the hardest i've laughed lately was when i let my boys convince me to watch some scenes from "jackass 3" the other night.  it was a scene where a midget couple is on a date and the midget girlfriend's boyfriend (also a midget) shows up and confronts her.  he then leaves and comes back with some midget friends and they beat up the midget guy she was on a date with.  then midget cops show up (this is where i start howling...) and try to break up the fight.  one guy gets injured and some midget paramedics show up to assist him.  the people in the bar were so confused / busting up, and i was snorting and having trouble breathing.  ha ha. i wish i could watch more tv with my big boys.  they are growing up so fast and soon they will be out out out of my home and living their own lives.  out in the wild world recuperating from all the mistakes i've made while raising them and hopefully surviving with what strengths i've taught them.  regret makes me feel cranky and old.

"Mr. Sandman? Please bring me a dream."

went to bed at 0230 and i wake to an alarm i set a couple days ago for 0415.  i started thinking (a dangerous pastime, i know.) and now i can't fall back asleep...

this past sunday night rey's best friend died unexpectedly.  when he told me i remember feeling a sharp pain in my chest as i gasped, "what?!"

the past two days have been an odd mix of emotions.  one second i feel like everything is the same, kids to school, go to work, make dinner, etc.  then i also have these deeply reflective moments.  i'll miss this person, who(m) (sorry, never know when to use the 'm' despite the fact that people keep explaining it to me.  maybe because i don't care..) i knew for only several years.  strange as he was, he was a good person.  life is truly unpredictable.  and while we all already know that, i'm still shocked every time it reminds me.

everyday i see people who are swirling in their misery.  i do not want to be one of those people.  it's so hard not to get tangled up in all the seaweed floating around in my vast dark ocean.  one of the little girls at my work posted in her blog that she is sad and lonely and aches for someone to adore her; she has so much love to give.  i remember feeling the same way.  i remember hoping for so much more.  i still believe that true love between two people exists, just not for me. it just happens to not be featured in my movie.  which is ok.  sometimes i am bitter, but those moments are getting further apart.

what's on my menu?  let's take a gander:

• lots of kids.  big ones, small ones, boy ones and girl ones too.
• travel.  mostly by car.  i don't know how to fly a plane, and any sized body of water creeps me out, including pools (haven't you seen "House"?).
• tragedy.  there are a handful of people who i was once close who i haven't spoken to in years.  just recently reconnected with my sister after 3 years.  i have an email i need to send, but every time i write it, i read it and then end up deleting it.  maybe i'll know what to say one day.
• work work work.  i love what i do.  i meet the craziest people and i get to do the craziest things.  one of these days, when i don't need the money, i want to be a paramedic.  they get paid a lot less than i do, but get to do the coolest things.
• friends.  i often wonder how i have been fortunate enough to have such good friends.  i've been picked up out of state at a moment's notice, loaned tons of money, carried & driven home in the middle of the night.  i've been loaned cars, had help with moving (numerous times), and been fed the most delicious foods.  my friends have watched my children at all hours so i can: go to school, have mental breakdowns, fly across the country, work extra hours and get laid.  my friends ride the short bus.

being in love?  for now, at least, not on the menu.

listening to:  "walking after you"  by the foo fighters.

go to bed already.

ugh.  it's been one of those weeks.  and i've still got three days left.


about a month ago i bought a bunch of tickets for a girls' night out this sat, and now i'm really not feeling like going, but seeing as how i am the coordinator (and designated driver), i should go.  truth is, i'd rather be at home with the kids.  maybe i'll feel better when i'm all dressed up and at the show, watching barely clothed gorgeous men shaking the junk in their trunks.  did i mention they're gorgeous?
hold on, i'm visualizing...
yeah, feeling better already.

listening to:  Simple Kind of Life by No Doubt

afraid to change

its been almost two months since my "new year" post. since then i found mold in my new place that was starting to spread throughout the whole house quickly. baby had been sick the whole two months, so i immediately put in notice to move. after numerous tries (i was turned down everywhere because of bad credit, thank you, ex husband...) i finally found a nice (and pricey) apt. I just got the last of my things moved in.

i remember feeling similar despair several yrs ago with some situation with my ex. i cried and cried over something and felt like i was never going to get over it. this move felt a lot like that. it just never seemed to end. i was (more than the usual) crazy and depressed. sometimes i would feel sorry for rey as he tried to help me with the horrendous move from hell, and other times i found myself looking for a blunt object to whack him with (more the latter).

every once in a while i reflect on something i read in an article a while ago about the sacrifices mothers make. in a poll a group of women were interviewed. the question was, "if you could have more of one thing what would it be?" most people answered with money, sleep, sex. almost every mother said,

"Time."

listening to "change" by blind melon

starting over... (again)

it's time for me to start blogging again. i remember how much i enjoyed writing to no one in particular; maybe a few friends who might be interested in my thoughts and musings. that time has long passed, what with so-and-so having a kid and so-and-so getting married, and so-and-so isn't allowed to play anymore because of the mr. / mrs. ah yes, and my other favorite excuse, so-and-so just doesn't like me anymore. all that aside, i really enjoyed blogging so i guess its time to stop pissing away my little bits of free time on ZUMA and get back into my blog.

