"Mr. Sandman? Please bring me a dream."

went to bed at 0230 and i wake to an alarm i set a couple days ago for 0415.  i started thinking (a dangerous pastime, i know.) and now i can't fall back asleep...

this past sunday night rey's best friend died unexpectedly.  when he told me i remember feeling a sharp pain in my chest as i gasped, "what?!"

the past two days have been an odd mix of emotions.  one second i feel like everything is the same, kids to school, go to work, make dinner, etc.  then i also have these deeply reflective moments.  i'll miss this person, who(m) (sorry, never know when to use the 'm' despite the fact that people keep explaining it to me.  maybe because i don't care..) i knew for only several years.  strange as he was, he was a good person.  life is truly unpredictable.  and while we all already know that, i'm still shocked every time it reminds me.

everyday i see people who are swirling in their misery.  i do not want to be one of those people.  it's so hard not to get tangled up in all the seaweed floating around in my vast dark ocean.  one of the little girls at my work posted in her blog that she is sad and lonely and aches for someone to adore her; she has so much love to give.  i remember feeling the same way.  i remember hoping for so much more.  i still believe that true love between two people exists, just not for me. it just happens to not be featured in my movie.  which is ok.  sometimes i am bitter, but those moments are getting further apart.

what's on my menu?  let's take a gander:

• lots of kids.  big ones, small ones, boy ones and girl ones too.
• travel.  mostly by car.  i don't know how to fly a plane, and any sized body of water creeps me out, including pools (haven't you seen "House"?).
• tragedy.  there are a handful of people who i was once close who i haven't spoken to in years.  just recently reconnected with my sister after 3 years.  i have an email i need to send, but every time i write it, i read it and then end up deleting it.  maybe i'll know what to say one day.
• work work work.  i love what i do.  i meet the craziest people and i get to do the craziest things.  one of these days, when i don't need the money, i want to be a paramedic.  they get paid a lot less than i do, but get to do the coolest things.
• friends.  i often wonder how i have been fortunate enough to have such good friends.  i've been picked up out of state at a moment's notice, loaned tons of money, carried & driven home in the middle of the night.  i've been loaned cars, had help with moving (numerous times), and been fed the most delicious foods.  my friends have watched my children at all hours so i can: go to school, have mental breakdowns, fly across the country, work extra hours and get laid.  my friends ride the short bus.

being in love?  for now, at least, not on the menu.

listening to:  "walking after you"  by the foo fighters.