i'll be here tomorrow, but my dreams may not

the more i bang my head against this wall,

the more i realize that it won't fall...

the saddest part of this story is when i see
the hopeless romantic
dwindling away.

it seems to me more each day
i'm just not meant to be in love, or be loved.
i cannot write my own story, even if i happen to think it's a rather good one.

i am officially working all nights now. no more day shifts & night shifts. you'd think this is a good thing, but it's actually turned me into night owl. and it seems that working 40-60 hrs a week day & nights was keeping me predominantly diurnal (yes, i looked it up...), but working all nights has made me more tired, and last 2 nights ago i worked, came home at 730 am, and then slept for 13 hrs. rolled out of bed feeling hung over last night. hopefully within the next 6 mos or so i'll the hang of it and not be so tired all the time.

recently tried to reconnect with an old friend who i had a bit of a falling out with a while back (believe it or not, i have a tendency to piss people off for all sorts of interesting reasons...). i guess they aren't ready, and maybe won't ever be.

my brain hurts so much sometimes i can't put thoughts down like i used to. i miss my kids, i miss my friends. i've decided to have hurkey day this year, the day after thankgiving. it's actually lifted my spirits quite a bit; given me a reason to diet, har har.

highs:

• my 14 yr old doesn't hate me. i think he actually enjoys my fussing over him. he's in the ROTC program at his high school and has to wear a uniform every once in awhile. on thursday night i asked, "donovan, is your uniform ready for tomorrow?" he replies, "yes mom, but my commander says i have to shave the hair on my chinny-chin-chin..." i laughed. i called rey for advice and he came over and gave my son his first shaving lesson. and as i took pictures (that i promised i would NEVER show anyone (unless of course that kid ever decides to disobey me, a clause i conveniently left out...)) i wondered if it occurred to this man that one day donovan might think back on that night and be a little grateful, and sometimes in life that's all that really matters.
• i like working at both jobs. i've made a lot of friends. i love educating patients. it's so nice to explain to someone why they do this or take that or refrain from blah blah blah. i get lots of thank yous, and it makes me feel like i'm doing a good thing. i crack jokes with pts & coworkers all the time, which makes the nights go by faster.
• my hair is the longest it's ever been, and i'm almost ready for a CHOP!!!
• ready for the shocker that i don't think is really a shocker? i got a tattoo. it's fairly large. i love it.

lows:

• been having some bad dreams lately. i worry about the kids being at the x's. sometimes, i wish... i wish, i wish...
• started smoking again. i keep telling myself that it'll pass, i'm just under a lot of stress right now. when i say it to myself in just the right tone, you know, with a hint of empathy, it sounds pretty damn convincing...

listening to: cat stevens. i guess i better change the artist soon. if i listen to him for too long, everything starts looking damn bleak...