As You Wish...

i loved that scene, from "the princess bride". wesley finally catches up to the princess buttercup, and accuses her of throwing away "TRUE LOVE" by not waiting for him to return to her. she sends him rolling down a hill, screaming. "and for all i care, you can die!"

"aaaaaaassssssss yyyyyyooooooouuuuu wwwwiiiiiiiissssssshhhh!!!!!!" was his reply.

and so buttercup threw herself after her love...

it was too damn cute, yes?

thursday night my star pt rocked back and forth between a CPAP machine and a BiPAP ventilator. it was heartbreaking. mrs. sleeps in the room.

in the middle of the night, he begged her to let him die. she said from the other bed, "but i love you! you have to get better!" i felt like i was an extra in a terribly depressing movie. where was the camera crew? would they get the right angle on my trembling hands and quivering lip (it was rather slight, you might not notice it...)

they exchanged i love you's and i remember looking at the clock, wondering what my heart rate was - anything to detach from that moment. i felt a bit lightheaded. 125 perhaps? at least it wasn't juct me - one nurse had to step out into the hallway to have a mini-breakdown.

the two nurses begged me to give a breathing treatment, even if it was saline. i did what i could - i don't think band aids help dying people very much; perhaps just a bit of peace for the mind?

heavy hearted, i went back to work last night. it was christmas eve. i also work tonight. i get to only see my kids for a few hours today, and stitch works through wednesday. my assignment included my previous pt.

chin up, i went to the room. he is on continuous bipap now, and it looks like it'll be this week. mrs. asked me ever so kindly last night to pretty please with a cherry on top, could i get mr. husband through christmas?

what do you say to that?

what the hell else?

"i'll do everything i can mam."

i spent the entire evening hovering that section of the floor. the alarms sang their own ear piercing tunes.

and, i am so glad to say, i was there to silence them and make adjustments as needed.

she wished me a very merry christmas. i smiled, but didn't feel very merry this mornin'.

i thought on the way home. what would it be like to have someone love me so much he slept in my hospital room every night and was there with me when it was time for me to die?

would he still kiss me? even if my breath was bad?

am i so selfish that i can accept the possibility of someone aching that way? if he loved me that much, wouldn't it be fair to say that he'd also hurt that much?

off to dreamland before the munchkins get here... let's cross our eyes he makes it through tonight. i don't have a lot of leeway - he's a DNR. however, the nurses at my hospital are incredible - they go girl... i think they got a bit o' magic in 'em sometimes...