green onions, rosemary, basil, and strawberries (of course!)

i'm so very, terribly, incredibly sorry...

i just remembered that yesterday i bought a sympathy card for lotus because i was close to a store...

it took me at least ten minutes or more to pick a card for her. a coworker of hers has lost a loved one, and she needed a sympathy card.

"ok, so not more than 10 words!"
"basic message!"

these were my instructions.

simple, right?

ah. not quite. i stood in front of the deepest sympathies section for the longest time, and then started pulling cards out.
from both of us? oohh, i dunno. did she want to include shogun?
um, this card seems ok, but it looks like a money envelope. did they want to send a check?
damn. it was getting more and more complicated. i found myself counting the words, sizing up the giant flowers pictured on the front of the cards - is the font too gushy??

too religious
too personal
too expressive
too condescending (yes, believe it!)

sigh. i know i could've just called her, but once in a (long) while i like to be a big girl...

i can't even remember which one i ended up with, but i do remember that i settled on something plainish and hurried to the checkout in a light sweat. when i got to my car, i lit up and laughed.

the bitch in me...

i did a mean thing tonight. i don't feel too bad about it (yet), but i feel bad that i let something nasty within me out.

so. tonight, in class, i was getting frustrated with the way my teacher was presenting material to the class. we were going over ekg's, and no one seemed to be understanding a lot of the terminology and descriptions of the many arrythmia's (abnormal heart rhythms) of the heart.

i asked a question regarding palpatations; where they originate from, why they happen, how stress related are they, and then my teacher starts describing the cause and effects of palpatations and tachycardia... 'i got that!' says, "hey! i had that just this weekend! and it took about 20 minutes before they went away!" my teacher keeps talking like she didn't say anything and everyone seemed to inwardly groan...

i then went on a 30 min dinner break and had a sad and depressing conversation with a friend of mine. suddenly the pessimist about life, the universe and everything, i dragged my feet back to class about 10 minutes late.

we get further into lecture about different causes of dyspnea (subjective complaint of shortness of breath as perceived by a patient...) . there are 3 causes, and the last one discussed was regarding metabolic causes of dyspnea. so i say, "cirrhosis of the liver?" "yes, but what else?" "renal (liver) failure?" "yes, yes, but c'mon guys? what else?"

silence...

"c'mon guys! this is going to be a very common condition you will see in the field... didn't you guys take 'cardiac anatomy and physiology'?"

silence...

i (finally) say, "i have no idea what you are talking about..."

he says, "hemoalkalosis!" or was it, "hemoglykosis"? i can't even remember what he said, i was so frustrated. he repeats the word again and then stares at us like little light bulbs would suddenly turn on over our stupid little heads...

silence...

i (finally (again)) say (sarcastically),

"oooooohhhh yeah! that's right!"

he stares at me and it obvious that he is not getting the sarcasm. i say, "that was a joke. we have never heard that term before, teacher."

"what?! never?!"

everyone starts blurting things out because it has been a problem with my cohort for a while now - we have on several occasions been short-changed on classes due to lack of teachers, and on one occasion, a very incompetent teacher that was pulled from our class halfway into the module.

then 'i got that!' gets up and begins to cross the room. every night she gets up from her seat at exactly 9.15 pm to place a call for a cab to pick her up, even if it's in the middle of lecture. as she passes me she says, "yeah, i know the term.. i had -"

this is when i did my bad thing..

i interrupted her and irritably said,

"yeah, i'm sure you do. you've probably had that before, too..."

she continued walking and i don't know if she heard me or not. when she came back into the romm a few minutes later, she tried chatting with me as usual if i didn't say anything; perhaps she had heard me and it didn't sink in because she didn't get it; perhaps i hurt her feelings and she didn't want me to know...

either way i felt polly wolly crappy and feel like it was totally unjustified and ashamed that i let my inner bratty nastiness out.

if she really is loopy, she deserves a little more patience than i had to give tonight.
if she isn't, maybe she really wants attention and doesn't know how to get it any other way.

regardless, that was unkind on my part and i feel bad about it.

sigh...

highs for the day:

• i got several things done on my "things i really, really fucking don't want to do list" these things included: calling my cell phone company, my credit card company, my cable company, and my bank.
• sold a property to my broker. 2 down, 2 to go.
• actually got my schedule shifted to the day classes - i'll finish school 2-3 months earlier. yay!

lows for today:

• i was unkind.
• reminded someone i love very much that they really need to look within themselves more, and that friend didn't seem to really want to hear that.
• i think my scale is broken - it's like 5 lbs too high... then again, it MIGHT just be my big fat gut.
• threw a double bday party for the middles, D2 & D3, and the house looks like a blind man cleaned it...

today i was reminded to:

• put gas in my car after seeing 2 people carrying gas cans...
• lose weight when i stood on my scale...
• keep an extra roll of toilet paper closer to the toilet after getting stranded.
• keep my big mouth shut after depressing my friend.
• not trust my ex with money when he said, " yeah! i'm going to jamaica!" when handed a check with the proceeds of the sale of our property.

