A Dog & His Girl

"Mama, wouldn't it be nice if there was a miracle and Sunny lived for another year?" her big beautiful eyes seemed to plead with me as if I might be able to grant this wish.

"You know, Baby, I'd like to think that Sunny got his Miracle, because he came to live with us for about seven years. Do you know the story of how he came to live with us?"

And so i hugged my daughter tight and told her about how Sunny was with another owner. And she had a boyfriend. The boyfriend always thought that she was really mean to her cute little dog, Honey. Well, they ended up breaking up and when the man left, he couldn't bear to leave Honey with the lady because he didn't think she took very good care of this really nice dog.

the only problem was that he couldn't keep a dog with him, he lived in a small trailer. so one day he left Honey with his daughter, Candy. he said, "please find Honey a good home because i can't keep him with me.."

Well, Candy couldn't keep him either - she had a rabbit, a couple cats, four kids, and a male rat she just bought from the pet store (who surprised us all and had seven babies one morning...)

so Candy called up her friend around the corner (guess who that was?) and said, "hey girl, i know you have no time, money, or space in your house right now for a dog, but i can't keep him and he's REALLY nice. waddaya think?" i went to her house and fell in love. when honey came to live with us i changed his name to sunny because honey seemed a bit too girly.

sunny was the most wonderful companion. i remember once when i cried so hard i couldn't breathe. i gasped and sobbed and ached from the inside out. and he jumped up on my bed and plopped down (literally) on top of me. he would escort the little ones to the bathroom in the middle of the night and if anyone was awake in the house, he would stay with them until they went to bed.

i'm so very grateful to have had such great adventures with my dog. i could walk him without a leash in the middle of the night and he wouldn't stray too far from me. he listened so well. i hope he heard the immense love in my voice as i told him what a good dog he was as he collapsed in my arms when he was put to sleep yesterday morning. i miss him so much.

wonderful what the unconditional love of an animal can do for the soul, huh?

sigh. ok... time to dry the eyes, put on my Mom Shirt and be growned up for my kids.

i'll be here tomorrow, but my dreams may not

the more i bang my head against this wall,

the more i realize that it won't fall...

the saddest part of this story is when i see
the hopeless romantic
dwindling away.

it seems to me more each day
i'm just not meant to be in love, or be loved.
i cannot write my own story, even if i happen to think it's a rather good one.

i am officially working all nights now. no more day shifts & night shifts. you'd think this is a good thing, but it's actually turned me into night owl. and it seems that working 40-60 hrs a week day & nights was keeping me predominantly diurnal (yes, i looked it up...), but working all nights has made me more tired, and last 2 nights ago i worked, came home at 730 am, and then slept for 13 hrs. rolled out of bed feeling hung over last night. hopefully within the next 6 mos or so i'll the hang of it and not be so tired all the time.

recently tried to reconnect with an old friend who i had a bit of a falling out with a while back (believe it or not, i have a tendency to piss people off for all sorts of interesting reasons...). i guess they aren't ready, and maybe won't ever be.

my brain hurts so much sometimes i can't put thoughts down like i used to. i miss my kids, i miss my friends. i've decided to have hurkey day this year, the day after thankgiving. it's actually lifted my spirits quite a bit; given me a reason to diet, har har.

highs:

• my 14 yr old doesn't hate me. i think he actually enjoys my fussing over him. he's in the ROTC program at his high school and has to wear a uniform every once in awhile. on thursday night i asked, "donovan, is your uniform ready for tomorrow?" he replies, "yes mom, but my commander says i have to shave the hair on my chinny-chin-chin..." i laughed. i called rey for advice and he came over and gave my son his first shaving lesson. and as i took pictures (that i promised i would NEVER show anyone (unless of course that kid ever decides to disobey me, a clause i conveniently left out...)) i wondered if it occurred to this man that one day donovan might think back on that night and be a little grateful, and sometimes in life that's all that really matters.
• i like working at both jobs. i've made a lot of friends. i love educating patients. it's so nice to explain to someone why they do this or take that or refrain from blah blah blah. i get lots of thank yous, and it makes me feel like i'm doing a good thing. i crack jokes with pts & coworkers all the time, which makes the nights go by faster.
• my hair is the longest it's ever been, and i'm almost ready for a CHOP!!!
• ready for the shocker that i don't think is really a shocker? i got a tattoo. it's fairly large. i love it.

lows:

• been having some bad dreams lately. i worry about the kids being at the x's. sometimes, i wish... i wish, i wish...
• started smoking again. i keep telling myself that it'll pass, i'm just under a lot of stress right now. when i say it to myself in just the right tone, you know, with a hint of empathy, it sounds pretty damn convincing...

listening to: cat stevens. i guess i better change the artist soon. if i listen to him for too long, everything starts looking damn bleak...

damn this country song life...

every once in a while i think about deleting my blog because i rarely have time for it anymore. but then i browse through my old posts and i'm taken back to those times when i wrote them. when i split with my ex almost four years ago, i knew that 2008 was going to be one of the hardest years for me because this is the year that i would be working full time, trying to play catch up with my debts. little did i know it was also going to be hard for other reasons as well.

