"excuse me, waiter? reality check, please..."

around 5.30 this afternoon i was driving home with the kids from a friend's house. she was kind enough to let me pick her kalimansit tree clean for a marinade i'm making. tomorrow (or rather, later today...) we're having a double bday party for the middles, d2 & d3.

as we were driving on a bridge that goes over the freeway and then leads to the on ramp, donovan says, "mom, is that a fire?"

i look ahead in the direction we were going to be driving and groaned, "yeah, i think so." i remember feeling puzzled because the "smoke" was light brown.

then it dawned on me that an accident had just occurred.

we took the on ramp and immediately went into the emergency lane. i was second on the scene. the car was totaled and all 4 participants were seriously injured. i thought it ironic that it always seems the driver in a major accident is usually the least injured. four young adults. one with at least a broken leg, another who couldn't move his back, a driver in a daze, and a girl who was about to go into shock.

before i was a licensed RT, i used to feel helpless, and the only thing i felt comfortable doing was calling 911.

today i was ready to do whatever i could to help, which is a lot more than i used to be able to do, and yet i felt just as helpless. there was another woman there talking to one of the boys, and i could just tell from the way she was assessing the boy that she was in the medical field. she said "yes" when i asked and i told her i was an RT. she smiled and said she was one too. somehow this made me feel so much calmer. anytime, in the hospital or not, when the shit hits the fan, there is nothing like having another RT there. i was wishing awful hard that stitch was there, and when he didn't magically appear i was certain this wasn't just a bad dream.

among the other "helpers" was a woman who told one of the girls that she's praying for them, and an incensed man who started yelling at the driver. apparently she was merging way too fast and had to brake suddenly for a slow car, which is what caused the accident. i barked at him that this was not the time for blame. he stormed off.

someone's sneaker in the emergency lane about 25 ft from the car made things eerie and surreal and i was relieved to hear the sirens approaching.

the kids handled it well, and they were glad we stopped. it was a mixed blessing that i was behind the first car - they didn't see much at all, but it was stressful trying to keep an eye on them. the praying lady was kind enough to check on them.

as we left the scene i thought, "what if we had been 2 minutes earlier? OMG... we could have been involved..."

i was still queasy half an hour later when we were shopping for groceries and day said, "mama. i think i want to be a respiratory therapist when i grow up." i picked her up and hugged my (getting heavy) 9 yr old close. then she whispers,

"or maybe a doctor..."