in the past year since the beginning of my separation/divorce, i have been asked several times by a couple of people why i had children. in particular four. especially when i was in the midst of a disintegrating marriage.
why would i bring another after another after another child into this world when things were so obviously bad? how could i have done that? to myself? to my children?
it occured to me tonight that that question probably rings in everyone's mind, and i felt very troubled and very hurt. i've decided to make an attempt to explain myself to the best of my abilities, and perhaps answer this question to myself as well..
what was i thinking? why did i have children, and four at that??
i have spent some brain time on this, and it comes down to something rather simple:
i had no business having children in the first place.
with that in mind, i guess any explanation (that probably sounds a lot like pathetic excuses to most) doesn't really matter.
i was very young when i started having sex. at some point i met an older man (7 yrs). at the time, i thought he was the best thing i'd ever find. he drove me places, bought me cigarrettes, lunch, drew pictures (he was actually pretty good) for me.
i never thought much about being good at school. college, for what ever reason, seemed "not worth it"... not worth what, i have no clue, i just remember thinking it "would be too hard". i always wanted a baby. a family. i thought it might be nice to have that with this man.
sometimes we could really laugh, and i honestly thought he loved me very much. things were not really "that bad" when we dated, it wasn't until we had the first that i realized it was going to be rough.
i remember his sister being 7 months ahead of me during my first pregancy. i was so excited that i was now part of a growing family (his brother's wife was also 2 months behind me), dysfunctional though it was. mom-in-law fretted over my pregnancy where my mother asked who the father was and suggested i abort, knowing my views on abortion: if you don't think you'd keep the kid, don't fuck them. even during my times of unsafe sex with different partners, i knew that if i ever became pregnant, i'd keep the child - it was my responsibility, my choice to have had sex, my fault for being in that situation.
my x fell completely in love with D1. at eighteen, i thought life would only get better. sure, we were struggling financially... lived at mom-in-law's, had to do apartment managing to make ends meet. but isn't this what life is made of? livin' off the fat o' the land? finding happiness even though i had to shop thrift stores, apply for medical and WIC, and drive a piece of shit car?
i have to say, sometimes i think the very giggle of my son made me want to have SEVEN more. all at once, he was so precious.
nothing else really mattered. i just wanted to be happy. as a family. we wanted more kids. we both blamed a lot of our stress and fighting on finances, school/workload, and whatever external forces we could. i think too many people do that.
D2, D3, and D4 all arrived as my marriage went through numerous mountains and valleys. why didn't i leave sooner? well, for one, i never thought i'd make it one my own. and if i hadn't done the real estate that i did, i wouldn't have made it at all. my friend just found out that she's going to get 1K in child support monthly, and that's WITH her having the kids 66% of the time. she has no job, and no skills. sounds like me.
for two: i reallly hoped that things would work out between us. i had a hard time a) fathoming that he really got off on mind-fucking me, and b) that he actually did it consistently. i thought i had seroius mental problems (sometimes still do) and that most of our marital problems were based off of my shit.
does that make it ok that i had more kids? no.
i could go on about the would've could've should've of it all, but does it really matter? as it is, i can't sleep some nights thinking about bringing four little people into a world where mom is a nutjob, and dad is cruel and spiteful to anyone who crosses him. did i mention lazy too? him i mean...
i believe that i am in a place where i have a very small opportunity to "make it up" to my kids. i don't think there really is such a thing, but perhaps decrease the damage just a bit. it is all i have to offer.
i think that maybe i wanted to be a part of something big. something special. i remember feeling so gifted when i'd find out i was pregnant. maybe i could be part of raising a happy person who in turn could help others be happy too.
i sound like such a hippie...
and, you know? i feel so grateful for the people in my life who love me and my children unconditionally. i try to give that same love, or at least something close to it, because there isn't REALLY unconditional love, just things darn tootin' close. hard to find stuff, it is. gotta look hard.
and i hope (funny, was recently told i need to strike that word from my vocabulary) that some day i will find someone who think my kids are the shit, and he will think i am an amazing crazy-ass woman to have had four. he will not think about what on earth possessed me to make such a blunder in my life, and how that is going to hinder on our otherwise-perfect relationship, but rather how the hell can he secure a place for himself in it. (he's probably thinking of me RIGHT NOW in a mental hospital somewhere).
i understand that i'm probably never going to find someone who wants to be part of a family of 5. and if i do, he's gonna have to be a little nutty. whatever. i gotta be mommy before anything else, regardless if i shouldn't have could'nt have would'nt have in the first place....
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10 comments:
You're such an awesome mom. I wish they could have gotten a better shake from life when it comes to the male parental unit. Fun dad doesn't necessarily = good dad.
Anyways, the better we all understand the overt and covert reasons why we do things, the better able we are when making future decisions.
Your kids are lucky to have you.