for the most part i accomplished all of my goals for 2010. i became NPS (neonatal & pediatric specialties) certified, i got trained in the NICU (neonatal intensive care unit) at my hospital, i paid off all of my debts to the ever knock-knock-knocking IRS & FTB. and i don't know how the hell i managed (and am still managing) this one... i got my own place.

the things i didn't accomplish last year was: going to the gym 2 - 3 x per week. getting weight down to 145 lbs. (don't ask what i tip the scale at now. let's just say i'm "husky".)

i'm trying to take better care of myself this year and i did quit smoking around the middle of december.

so here's to another beginning. i'm so excited to see what this year brings :)

Let the Molotov's Fly!!

i realize i'm risking potential hate comments and possibly even death threats from all sorts of girls & women (eww, or men...) ranging from the pimply preteens to the cougars who are trapped in la la high school land, but i have to say that i haven't had anything inspiring to write about in the past year until now. and that is:

New Moon is the goofiest, most dramatic, drawn-out movie i've seen since Twilight.

just kidding.

really, that's not what inspired me to put the baby to bed & miss out on the few precious hours i have to sleep before he gets up again just so i can blog for the first time this year. oh no. i've already seen Twilight and was not expecting anything better, (actually worse), and thus i knew exactly what i was getting into today at 15:50 this afternoon. exactly.

quality time with my daughters at the movies.

"what, babe? yeah, the girls want to go to the movies. it is their turn to go, remember? i took the boys to see The Vampire's Assistant last."

"no, i'll take the baby with me. the movie's only about two hours long and i'm sure he'll sleep through it. he'll be fine."

"whatever. or you take the girls. i'll stay home with the baby."

"what do you mean you'll take the girls but i'll have to owe you BIG time?"

so there i was packing the diaper bag while i waited to the girls to come home from school. it was "fend for yourself" night for dinner, so i didn't have to worry about making anything for the boys. the girls stuffed halloween candy into their pockets and off we went.

during the movie i tried not to sigh too loud (they giggled), rolled my eyes too hard ("look at mom, she's doing it again!"), or put my hand over my face (it's not a scary part, mom...") because i was actually embarrassed for the characters/actors. and all the while a there was a little something nagging at me, something about the main character, edward, played by robert pattison. he reminds me of somebody.

maybe because i couldn't focus on the movie (teeny boppy just doesn't do it for me) or because the nagging was carrying over from Twilight, but towards the end of the movie i was going nuts! a convict? some other obscure actor? a whiny, quivering, scrawny nerd from high school? no, no, no...

and then it hit me.

this man-boy


get a goooood look as you scroll down...









looks kinda like this man boy





(the one on the right is from disney's Hercules)







and he also reminds me of this guy








(who also starred in Hercules btw).



rey suggested james dean, and i was able to find a picture of jd that eddie sorta resembles, shown below:
but then rey suggested THIS picture to which the giggling kids agreed eddie really resembles:


that's eric stoltz in Mask. (a pretty good movie based on a true story btw.)





great make-up!



Not you, eddie, i meant eric.



did you get all choked-up when laura dern did the braille thing on his face ad said, "it's beautiful."?


i asked the girls to pretty please explain to me the girl/older women craze surrounding this guy. they said he's pretty gross. (we all gasped in horror when he took off his shirt in the movie, he looks like a cadaver. barf)



am i reaching a bit too much when i put up a picture of jay?

A Dog & His Girl

"Mama, wouldn't it be nice if there was a miracle and Sunny lived for another year?" her big beautiful eyes seemed to plead with me as if I might be able to grant this wish.

"You know, Baby, I'd like to think that Sunny got his Miracle, because he came to live with us for about seven years. Do you know the story of how he came to live with us?"

And so i hugged my daughter tight and told her about how Sunny was with another owner. And she had a boyfriend. The boyfriend always thought that she was really mean to her cute little dog, Honey. Well, they ended up breaking up and when the man left, he couldn't bear to leave Honey with the lady because he didn't think she took very good care of this really nice dog.

the only problem was that he couldn't keep a dog with him, he lived in a small trailer. so one day he left Honey with his daughter, Candy. he said, "please find Honey a good home because i can't keep him with me.."

Well, Candy couldn't keep him either - she had a rabbit, a couple cats, four kids, and a male rat she just bought from the pet store (who surprised us all and had seven babies one morning...)

so Candy called up her friend around the corner (guess who that was?) and said, "hey girl, i know you have no time, money, or space in your house right now for a dog, but i can't keep him and he's REALLY nice. waddaya think?" i went to her house and fell in love. when honey came to live with us i changed his name to sunny because honey seemed a bit too girly.

sunny was the most wonderful companion. i remember once when i cried so hard i couldn't breathe. i gasped and sobbed and ached from the inside out. and he jumped up on my bed and plopped down (literally) on top of me. he would escort the little ones to the bathroom in the middle of the night and if anyone was awake in the house, he would stay with them until they went to bed.

i'm so very grateful to have had such great adventures with my dog. i could walk him without a leash in the middle of the night and he wouldn't stray too far from me. he listened so well. i hope he heard the immense love in my voice as i told him what a good dog he was as he collapsed in my arms when he was put to sleep yesterday morning. i miss him so much.

wonderful what the unconditional love of an animal can do for the soul, huh?

sigh. ok... time to dry the eyes, put on my Mom Shirt and be growned up for my kids.