while, for the most part, we all know why the holidays are so depressing, do they have to be so depressing?
my tree is up. a disorganized mess of lights and mismatched ornaments the kids put mostly on the bottom and front half of my fake tree. it still manages to look perfect to me, my charlie brown tree. i already have a couple of presents under it.
i think the reason why i love the holidays so much is because i can be my most melancholy and get away with it. at the end of each year, i find myself looking back over the year and try to make sense of it all.
wondering if this year i've done the best i could. for myself, and my children. feeling like i haven't, and realizing that it wasn't quite possible to do more, i feel sad.
i should've started school a long time ago.
i should've gotten to the heart of the matters of my failing marriage years ago rather than distract myself with real estate. all it did was prolong the inevitable.
it makes me sad that i can't take back things i have said or done in the past that have affected my children's futures. i worry that they will resent or despise me when they are grown, as i see so many of us do to our parents.
wishing my mom had left long before she finally did. why did she settle for a man who was mean and abusive? will i make the same mistakes? she went from one bad marriage to one that was infinitely worse. and i wonder sometimes if any of us, including her, will ever truly recover.
i don't know how i'm going to make it through these next two years. some would look at the journey ahead as an upcoming adventure, be excited, look forward to the changes in store.
i'm just scared. and sad.
who knows? maybe i'm just pms-ing...
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2 comments:
Chin up, dear heart. You have friends who love and support you.
Also, retrospect is a tricky thing. If things are going your way, it's easy to say you made the right decisions. If things aren't going quite as planned, it's too easy to look back and kick yourself and question the decisions you've made. Trouble is, nobody can truly tell the future. Of course it's easy to look back and say "I should've done that instead," or "Why didn't I just do this in the first place." Trouble is, you will always, always, ALWAYS lose that game. Therefore, it's better not to play that game at all. You'll just end up feeling down and blue. Of course, we should learn from our experiences, and, if you made the best decision you could at a particular time in your life, then you shouldn't kick yourself. Also, sometimes it's hard to really know what the "best" decision for a particular situation would be. If we were omniscient, and could see how a particular decision will affect our future, then I guess things might be easier. I really don't know. Which is why I hate the retrospect game.
Just do what you feel is best and right, for yourself and your family. Nobody could ask for anything more...
In the words of that song from RENT:
Forget regret or
Life is yours to miss...
I can't control my destiny,
I trust my soul,
My only goal is just to be...
And:
No day but today...
"kick myself"?! damn boy, i ain't THAT flexible!!! :)
sigh... i hear you, sweetie. ever notice how the things in life that went wrong only just a little bit are "lessons to learn from", while things that are devastating to one's heart are nothing less than tragic. and depressing.
balance, balance, balance. i'm working on my balance. thank goodness for my friends who love and support me (esp. mr. and mrs. blue-footed boobies). sometimes wonder where i'd be w/o them.
hey! we should join a circus! become trapeeze acrobats so we can learn balance!
damn i come up with the best ideas...
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