Nothing but the best of wishes in practice and preparation with your family.
Missy,
I don't think I've ever read an entry as brutally honest as this one. IMO, that question is one of the most horrendous things someone can ask, precisely because of that offensive germ of an implication; because THAT'S REALLY WHAT THEY'RE ASKING.
And it's shameful to think that those people were too thoughtless, or clueless, to understand what they were really asking.
And here's a supposition on my part: it would be a shame to think that those who asked that question, actually have children themselves. i would hope, if they did, they wouldn't have even dared to ask that question.
my nephews, niece and goddaughter all come from dysfunctional households of one type or another. even with all the crap they have had to suffer through, they're still great kids.
i know, i know, people can flash the "responsibility" card, but we're not talking about 'crack whores' here. We're talking about normal people just trying to make ends meet and survive day-to-day. Just by doing that affirms that person's 'responsibility.'
oh and i forgot to thank you for your honesty. you go, girl.
Here, here, kilatzin... I was thinking and pondering and wondering and pontificating on how to respond to this brutally honest and touching blog. You've just made it easier...
Should-a, could-a, would-a...
Retrospect is an iffy game to play. If things are going great, it's really easy to look back and think you've made all the correct decisions. On the other side, though, if things are going wrong, it's TOO easy to look back and beat yourself up for not making the "right" decision(s).
"Oh... I should've done this..."
"Why didn't I see THAT coming..."
"If I could go back, I'd do it differently..."
This is why I don't like retrospect. (Don't get me wrong. I believe we should all LEARN from out past experiences, but not necessarily beat ourselves up about how some things have turned out.) If you're in a dark place, you will always lose the retrospect game. There are just too many variables that bombard us in our daily lives. I told you recently how I thought it was amazing to think about how many seemingly random events have to occur in order for two people to meet, date, get married, have a family, etc. You weren't really amazed by that... What amazed you was how two people may come "close" to meeting, but then their paths end up diverging and never crossing...
There's just no way to truly know what will happen the next day, the next month, the next year...
You're one of the most giving people I know. You're a good mom and a good person just trying to do the best that you can. You've got wonderful kids.
As Superman said, YOU GO GIRL!!!
well put fellows.
mulys is a great mom and a great friend and i see her trying hard to make things better. that's all one can really do.
whether such a question being asked was for (a) finger pointing to make one feel bad [good ol' human nature] or (b) genuine interest as to the reasons, in the end nothing can be done about it and one would get as sensible an answer out of asking why the birthrate is highest in the poorest countries and lowest among those with resources or even more basic, why people do what they do. such is life. one can only hope to pay attention enough to what has transpired to simply learn the correct lessons.
some get it rough, some easy
some learn early, some late
some get it quickly, some don't
but we all have the capacity imporove and try and make the best of the hand we're dealt.
hey there may be something to this zen thing, eh?
you might not think so, but sure sounds like you've got things pretty well figured out to me. luck with school and the family; i've always been awed by those who could balance the two at the same time.
this was a pretty remarkable post. sad to say, but many people -- and i'm not excluding myself -- think exactly what you write about every time they see someone who doesn't look like they should be a mom.
i'll try to stop being so judgmental. what counts is what you do once you have a kid(s). nuclear families can be just as dysfunctional, they just don't get the nasty thoughts of others as often.
and let me echo another's comment: some gall to question someone's decision to have a family.
Mulysa- You don't EVER have to explain yourself to anyone. I have read your blog for awhile and you sound like a wonderful mommy. Screw anyone who calls you down for what you did to end up where you are. YOU know the difference. Looks liek you have lots of pals who truly love you. You're in spades, baby! Hugs to you from another single mamma who didn't marry, but thought about things a little like you did.
If there is anyone on the planet that deserves the title of supermom and superwoman it's Mulysa.
She helped Scregman and I sell our home to buy another one plus move. She refuse to let us hire professional movers, I don't know how she did it but she was able to lift & move those very heavy items like our washer, dryer & fridge among other heavy things.
During the course of all of this in addition to the breakup of her marriage has brought us closer together.
I enjoy and have spent alot of time with Mulysa and her kids and I have never seen a more loving, caring and giving mom that puts alot of time and patience into her children.
Mulysa is a very thoughtful & kind person/friend and I wish that I could have had the opportunity to know her and her children better back when I first met her years ago.
At one time she was managing a slue of apartments which is not the easiest thing to do.
Oh and did I mention that she is also your one stop Handy Woman. She does and has done home improvements for herself and others.
Wow, supermom, apartment manager, real estate agent & handywoman.
Now that she is a fulltime student studying in the medical field I can't wait to see what this superwoman will do next.
Raising 4 kids she still manages to hold a very high GPA.
Mulysa, I respect, admire & commend you and whether you decide to go into nursing, teaching, holistic healing or in-home health care you will do well.
You’re the BOMB and a great mom.
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