the bitch in me...

i did a mean thing tonight. i don't feel too bad about it (yet), but i feel bad that i let something nasty within me out.

so. tonight, in class, i was getting frustrated with the way my teacher was presenting material to the class. we were going over ekg's, and no one seemed to be understanding a lot of the terminology and descriptions of the many arrythmia's (abnormal heart rhythms) of the heart.

i asked a question regarding palpatations; where they originate from, why they happen, how stress related are they, and then my teacher starts describing the cause and effects of palpatations and tachycardia... 'i got that!' says, "hey! i had that just this weekend! and it took about 20 minutes before they went away!" my teacher keeps talking like she didn't say anything and everyone seemed to inwardly groan...

i then went on a 30 min dinner break and had a sad and depressing conversation with a friend of mine. suddenly the pessimist about life, the universe and everything, i dragged my feet back to class about 10 minutes late.

we get further into lecture about different causes of dyspnea (subjective complaint of shortness of breath as perceived by a patient...) . there are 3 causes, and the last one discussed was regarding metabolic causes of dyspnea. so i say, "cirrhosis of the liver?" "yes, but what else?" "renal (liver) failure?" "yes, yes, but c'mon guys? what else?"

silence...

"c'mon guys! this is going to be a very common condition you will see in the field... didn't you guys take 'cardiac anatomy and physiology'?"

silence...

i (finally) say, "i have no idea what you are talking about..."

he says, "hemoalkalosis!" or was it, "hemoglykosis"? i can't even remember what he said, i was so frustrated. he repeats the word again and then stares at us like little light bulbs would suddenly turn on over our stupid little heads...

silence...

i (finally (again)) say (sarcastically),

"oooooohhhh yeah! that's right!"

he stares at me and it obvious that he is not getting the sarcasm. i say, "that was a joke. we have never heard that term before, teacher."

"what?! never?!"

everyone starts blurting things out because it has been a problem with my cohort for a while now - we have on several occasions been short-changed on classes due to lack of teachers, and on one occasion, a very incompetent teacher that was pulled from our class halfway into the module.

then 'i got that!' gets up and begins to cross the room. every night she gets up from her seat at exactly 9.15 pm to place a call for a cab to pick her up, even if it's in the middle of lecture. as she passes me she says, "yeah, i know the term.. i had -"

this is when i did my bad thing..

i interrupted her and irritably said,

"yeah, i'm sure you do. you've probably had that before, too..."

she continued walking and i don't know if she heard me or not. when she came back into the romm a few minutes later, she tried chatting with me as usual if i didn't say anything; perhaps she had heard me and it didn't sink in because she didn't get it; perhaps i hurt her feelings and she didn't want me to know...

either way i felt polly wolly crappy and feel like it was totally unjustified and ashamed that i let my inner bratty nastiness out.

if she really is loopy, she deserves a little more patience than i had to give tonight.
if she isn't, maybe she really wants attention and doesn't know how to get it any other way.

regardless, that was unkind on my part and i feel bad about it.

sigh...

highs for the day:

• i got several things done on my "things i really, really fucking don't want to do list" these things included: calling my cell phone company, my credit card company, my cable company, and my bank.
• sold a property to my broker. 2 down, 2 to go.
• actually got my schedule shifted to the day classes - i'll finish school 2-3 months earlier. yay!

lows for today:

• i was unkind.
• reminded someone i love very much that they really need to look within themselves more, and that friend didn't seem to really want to hear that.
• i think my scale is broken - it's like 5 lbs too high... then again, it MIGHT just be my big fat gut.
• threw a double bday party for the middles, D2 & D3, and the house looks like a blind man cleaned it...

today i was reminded to:

• put gas in my car after seeing 2 people carrying gas cans...
• lose weight when i stood on my scale...
• keep an extra roll of toilet paper closer to the toilet after getting stranded.
• keep my big mouth shut after depressing my friend.
• not trust my ex with money when he said, " yeah! i'm going to jamaica!" when handed a check with the proceeds of the sale of our property.