ya know....

sometimes i swear i truly am in the twilight zone.

my mom watched the kids tonight because mr.x had a birthday shindig at his place tonight and asked if i could get a babysitter.

i get home, and i'm VERY tired. i heat up a bowl of leftover vegetable soup i made and crack open a beer. mom lays on the couch and doesn't make room for me to sit, so i have to practically sit in front of her.

i haven't seen mom in a while (she was in okinawa for 6 wks), and the first thing she says is:

'what are you doing about D1's weight? you have to do something. he's getting too big. the diabetes problem with children in japan is getting bad.'

i say, 'well, mom, i'm trying to let him eat as much as he wants, but be careful about what he's eating... for the past two nights they've had vegetable soup for dinner, and i 'm also careful about their snacks..'

as if i hadn't said a thing, she starts telling me about some girl who slowly murdered her mother and documented it over the internet and a dad who killed his small child for no reason. then, she says how tired i look, but makes no effort to get off the couch and go so i can get some sleep. asked me about some of my friends and then about mr.x.

hee hee... then she goes on about how much food she ate in japan. hmmm the food was sooo good . i ate sooo much. it was soooo fresh...

i couldn't take it anymore. i say:

'damn. last night, i had a bean tostada for dinner, and i still have horrible gas...'

there is nothing in the world that motivate a person like another person's gas. my mom looked at me as if she couldn't believe she gave birth to me, and then got up shortly after. i followed her out of the house and lit a smoke and sat down on the front porch steps. said goodbye.

sigh. mama's a nut which makes me a nut...

and speaking of nuts, i have a transient neighbor, pam, who is creeping the hell out of me. she left (8!!) gold spray-painted wreaths on my porch out of the blue when i first moved in. i had no idea who did it - it was in the middle of the night. i assumed it was my other neighbors because they were having a yard sale that weekend.

nope. it was pam, who came over to my plave about a week later at 11 pm to tell me it was her and that i can make a lot of money dressing up wreaths and selling them.

it gets worse. one night, i was up very very late, and went out on the porch around 2 am for a smoke. go back out around 3 am and there's a PIZZA and a soda on the porch. and a bag of fake berries with a note written on the back of a receipt:
'hi, got these
at rummage sale
by seniors center
on f st!
you'll find
more goodies
love
pam
p.s.
you can cut
down size of vines'

i was so freaked out! and i was hella pissed at my dogs for not barking... then i got more freaked out that she must've been pretty quiet when she walked up the porch steps.

so. tonight i'm tired, and a little emotionally drained, and here she comes up the sidewalk, walkman blasting. i'm so glad i had sunny with me. she asked about my kids, and didn't seemed phased at my very obvious reluctance to answer. oh, did i get the pizzza? the pizza place puts WHOLE pizzas (can you believe it?!) out by "the back" (which, btw, i'm assuming is "the dumpster") and since she can't eat the whole thing, brought me one.

then she said that i need privacy in my windows and that she'll gladly hook up about 15 (!!!WTF!!!) spider plants off my porch beams. i say no thanks, i'm not into plants, so she says she'll get me ARTIFICIAL plants! she even began walking the front lawn and counting to herself to get an idea of how many plants will fit up there. i say no thanks, i'm fine. we start going back and forth before i just start saying, bye pam. ok, bye. yeah, bye now. goodbye.

do dee do do do dee do do

operator! operator!!! i need an operator!!!

man, i loved that episode...

CHEEEEESE!!!

brie, brie, brie it should be free!

creamy and smooth and tangy and yummy!
goes good with bread and it melts in my tummy!

baggettes and rolls and crackers and fruit!
consume too much and you'll start to toot!!

appetizer?! screw it! let's have it for dinner!
one of the guys from 'the x-files' was skinner!

'triple cream' means you'll get 3x as fat!
so you just pull out your exercise mat!

BBBBRRRRIIIEEEE! for FREEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!

as the sun comes up...

one of the things i love about being up all night is the total uninterrupted space to do whatever i want!

tonight i...

loaded pics onto my flickr account.
blogged.
downloaded a TON of music onto my ipod. (omg, i love my ipod!! thank you lotus!)
smoked too many smokes.
massaged my sore arse. (i really need a better computer chair...)
contemplated life on a mental sidebar. i try to keep this program constantly running so it doesn't get too overloaded...

i had a nice quiet time organizing my music. thank you all who have let me burn their music collections (esp ronin!).

going to bed now. don't bother calling me, unless anyone wants to attempt conversation with a zombie.

and i thought I was weird...

tonight seemed like it was going to drag on FOREVER. my classes are about 4 hrs long m-th. some nights i swear i've been in class for 6 or more. it's like in those high school movies, when a kid is waiting for time to hurry up and move on with it, damnit, and then the freaking second hand goes backward...

