damn this country song life...

every once in a while i think about deleting my blog because i rarely have time for it anymore. but then i browse through my old posts and i'm taken back to those times when i wrote them. when i split with my ex almost four years ago, i knew that 2008 was going to be one of the hardest years for me because this is the year that i would be working full time, trying to play catch up with my debts. little did i know it was also going to be hard for other reasons as well.

this past month and a half has been especially tough. i am changing employment status at both hospitals. my schedule is changing drastically and i am stressed about child care. there never seems to be enough time for much anymore, and when i do have a bit of time, i've been finding myself mentally paralyzed. trying to pull it together has turned out to be more difficult than i expected.

sometimes i hate my job, sometimes i don't. i guess everybody feels that to some degree. i'm burned out on giving treatments to people who don't need them & not being able to give them to people who do need them. working in the ICU's can be pretty depressing since everyone who's there is fucked up. gruesome car accidents, stabbings, gunshots, suicide attempts, you name it. working on the floors has it's own shit too. some of those guys are flat out loopy, and the ones who aren't break your heart for having to be there. one of my pts was telling me the saddest story of how the pt ended up having custody of their grandkids - the drug using mother dropped them off one day to be babysat and just never came back...

and there are times that i feel that life is good. my kids are happy and healthy, i have good friends. my dog has the worst gas there ever was, but he's loyal and loves me. i try to think that one of these days i will have an easy going life. i want to travel. i want a garden. i want a house with a front porch where i can sit with good company (even if it's myself) and enjoy a warm drink. it's pretty simple. i just gotta find my focus...

...maybe it got stuck in the couch somewhere...