this past month and a half has been especially tough. i am changing employment status at both hospitals. my schedule is changing drastically and i am stressed about child care. there never seems to be enough time for much anymore, and when i do have a bit of time, i've been finding myself mentally paralyzed. trying to pull it together has turned out to be more difficult than i expected.

sometimes i hate my job, sometimes i don't. i guess everybody feels that to some degree. i'm burned out on giving treatments to people who don't need them & not being able to give them to people who do need them. working in the ICU's can be pretty depressing since everyone who's there is fucked up. gruesome car accidents, stabbings, gunshots, suicide attempts, you name it. working on the floors has it's own shit too. some of those guys are flat out loopy, and the ones who aren't break your heart for having to be there. one of my pts was telling me the saddest story of how the pt ended up having custody of their grandkids - the drug using mother dropped them off one day to be babysat and just never came back...

and there are times that i feel that life is good. my kids are happy and healthy, i have good friends. my dog has the worst gas there ever was, but he's loyal and loves me. i try to think that one of these days i will have an easy going life. i want to travel. i want a garden. i want a house with a front porch where i can sit with good company (even if it's myself) and enjoy a warm drink. it's pretty simple. i just gotta find my focus...

...maybe it got stuck in the couch somewhere...

eyes half open

I posted a bunch of pics from our trip to New Mexico in July. click the link on the right if anyone wants to see them...

called in sick last night. i feel kinda bad because i don't like the idea of screwing over my coworkers. but i think they were ok, they've been calling people off almost every night this summer. i was so tired i ended sleeping for about 20 hrs. sometimes it feels like it will always be this way. other times i have hope.

donovan turns 14 next week. i'm still trying to get used to the idea of having a teen in the house.

ugh.

INBOX

some of the more (or less) interesting texts in my phone

• Fwd: a boy was in bath w/mom asks mom whats that hairy thing down there? mom says its my sponge. boy says oh aunty has 1 too. i saw her wash dads face with it.
• nice way to get out a lie.
• i love you.
• Fwd: fwd msg: man gets home n shouts, "honey pak ur bags-i just hit the lottery!!!" she says, "what should i pack?" "doesn't matter, just get the fuck out!"
  
• after great sex she laid there strokin his penis. he asked: do you want some more? she said, No, i'm just admiring it... i used to have one.
• this sex is sex, how sex, you sex, keep sex, a sex, dumb sex, ass sex, busy sex, 4 sex, 20 sex, seconds sex. now read this without the word sex.
• oh, btw... i m going to need to buy a cat to have a good excuse for all the scratches on my arms nowadays.
• are you up?
• can i come over?
• fair enough... there's some stuff i wanted to talk about tho.
• tell me about it TOMORROW when i see you :(
• happy bday :) i hope you have great day i think about u i pray 4 you i hope u forgive me i love u
• Happy Mother's Day, Melissa, Ms. Pouty, Superfreak and the rest of you. Remember... It takes a village to raise a child.
• i have to be to make you smile sometimes. love you, baby.
• AND YOU CAN'T CHANGE THAT! OH NO...
• True... tell the kids i love them tho.
• ha ha. i don't look that young... we ll be friends again.
• you could make a large dog out of the stuff that came out of the lint trap.
• yes unless you want it
  

into the vast unknown...

i can't believe we've decided to do what we've decided to do...
sometimes when i reflect on our decision to expand our family, i get knots in my stomach! and other times i feel a sense of calm, like this is a good thing for all of us.

the kids were all excited and full of questions when we told them the news. donovan was/is a bit reluctant about giving up his old room, which is the smallest in the house. he doesn't want the bigger room because we'll have to use part of it for storage, and he really wants his privacy. i think he'll be ok..

my mom took it well... (dare i say she was even supportive?) yep... you guessed it... my stepdad's moving in with us... they are in the process of getting divorced, and while i was very sad to hear it, i have to admit that i was surprised the he's lasted this long. my mom can be so overwhelming! there used to be days when i would be just incredibly drained after hanging out with her.

it should only be for about a year (famous last words, huh?), but one of the main reasons why i am cool about it is that i've lived with my stepdad before, and he is pretty helpful around the house, very easy to get along with, and great with the kids.

besides, we all work so much and at such odd hours, i don't think we'll ever see each other really...

upside-down you turn me...

how can i not be nuts about a guy that has
"2008 offensive tackles" in the google bar?

who also left the computer on that same site when he left the house, which had a sports announcer guy screaming some gibberish that freaked me out when i walked through the door later on, thinking some mental hospital escapee had broken into the house?

who puts together BBQ grills into the wee hours of the night, and says:
"whoa... that doesn't look right..." or,
"huh. oh well..." or,
"c'mon, baby!!" and my fav,
"why you mutha..."

who prefers to sleep on the couch, eats food thats been sitting out all night, and leaves enough shaving scum in the sink to make it look like the friggin' sink has grown a beard...

he's converted the oldest son into a hot sauce fanatic, prepped the younger son for a career with the circus twirling sticks, turned my tomboy into a quarterback, and baby girl is his personal "shnuggle bunny"...

"that's your man!" tracie laughs when i tell her that we can't use a gas grill because "bobby flay says real grillers use charcoal..."

"yo' man, and you can have him.."