then there's nights when so much shit happens in one night, i wonder how 4 hrs could possibly be enough time for all that shit to happen... let's see:

tonight started off with this one VERY odd girl, who has earned the nickname, "i got that!". at almost any given lecture, she will blurt out, "i got that!" to the teacher. huh, let me think. tonight she claimed to have 2nd degree heart block - type one, in which there is some kind of blockage in the atria, and after x many regular beats, the heart skips a beat. she also said she has sinus bradycardia (slower than 60 beats/min). last week she said she missed class the day before because she had "pleural rubbing", which patients get with fairly severe pulmonary problems.

and with alll these medical problems, she has NOT passed a class in six months. i can't even begin to imagine what her school bill looks like...

and while i don't dislike her as a person, having her in my class, and i think they are starting to pass her even with failing grades, makes me a little concerned about the people who are going to be taking care of me when i need medical attention.

the weirdest thing is that she is also a lover of dolls. and i mean in a "whoa!" kinda way. she always has a doll in her backpack, and brought a catalog to school tonight to show off her doll. (her favorite one she keeps at home) these dolls are like 130 bucks each. one of my classmates asked her why she doesn't have a car (she takes a cab to and from school every night), and she said, "because then i'd have to get a carseat for my doll, and a stroller to take it to class in, and diapers for her and a change of clothes... OMG, if i'm ever in need of resp care, i would rather suffocate than have miss norman bates standing over me, sticking tubes in my nose and giving me meds!

uh, yeah... and then there was the time we were going over x-rays, and my teacher mentioned that the x-ray was of a woman's, who i think had a pneunothorax. "i got that!" says, "where are her breasts?"

i felt bad that she has to call a cab every night, and so i gave her a ride home, and she wouldn't let me take the freeway, and told me exactly what streets to turn down. i was going to take a main street because i thought it would be faster, and she insisted i not... when i got to her place, she got out, said, "see you later!" and shut the door.

for the most part, i like my class. crazy-ass rosie perez sound-a-like has quieted down (a little) and my arch nemesis doesn't get nosy about who got what grade anymore since she has become more of a b student.

on our break tonight i listened to the rant of a friend of mine who was saying that she thinks that the low self esteem of teenage girls is a serious problem, and that she should teach high school kids to smoke pot and masturbate instead of engaging in sex, because it just feels waay better. one of her points to teenage girls would be that they aren't going to get anything out of it because boys orgasm prematurely anyway, and they have no experience or desire to get the girl off. i almost choked on my salad several times...

another good friend was in need of help, of which i was happy to give; she said i'm going to heaven for sure. in my better spaces, i like to think i am already there. poor kid has a pinched nerve in her back and looked like a zombie with her eyes glazed over.

on friday i did my first shadowing. i followed one of my teachers around for a couple of hours at a hospital. it was unreal. i think everyone should go to a hospital and get a good look at all of the patients. it kind of woke something up inside me. made me think about what is truly important in life. how short and fragile our lives are. how so much depends on the decisions we make, what we think is important, where we place our values. balance for most of us is so difficult.

if i die tomorrow, will i be able to say that the time i've spent with my children, my friends, full of love and happiness? for the most part, yes.

my mother has breast cancer. i've done everything i can to get her to a hospital. i've totally spoken my mind, and while she does not get the care i wish for her, i can honestly say that i have said eveything i need to say to her, and listened to all that she has needed to say to me. with my mother, i am not necessarily happy with the way things have gone/are, but at peace. and the same goes for my sister. we will always be good friends. i love her very much.

i don't know if i'll ever have closure with my ex husband, but i think that in time, i might. we have been getting along well lately, and i think that he knows me well enough to understand that i do not have pure hatred for him and spite, although i find myself struggling with it sometimes...

i miss my two good friends in italy very much. i called hot fudge today to leave her a voicemail. i hope she finds it amusing.

sniffle, cough-cough, sniffle

uh-oh...

i think i have "lotusitis"...

this is going to be my third post today and it's not even 2 pm...

"hey kettle!! you're black!!"

i loooove coffee!! and i love toffee bars from starbucks!

went to get coffee with a friend this morning, and told her loud and clear:

"these are what i want served at my funeral!!"

"damn girl! you mean at your wedding, right?"

"i am not getting married again! but i know for sure i'm dying! remember these."

"sometimes, mulysa, you crack me up..."

she was the one who cracked me up this morning, telling me the most hilarious story about the time she took a bag of frozen chicken and knocked out her ex, and then she literally kicked him in his ass until he was out of the doorway, which ended him up in the hospital for 2 days..

"um, yeah, i was an angry person way back then."

we talked about trying to instill values in our children as they grow (away) from us. she is worried about her 15 year old daughter becoming a follower in high school.

"i need to learn to let things go."

and i understood where she was coming from - we have no right to leash our young, to force them to be what we'd like them to be. it was interesting that i had read lotus' post about children not too long ago.

i told her that accepting that her daughter is her own unique person is the first step, and that she shouldn't punish her into doing the"right thing", but rather guide her.

"but it's so hard!"

"be strong, be patient, you can do it..."

gimme about 8 more years before she can say i was the pot calling the kettle black.