ya know....

sometimes i swear i truly am in the twilight zone.

my mom watched the kids tonight because mr.x had a birthday shindig at his place tonight and asked if i could get a babysitter.

i get home, and i'm VERY tired. i heat up a bowl of leftover vegetable soup i made and crack open a beer. mom lays on the couch and doesn't make room for me to sit, so i have to practically sit in front of her.

i haven't seen mom in a while (she was in okinawa for 6 wks), and the first thing she says is:

'what are you doing about D1's weight? you have to do something. he's getting too big. the diabetes problem with children in japan is getting bad.'

i say, 'well, mom, i'm trying to let him eat as much as he wants, but be careful about what he's eating... for the past two nights they've had vegetable soup for dinner, and i 'm also careful about their snacks..'

as if i hadn't said a thing, she starts telling me about some girl who slowly murdered her mother and documented it over the internet and a dad who killed his small child for no reason. then, she says how tired i look, but makes no effort to get off the couch and go so i can get some sleep. asked me about some of my friends and then about mr.x.

hee hee... then she goes on about how much food she ate in japan. hmmm the food was sooo good . i ate sooo much. it was soooo fresh...

i couldn't take it anymore. i say:

'damn. last night, i had a bean tostada for dinner, and i still have horrible gas...'

there is nothing in the world that motivate a person like another person's gas. my mom looked at me as if she couldn't believe she gave birth to me, and then got up shortly after. i followed her out of the house and lit a smoke and sat down on the front porch steps. said goodbye.

sigh. mama's a nut which makes me a nut...

and speaking of nuts, i have a transient neighbor, pam, who is creeping the hell out of me. she left (8!!) gold spray-painted wreaths on my porch out of the blue when i first moved in. i had no idea who did it - it was in the middle of the night. i assumed it was my other neighbors because they were having a yard sale that weekend.

nope. it was pam, who came over to my plave about a week later at 11 pm to tell me it was her and that i can make a lot of money dressing up wreaths and selling them.

it gets worse. one night, i was up very very late, and went out on the porch around 2 am for a smoke. go back out around 3 am and there's a PIZZA and a soda on the porch. and a bag of fake berries with a note written on the back of a receipt:
'hi, got these
at rummage sale
by seniors center
on f st!
you'll find
more goodies
love
pam
p.s.
you can cut
down size of vines'

i was so freaked out! and i was hella pissed at my dogs for not barking... then i got more freaked out that she must've been pretty quiet when she walked up the porch steps.

so. tonight i'm tired, and a little emotionally drained, and here she comes up the sidewalk, walkman blasting. i'm so glad i had sunny with me. she asked about my kids, and didn't seemed phased at my very obvious reluctance to answer. oh, did i get the pizzza? the pizza place puts WHOLE pizzas (can you believe it?!) out by "the back" (which, btw, i'm assuming is "the dumpster") and since she can't eat the whole thing, brought me one.

then she said that i need privacy in my windows and that she'll gladly hook up about 15 (!!!WTF!!!) spider plants off my porch beams. i say no thanks, i'm not into plants, so she says she'll get me ARTIFICIAL plants! she even began walking the front lawn and counting to herself to get an idea of how many plants will fit up there. i say no thanks, i'm fine. we start going back and forth before i just start saying, bye pam. ok, bye. yeah, bye now. goodbye.

do dee do do do dee do do

operator! operator!!! i need an operator!!!

man, i loved that episode...